Boundaries

At the CoDA meeting Sunday night, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks that I had yet again confused my own passivity combined with a lack of basic self-regard and honoring of my own values with kindness. Kindness is a very different beast altogether from the bland, weak and soggy "NICENESS" that lets all sorts of passive aggressive bullshit slide. 

So, today, on my 56th birthday, I declare a War on Niceness. I do want to find space to be kind, if possible, but NOT at the expense of my values or my sense of dignity or while ignoring my intuition.  
For example, if someone insults me regarding one of my core values, basically accusing me of being (for example) sexist and of posting something on Facebook that is denigrating to women, and then that person refuses to learn or listen and insists on holding an uneducated, untenable position that is simultaneously personally insulting to me and to someone I love, including sanctimonious condescension, ageism, finger wagging and endless moral superority, then I see no need to continue to pretend to have a real relationship with that person. 

The person engaging in this behavior also has a very sweet and "loving" exterior and is fond of prefacing passive aggressive and judgmental moralizing with comments about love and respect. NO. 

Love and respect are in the exchange. In the respect for boundaries. In the honoring of the actual relationship. Not in a few blandishments that are then followed by passive aggressive high horse sanctimonious judgments. 

No. 

Get real. There has also been an enduring pattern of snarky, snide or tsk tsking rejection of a lot of the content I post on FB that originates from a particular person, whose sense of humor I thoroughly appreciate and whose values, actual action in the actual world and involvement in her community are admirable. I suspect there is either unconscious or conscious bitterness toward this person for some reason. It comes out sideways and is fundamentally not okay with me. 

For example, this cartoon I posted yesterday:

Okay, on the surface, provocative. I can see why someone might ask: "Wow, this seems sexist to me-- what am I missing?" Especially if someone professes to "respect" me or "love me with all their heart." 

Asking and being open minded before attacking is a behavior that models respect. It's easy to say "I respect you and love you with all my heart," and then proceed to judge, dismiss, condescend, finger wag, tsk tsk and generally be abusive. That is not respect...um...obviously? If I weren't codependent, it would be crystal clear.  

SO MANY weird angles came up around the above meme that I might post more about it all going forward, but this post is not about the meme, but about disrespect and emotional abuse masquerading as sweetness and light and bullying masquerading as moral superiority. 

It turns out that the above cartoon has some very deep background, unearthed by another FB friend of mine. 

The original:

Now, I also happen to think the original cartoon is funny as hell. And I love the way the internet pounced on it and turned it into a hilarious and ever-shifting meme. And if you don't get why, all you would have to do is ask. And if you are offended and want to occupy some kind of condescending imaginary high ground, go right ahead, but not on my fuckin' Facebook timeline and not while pretending to respect me and denigrating not only me but *also* someone I love and respect.

So here's how I am going to approach these things as I go forward: If you insist on being passive aggressive with me, hit the road. NO TIME. ESPECIALLY if you expect me to buy your duplicitous "I love you" fake bullshit. Get real or go play in someone else's sandbox.