The issue is that I have dirt. I have inside information. It is pretty tempting in those moments when I feel that I've been treated like dog shit to publicly divulge all of it-- I already made a couple of forays in this direction on Facebook. I regretted it and took the posts down. But the temptation is still there.
I have been tempted the past couple of days to contact her close friends-- just to stir shit up. Get revenge. Divulge to them what I know that she probably has not told them. Set the story straight and correct any mis-impressions she has created. You know, totally sane, rational and productive behavior.
The temptation was so great last night that I went into my phone contact list and deleted all of her close friends' names and phone numbers and email addresses. I blocked the ex and her new paramour on Facebook. Instead of going toward communication, I took the opposite action of trying to shut down communication as much as possible and create this blog, a behind the scenes channel. That's probably productive in the long run.
I am working on practicing a very healthy set of Al Anon suggestions: Get out of their way, get off of their back, get on with your life.
It takes a lot of restraint.
And there's also the balance of tracking this story honestly as I see it and not keeping anyone's secrets for them as long as the tale requires it. But I am not discerning enough for that tightrope yet.
I cheated on my wife for nearly a year. When I finally told her about it, my fantasy that she would not be hurt and would be understanding proved ridiculous. She did not set out to burn my world down, but one of her close friends (Who I'll call "Rhonda Ragey" did, with a posting on my Facebook page, private messages to all my relatives, and even a call to my lover's work phone. These actions bonded me more tightly with my lover, as we had our backs to the wall facing a common foe. They didn't alleviate my wife's pain at all, and I severely doubt that they eased the suffering of Rhonda, who was blocked the morning after her late-night raid.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I am full of empathy and identification for Rhonda and for you. Hurt people hurt people. To my screwy brain I myself become a tempting target to inflict suffering on. The Alanon toolkit has some good power tools. Here's to their effectiveness at harm reduction.
Thanks for that. I agree that the lashing out and revenge behavior is just counterproductive and causes a closing of fronts and a narrowing of options. It's why I created this anonymous blog and have avoided most disclosure on Facebook. But it is very tempting to wreck shit.
ReplyDeleteAlso, on further reflection, it does not ound in the least that you are "full of empathy and identification" for Rhonda or for me. It sounds like you are still in some very fucking heavy denial over the harm you caused. I know it is bold of me to take your inventory in this way, but fuck it. Your reference to Al Anon in particular is the darker, more glib side of that program: detaching when what is actually called for in order to get real is having a few actual feelings first. You became a target to inflict suffering on because you caused actual harm in the real world. I hope you get to something real regarding that-- your resentment toward Rhonda is still quite palpable. I'm quite sure you owe her an amends.
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