Ajo, from Baja Arizona

Late February, as it started to become more and more clear that everything was about to change fundamentally and irreversibly, and immediately after the first (and, it turned out, only) couples counseling session the ex and I had, I traveled the short but infinite distance from Chandler to Ajo.

It was a fairly conscious choice, since it was a place the ex and I had never spent any time and, in fact, she was averse to the idea, if I remember correctly. I can understand why, in some ways, but it is beautiful in its own sere and Sonoran way. I have always been drawn to this segment of the Sonoran. In late February, it is still gentle and welcoming and deceptively green.

But in spite of the moments of peace and freedom, it's odd how memory and longing work together to fuck you up. I was present in a place the ex was pretty much not interested in, and yet I kept sentimentally imagining "oh, she'd love this. She'd love that." Being reminded of someone who a). never existed and b). even if she did exist, no longer exists and c). is so radically absolutely not present and completely indifferent to how you feel is just great. Good times.

But then there were other moments where it was just myself and desert again, no matter how dark and severe we both were. I guess this is just the way the mind and heart work. I guess there's nothing to do but accept it.