The shame of motives late revealed

...the conscious impotence of rage 

   At human folly, and the laceration 
   Of laughter at what ceases to amuse.
And last, the rending pain of re-enactment 
   Of all that you have done, and been; the shame
   Of motives late revealed, and the awareness
Of things ill done and done to others' harm
   Which once you took for exercise of virtue. 
   Then fools' approval stings, and honour stains.
From wrong to wrong the exasperated spirit
   Proceeds, unless restored by that refining fire 

   Where you must move in measure, like a dancer.

-Four Quartets, Little Gidding, TS Eliot

The topic at the men's meeting that is my AA home group last night was resentment. Another one of those bizarre coincidences that happen so frequently in the recovery experience. The night before, the step work group had just started on step 4 (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves) and our assignment for next Monday is to name two people toward whom we bear resentment and what the cause is. (This is basically the first 2 columns of a 4 column process-- more on the other two columns later-- let's just say the columns get harder as you go to the right). 

Also, the counselor suggested, yesterday, that I write a detailed letter of everything I wish I could say to the ex from a place of anger or even outright rage- he said "You know, a page or two." He doesn't know me very well yet. I have no idea if an "empty chair" process (think Clint Eastwood ranting at an invisible Obama?) will be productive or not. 

I do know from incontrovertible experience that the steps work. Step 4 is some of the most powerful voodoo in the whole set of tools. Not because it gets us finally to the simplest question regarding resentments (why are we angry?), but moves far past that to the ultimately liberating set of insights that arrive, whether we like them or not, when we start to discover and accept our own role in our situation. 

But before we get to the piercing vision of our own role and the acceptance of that truth, we have to walk right into the tire fire. 

"Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations. 

Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were "burned up."

(Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 64 and 65)

Etymology of resentment:

1610s, from French ressentiment (16c.), verbal noun from ressentir (see resent).

"take (something) ill; be in some degree angry or provoked at," c. 1600, from French ressentir "feel pain, regret," from Old French resentir "feel again, feel in turn" (13c.), from re-, intensive prefix, + sentir "to feel," from Latin sentire (see sense (n.)). Related: Resented; resenting."

Synonyms: 

• acrimonystar
• animositystar
• animusstar
• annoyancestar
• antagonismstar
• bitternessstar
• cynicismstar
• displeasurestar

• exasperationstar
• furystar
• grudgestar
• ill willstar
• indignationstar
• irestar
• irritationstar
• malicestar

• outragestar
• passionstar
• ragestar
• rancorstar
• acerbitystar
• cholerstar
• dudgeonstar
• exacerbationstar

• fogstar
• huffstar
• hurtstar
• malignitystar
• miffstar
• offensestar
• perturbationstar
• piquestar

• risestar
• spitestar
• umbragestar
• vehemencestar
• vexationstar
• wrathstar
• bad feelingstar
• ill feelingstar

These emotional states are my natural reaction when the aspects of my self perception and my ego listed above (and more)-- self esteem, pocketbook, ambitions, personal relations, sex-- are hurt or threatened. Already, I'm leading a double life, because I'm not expressing that I feel threatened or hurt. I'm trying to get to power by expressing anger, by displaying a forceful reaction rather than the honest weakness of my position. This duplicity is built into my entire emotional life until I begin to recognize it, and, often, long after that. 

While I might think my expression of anger is a display of power. it more often appears like this to others who have a more honest place to stand in the situation, for whatever reason:

When you're new in recovery, at first you feel a sense of adventure or eagerness to get going on your grudge list and get all of your resentments on paper. "Finally, someone is going to listen to all the wrongs I have suffered!" What we don't tell you, you can easily find for yourself-- if you just keep reading.

"The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were quite often wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore." (Alcoholics Anonymours, p. 65-66)

By the time we get to page 67, we are faced with the following complete reversal: "Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight."

That's the big voodoo of step 4. That, right there. A very hard turn to take, until it becomes more natural, almost like a habit. Especially hard when the wrongs of others are so apparent and easily conjured. And when it feels so powerfully that our own faults have caused a situation of such intense suffering that it seems looking straight at those facts would immolate us.