Into the fires and on the way out of danger

the copy of the key that opens the gate that leads to the canal

The I Ching throw last night was, first, hexagram 59, Huan, wind over water: Dissolve-Disintegrate-Dissipate, with all three of the lines of the flowing water hexagram changing, making the second hexagram Chia Jen, The Family, The Organization. 

I am currently only using a very concise little book on the I Ching, The I Ching: The Book of Changes and How to Use It, by Wu Wei. The interpretations are brief and to the point. For Huan:

A dangerous situation exists which can be resolved by perceiving the source of the danger and gently dissolving, disintegrating, or dissipating (as in scattering) the dangerous elements. Seek divine guidance in whatever way is appropriate for you to retain help in revealing the heart of the problem and in learning about ways to dissipate the danger. Even the greatest danger can be successfully dissolved. Perseverance in searching for the source of the danger and in seeking ways to dissolve the danger is required. Success is certain.

Bottom line: A dangerous situation is beginning to dissipate, but you do not have the power or intuition to see to the heart of the danger and fully dissipate it. Fortunately, you have a powerful friend or associate who will come to your aid and either end the danger or take you out of it. If your friend is slow in coming, ask for his help.

Line 2: You are in the middle of a dangerous situation which is dissipating. Even though you are strong, your position is weak, and, therefore, you will continue to be in danger until the dissipation is complete. You must immediately take refuge with whoever or whatever gives you strength and stability and maintain that refuge until the danger is past. 

Line 3: You are nearing the end of a dangerous situation that can only be resolved by seeking within yourself the cause of the danger. By letting go of your hardness and rigidity, perhaps a grudge, you free yourself from the danger. Holding hatred or grudge against someone or something binds you to the person or object. To free yourself, you may have to be forgiving and generous, which will also free those against whom you hold the grudge, but you will be the greatest beneficiary, and all occasions for remorse will disappear. If you are being held in a dangerous situation by your desire for a person, object, or goal, you may have to forego the attainment of that which you desire to free yourself from the danger. 

The second hexagram, Chia Jen, The Family or The Organization:

This kua depicts the inner structure and workings of a family unit or of an organization. When all the members of the family or organization fulfill their respective duties, showing each other the love and respect due to each of them, then the family or organization functions efficiently and harmoniously. A superior person has substance in his words, meaning that he does as he says he will do and speaks the truth, He cultivates duration in his way of life, meaning that he perseveres in walking a virtuous path, he does not change with every passing fad, and he is constant in his loyalty and dedication to the group. 

Of course, regarding the first set of themes from Huan, I'm reminded of the general theme of step 4, "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." The whole truth behind the efforts in step 4 is to free yourself by letting others off the hook. In particular, that third changing line contains the pith of the enterprise: 

"By letting go of your hardness and rigidity, perhaps a grudge, you free yourself from the danger. Holding hatred or grudge against someone or something binds you to the person or object. To free yourself, you may have to be forgiving and generous, which will also free those against whom you hold the grudge, but you will be the greatest beneficiary, and all occasions for remorse will disappear."

To not be bound to others in the midst of hatred, a grudge, anger, resentment, hurt feelings, it is necessary to let go inside myself. The resistance is that then I have end the futile quest for justice and retribution and I have to get next to the idea of their freedom as well as my own. Of course, the truth is, they are already free from my hatred and grudge-- they honestly do not give a shit, most of the time. So the delusion that I am the arbiter of fates and the master of earthly retribution and justice can be dissipated by working persistently on forgiving.

How to do that? Step 4 suggests that the most powerful tool I have available to is simply focus entirely on my own role. 

"We turned back to the (grudge) list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrongdoing of others, fancied or real, had the power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that the resentment must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol." 

..."Referring to our (grudge) list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults, we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight." (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 66-67)

Regarding the second hexagram, I am reminded of one of the most powerful passages in the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, by Bill Wilson-- found on page 53:

"But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend on them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us,. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension." 

Phew. How can you argue with that?

The entire theme of dissolving resentment through forgiveness, which is accessible via finding one's own role and thereby having the power to let other people off the hook, and then subsequently finding one's "right size" and a more solid place within existing structures-- that's perhaps some of the most difficult work we do, if we ever bother to do it at all.

It also reminds me of a passage from the introduction to a book called Emotional Agility, by Susan David:

"Emotional agility is about loosening up, calming down, and living with more intention. It's about choosing how you'll respond to your emotional warning system. It supports the approach described by Viktor Frankl, the psychiatrist who survived a Nazi death camp and went on to write _Man's Search for Meaning_, on leading a more meaningful life, a life in which our human potential can be fulfilled: "Between stimulus and response there is a space," he wrote. "In that space is the power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Which in turn reminds me of this passage from Assagioli:

The patient should be encouraged to use his mind, through observation and discrimination, to bring clearly into his awareness the irrational aspect of his drives and emotions, and also the possible drawbacks and harmfulness to himself and others of their uncontrolled manifestation … To act on the spur of an impulse, a drive or an intense emotion can very often produce undesirable effects which one afterwards regrets … Therefore, he should learn – by repeated experiment and effort – to “insert” between impulse and action a stage of reflection, of mental consideration of a situation, and of critical analysis of his impulse, trying to realize its origin, its source. R. Assagioli – Psychosynthesis

Which also loops ahead to some of the 11th step structure of our daily lives-- in particular, the monumentally important "As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 87).

In reviewing all of this, it is brought home to me powerfully how far off the beam I currently am. I woke up at 2 in the morning again, this time full of what seemed like a rage that would kill me. I actually put my own hands around my throat and experimented with what it would feel like to choke myself to death, which is of course impossible. Then I started punching myself in the head, since I figured that would stop the horrifying thoughts I was having. This is not my usual way of being, allow me to reassure you, dear reader. 

But so be it at this time. I have little to no control whatsoever over what I will wake up thinking at 2 am. In this case, I was imagining the ex's new paramour gloating about how he had utterly defeated me and won her hand. How he had humiliated me and stolen from me the central partnership and relationship of my life. And I was imagining my ex gloating right along with him, mocking my grief, dismissing my pain as inconsequential, glibly going on about her new life with a killing indifference to me. 

In the midst of these thoughts, the searing pain of my own humiliation and rage finally becomes great enough that I become willing enough to seek relief. It is no consolation whatsoever that relief MUST come in the form of forgiveness of both the new paramour and the ex. I have no other choice, if I am to live free myself. I can't wish my way to freedom, I can't pursue retribution and expect to live a useful or happy life, and I can't simply wallow and allow my hatred and bitterness or self-hatred and self-destructive impulses to dominate me. 

The great consolation is that there is one single word in the first hexagram, Huan: "gently." "A dangerous situation exists which can be resolved by perceiving the source of the danger and GENTLY dissolving, disintegrating, or dissipating (as in scattering) the dangerous elements."

Gently, not by fantasizing about choking oneself, or trying to beat awful thoughts out of my head. Showing up for persistent and gentle dissipation of danger. The first steps in step 4 grudge work involve honestly admitting just how fucking pissed off we are and getting clearer about why. 

The great news is that I am the source of the danger. This is great news because I can begin to find ways to show up for myself. If the danger were outside of me, there would be nothing I would be able to do. "Seek divine guidance in whatever way is appropriate for you to retain help in revealing the heart of the problem and in learning about ways to dissipate the danger. Even the greatest danger can be successfully dissolved. Perseverance in searching for the source of the danger and in seeking ways to dissolve the danger is required. Success is certain."

One way to use wind on water.....