We Interrupt Our Regular Enchantment

for this, the first communication from A to me in 4 months:

"Hi. I'm considering finding a new home for the cats. I'm hardly ever here and they are alone too much and seem stressed. Are you interested in taking the little one, or both of them? I hope you're well."

I don't find this very enchanting. 

Not sure I can take the little one-- my landlord is not thrilled with the idea and I occupy 250 square feet, and this is not at all a safe neighborhood for her to be indoor-outdoor. The reason I left her in the first place was because I figured she would have a better life in the big house, with her brother cat, A, and A's son. (Also, I was homeless and subsequently in a house with 5 dogs so). 

I'm considering it. It is absolutely not a decision to be made lightly. I know me, and I know if I take her I'll have her until she dies. My dear departed dog, Finny, was with me for 14 years, through 13 moves, an apartment in LA, the furnace of Phoenix, etc. It never even occurred to me, not once, that I had the option of getting rid of her. And I am working on being realistic about the incredible amount of traveling I have coming up, the realities of finishing my PhD, the shoebox size of my place, etc., etc., etc.

Finny looking so excited to have a vast expanse of just-shampooed carpet to vomit or shit on, two of her favorite hobbies, in the apartment we shared in Los Angeles, 2002. 

Mostly, I'm working on letting go of the judgment I have for A-- wondering why it seems so easy for her to, yet again, wash her hands of a commitment made to sentient beings. Feeling superior and rueful. Disappointed and holier than thou. These are tough feelings to work through. Someone at last night's CoDA meeting said "I am learning how to let other people lead their own lives and deal with their own karma, without judging them or trying to get involved." This was important for me to be reminded of. 

I expect some of my readers will urge me to take the little one. I might. But it's not clear to me whether I should or not. Fortunately, it doesn't seem like A is in any hurry to get rid of the cats, so I can wait for clarity. 

I am glad she at least asked.