Reactor Core

I honestly have no idea what the hell I am doing. I guess that's all right. Maybe it's best.

I continue to work on 4th step resentments. Two yesterday that were very difficult to work through and the dissolution of which will take time-- my resentment toward the ex for being abandoned, and a general intense loathing toward her new paramour, for his generally shitty behavior.

I have known the paramour for 36 years, ever since day two in my first year dorm room at SJC in 1981. He is one of these people with whom it 's fine having a same sex acquaintance but you wouldn't want anyone you even half cared about getting romantically involved with him. He insinuates himself into other people's relationships, he talks and walks a super fine game up front with women and then engages in low class cheating, lying and toxic gaslighting and abuse. He sent me a message on Facebook as he and the ex were starting to get together that said "That's a formidable woman with whom you spend your time. She and I have found a surprising thing. No harm intended." I mean, that was literally just about it. I was very cold and distant in my reply because I so intensely did not want to be triangulated and entangled. I at first simply wrote "Indeed." Then he replied "That is not a very helpful comment!" Can you trace how he communicates in these shitty, deflected and dominating ways? I replied "x tells me everything, so I know already." When I talked with the ex about his stupid shit attempt at communication, she said "that doesn't sound very skillful, but I think he is just trying to behave honorably." These kinds of bland exchanges where she more and more ardently defended him were why I declared January a no-conversation-about-the-shitbag month, which I'm sure also didn't end up helping matters much.

I think I resent his fucked up entangling and triangulating behavior more than anything-- he is probably closeted bi and actually wants to fuck me, not the ex, not that there's anything wrong with that, but when it gets acted out in an unconscious competition and a project of destructive shitbag behavior, well, yes, there is something wrong with that. He succeeded in contributing to a good fucking, that's for sure.

On Monday night, February 27, just about exactly 3 fucking weeks ago, after I returned from my Ajo sojourn and then went and did step work and then returned home supposedly to practice the "reflective communication and empathy" exercise the couples counselor had taught us on Friday, and after the ex set it out for me in absolute clarity that she was done and that she was ending the partnership, I went into a fairly blind rage and sent the following message to her new paramour on Facebook: "Good job, very thorough, well done. No harm intended eh? I guess you really are a Master of Fates. I hope when she finds out what a fucking abusive piece of shit you are, she eviscerates you the way she has eviscerated me. Have fun." I still remember just about every word of that compact shit bomb, as there remains something satisfying about it.

Now, how am I supposed to locate my role in this resentment? That's the toughest work. He weaseled his way into a vulnerable relationship, seduced the partner of someone who was supposedly his friend, pretended to be operating within a set of poly agreements that were rapidly eroding, probably engaged in some other awful shenanigans that I don't even know about. What did I do? How was I self-seeking, selfish, dishonest and afraid?

I got to some of that yesterday. In fact, the biggest revelation was my utter foolishness in basically *daring* him to continue pursuing the ex. I felt so cocky and confident that he had little to offer her that she would actually buy that I did not engage with him actively. To his brief message to me about how they had found "a surprising thing" and "no harm intended," I now wish I had not responded so confidently and cockily. It appears I underestimated his skills as a toxic asshole and the ex's attractions to him. From the very moment that this new relationship began to emerge, I handled things arrogantly, egotistically, defensively, resentfully, fearfully and in a great many other unskilled ways. I am reminded of parts of the description of the Pluto/Moon situation currently going on for me from Cafe Astrology:

Fear-- sometimes intense fear-- can reveal itself at the beginning of a challenging Pluto transit. We confront our “dark” side-- those parts of us that are raw, primal, and instinctive. Resisting this process can cause us to externalize or project these parts of ourselves. If we do this, Pluto’s energy has to go somewhere, so we end up meeting Pluto in our lives in the guise of events and people. If we are attracting jealous, manipulative, and controlling people or situations, we can ask ourselves why this is happening. Is there something in ourselves that is provoking this kind of behavior or circumstance?

Never underestimate the persistence and skills of a toxic competitor and never overestimate the ability of your partner to be discerning and keep things in proportion when you are not showing up for her.

As a side note, it's funny to me that some people seem to think that our poly agreements led to this current situation. The absurdity of that is easily revealed by pointing out how many monogamous relationships end with extra-curricular adventures that "turn serious." There is no structural relationship hedge against the gradual dissolution of a connection with someone and the subsequent almost inevitable and archetypal emergence of an interloper.

At any rate, "putting aside the wrongs that others have done entirely" and working on getting free of this shit is both the most challenging and most rewarding endeavor currently. I can tell that the work will lead to some serious liberation. But I can't rush it-- the simple fact is that, obviously, my grudge, hatred, resentment and anger still boils away. There's more yet to be accepted. This is also true in regard to the resentment toward the ex for abandoning me rather than turning toward our partnership to attempt to salvage or renew it.