The Switch: an endearing character flaw that is guaranteed to get you boating the Styx

The Tower, an archetype of the sudden destruction of long-established safety and security

Today's topic from the depths of darkest Hades is The Switch.

Others have written about it-- here, and here (with 427 comments!), and here. And a lot of other places-- check it out.

From the last link:

"In recent years, some popular books such a Without Conscience and The Sociopath Next Door have raised public awareness about psychopathy.   But well before then, In Sheep’s Clothing made the point – emphasized later in Character Disturbance – that a continuum exists of the most seriously disturbed characters among us and that none of the traditional assumptions about what make these folks the way they are holds much merit anymore.   In addition, in Character Disturbance, I argue that even more insidious than the lack of conscience and empathy that characterizes most psychopaths, is the ability of some to compartmentalize emotion.  It’s how some of these deeply disturbed characters are able to seem so normal when they first hook up with folks in relationships.  They look like they can feel, hurt, and empathize just like anyone else.  What a shock it is (sometimes a deadly one) when it becomes apparent how easily they can switch off any caring and how capable they are of unspeakable deeds."

Part of the situation with me the past month or so, and a central feature of being ushered into my sojourn through the shadowy underworld, is that my partner of more than 5 years has this capacity. This person is capable of simply not feeling anything toward someone else, and indeed entirely forgetting them, after expressing affection and connection very convincingly. Her way of putting it was "something broke." 

That is, in the face of my queries as to how it is possible that she could go from loving and affectionate on Friday to completely disinterested in me and even cruelly and punishingly distant on Tuesday, her answer was "something broke."

This is a very disturbing answer. 

The outward behaviors that attend this flipping of the switch included complete withdrawal of any affection or reassurance, endeavors to be as physically separate under the same roof as possible, an astonishing disregard for my feelings or needs, a total lack of awareness of how her actions were affecting me and what my reactions were and a very consistent and ever-present coldness. The way a person would read these behaviors is that one is suddenly completely hated, rejected, dismissed and absolutely unimportant, trivial and even pathetic. The behaviors basically reinforced, over the course of about a month, an almost total disregard for me, as if I were a stranger she were passing on the street-- and even, at times, a loathsome stranger who offended her sensibilities somehow. And this switch occurred within the span of about 72 hours, after a 5.5 year partnership that at least appeared to have a great many strengths.

Back in 2011 when we got together, I had warning signs that this person possessed a formidably powerful switch. First of all, she was married when we started to become close and had been with her husband for a long time. It's not uncommon for people to bail on a marriage by "falling in love" with another person, nor is it unusual for new "love" to be the catalyst for huge changes in people's lives. 

In this case, however, she behaved with the utmost indifference to her soon to be ex. From the moment she decided she was out of the marriage to the extrication took a very short time. Her affections totally and completely shifted to me, which I found flattering at the time, much to my chagrin now. I was reluctant to be the man she left her husband for, and she repeatedly reassured me that she would have left the marriage anyway, that she was not leaving him for me-- and of course, I chose to believe her, though I knew it was a lie. These are major red flags in hindsight. Another red flag: she was incapable of uttering a single positive word about her ex husband and remains incapable to this day. He is a "dumbass," not to be relied on, incompetent, pathetic and awful, physically repulsive and a terrible father, etc. I knew then and know now that one of the important indicators of someone's character and capacity for compassion and empathy is in how they talk about their ex. This ought to have been a major red flag for me. 

Another early warning sign: she had been involved in a sexual relationship with another man while married but not to long before getting interested in me. It was a sexual relationship of which she was deeply ashamed and which she hid from me for the first month or two that we were together. I suspect that it overlapped with our own relationship at least a little, in spite of what are probably her lies to the contrary. I almost ended our early relationship over the lie by omission, but decided not to. My intuition was right and I ought to have listened. 

None of the above are all that unusual, really. These are common features of people who are serial monogamists and probably sex and love addicts, including me. Her justification for staying with her husband for so long was that she had invested so much in the house and that she kept hoping that her "project" of "making him happy" would one day "succeed." Her justification for the sexual relationship of which she was deeply ashamed was that she was "lonely and not getting any affection in my marriage." Her justification for leaving the marriage without even trying to make it work was that "I will be a lot happier and a better mother for my kid." I think many if not all of us can identify with these patterns and strategies, these ways that we make shitty deals with the world in order to get what we want. 

How flattering it was for me to be the great savior and white knight who "used a little too much force" to help her out of a jam. 

There are many, many other complicating background factors that played into my gradual investment in a partnership with her, and many of them are still unknown to me consciously. It will be interesting to trace them more thoroughly over the next while. In particular, I have a set of aspects of my "sane and sound ideal" from an intensive sex inventory I did with my AA sponsor a year before my ex and I got together and I know that I compromised on some of those, or adhered heirophantically to the letter of aspects of those agreements but bent the spirit. 

At any rate, the exact same Switch which she was able to throw regarding her ex husband just got thrown on me-- I rationalized that her switch back in 2011 and onward toward her ex husband had something to do with him- when, of course, it is a talent she possesses that can be deployed whenever "something breaks."

Now I am quite determined to avoid any kind of emotional attachment or investment with people who have The Switch. I have no idea how to decidedly discover in early stages whether or not someone has The Switch. I guess listening as carefully as possible to how they describe past breakups and how they talk about their exes is one way. Or if they brag, as my ex used to brag, about being able to just "stop caring" about a person, to write someone off regally and simply be done once and for all-- I mean, well, that's pretty clear right? But listening and truly paying attention-- not so easy. 

Experiencing The Switch also has me reflecting on my own capacity or lack thereof for my own Switch. I think we all have the ability to break up very decisively with someone and create an impenetrable boundary that is for a long while more like a wall. Sometimes this "cruel to be kind" decisiveness is exactly the best thing all around. My own inventory on Switch behavior is ugly in itself and now I am going back (as I launch on a brand spankin' new 4th Step, perfect timing) to discover my own Switch capacities. 

However, in general, there is a difference not only in degree but in kind between a person who creates a very solid boundary in order to make a clean break during a difficult break up and a person who truly has The Switch. In particular, in this case, I did not need The Switch in order to extricate myself. I would have honored boundaries and the end of the partnership even more, as a matter of fact, if the break had been conducted with affection and respect for my personhood. The ex knows me well enough to know that. As codependent and love addicted as I am, I do have tools and resilience, and I am in counseling and working a program, etc. 

Indeed, as horrifying as this is to look at, she seemed to get pleasure out of torturing me emotionally. Of course she would adamantly deny that. But I could see it in her face. The colder and more distant and rejecting of me she was, the more she seemed to get a scintillating charge out of it. As if it lent her a delicious power and enjoyable frisson of pleasure. 

That's pretty awful. One symbol from the deeper depths of our shadowlands for this would be the darker side of this formidable woman: