boundaries and capabilities

The Full Crow Moon outside the house of a beautiful friend of mine in Albuquerque.

It became crystal clear to me yesterday that I don't get to be done with any of my situations through the old strategy of running, let alone burning bridges.

How I am going to work spending time with the 8 year old son of the ex has been on my mind a lot lately. By turns, it has seemed completely impossible and absolutely something I am obligated to do (not in a bad way), with every other feeling in between.

So I met with my AA sponsor last night, who definitely plays the role of boat captain on the river Styx at times, and we got to work on it.

Every time I interact with the ex these days, I feel tangled, in pain, conflicted, angry, soaked in increased confusion, etc. It knocks me off center and feels poisonous. If I had not spent 5 years helping to parent her son, my preference right now would be to have absolutely no contact whatsoever. But when I put myself in her son's shoes, I can only imagine that he must find it unsettling, sad, disturbing and weird that there was this "fake dad" (as he used to call me) one day and then the next time he was at the house, that guy was just gone, as well as all of his stuff. Poof.

So I'm thinking for the sake of his sense of at least a little bit of reliability and continuity in a fucked up world, I want to show up for him on some basis. But I also want to know what he honestly wants. I guess the first meeting with him I'll just ask him, since he has a high degree of emotional intelligence and is a good advocate for himself.

Working through a very thorough step 4 resentment on the ex last night with the sponsor, it became more and more clear that I had melded the ex and her son into one entity: ex-and-son. And that this is unnecessary and a disservice to the son, who is a different person from the ex. So a good clean boundary was established again and it became more imaginable to spend time with him, even while it requires contact with the ex.

I can put my feelings of anger and resentment toward the ex aside for an hour or two every week or every other week in order to be of service to an 8 year old boy. I am capable of that much. Being capable of it is helpful, also.  I mean-- it helps me to realize that I can show up for that.