Mindfully navigating sludge

Which is not to say that I don't get spun, and spun badly. But that shining moment of joy was quite welcome. So rare that I didn't even know what it was, exactly. And unsustainable, so that what one ends up having to be mindful of is also its departure, letting go of attachment to the good as well as the bad. So to speak. We tend to reserve "this too shall pass" for periods of time when either we or our loved ones are suffering, but of course it would, by necessity, have to be true of joyous times as well. It's not like equanimity is just a way to get out of misery. It's also a way to get out of attachment to what we judge to be good, because whatever it is, it sure as fuck is not going to last. 

This is a dense and challenging post, so here's the beautiful flower of Cylindropuntia santamaria, which, naturally, is not going to last. Cheer up. 

The practice of not taking things personally involves praise as much as insult-- it may be that praise is best even more urgently detached from our sense of self worth. 

The reality of joy is that it's inextricably tied to suffering. This is why one of the Brahma Viharas is "May all sentient beings never be separated from bliss without suffering." (rough translation, but perhaps the best English translation). That is, "may all sentient beings experience a joy that does not arise as a passing form that derives its energy from a lack of joy." (ick). 

To the degree that we are unhappy, aware of our suffering, unable to accept reality, we are also vulnerable to clinging to any tiny moment of the other extreme. And I always want to "make it last," because it has offered such a promise of relief, and, of course, like everything, the joy does not last. Again, this cycle is intimately connected to my compulsive drinking and drugging, codependent patterns in relationships, as well as my compulsive acting out in a slew of other areas. Wanting the joy to be in amber, once and for all-- and then the amulet of amber can be used to ward off the shit. Of course, this violates the basic nature of reality, so it's delusional. 

It's not the arising of this or that emotional state that is even under consideration from the perspective of mindfulness. It is not as if most of us even have the barest shot at "getting our emotions under control." But when I work with mindfulness, I can work with my *attachment* and the *thoughts* of getting, keeping and defending that are the symptoms of attachment. 

Now, I readily acknowledge that some readers might be thinking, "Dude, you're 56 (in 11 days) and you are just now figuring this shit out? Welcome to Earth. Welcome to the human race. Mind the gap getting off your delusion rocket." If it all seems like old hat to you, stop reading now and go love someone.  

In the heat of hurt feelings, jealousy, anger, wounded pride, disappointment and self-hatred, it is typical for me to lose sight of a lot of things. For one, that it is okay to feel those things, and that they, in turn, do not need to set loose my old self-loathing beast. Because it is often true that I judge myself almost right away when I feel these things-- a real man would be more independent, a real man would not put himself in a position to be hurt, a real man has power over situations, a real man doesn't rock the boat and never has problems, a real man doesn't give a shit what you do and is not "too sensitive", a real man doesn't fucking need any motherfucking anyone at any fucking time in order to be okay, okay?-- and all of those stories. So not only do I feel the pain of roiled feelings, I then layer self hatred on top, like frosting. And even more self loathing and shame gets layered on that. So it's just great. 



On the other hand, when I feel exhilaration, joy, excitement, passion, of course I judge immediately as well. The first thought is often that I am "finally getting what is due to me." That is: Aha! The payoff for all this fucking shit of being alive! However, it soon arises in my mind that I am an idiot for thinking these positive feelings are real, for trusting that I am having a reliable experience, and really, I am just going to get royally fucked. Again. And if I share my excitement or joy with another person (not necessarily even the person who may have been the trigger of these good feelings), I am a naive idiot setting myself up to be dragged behind the truck of being taken for granted, betrayed or even mocked and ridiculed. "You really believed me?" whispers Julian of Norwich from behind her little stone wall and rusted iron grate, chuckling maniacally. 

In these ways and a thousand million more, I become attached to the feeling states and interfere with their nature. As Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and Marsha Linehan repeatedly remind people, feelings naturally have a beginning, middle and end. They are going to arise, unfold and pass. In this way, feelings are absolutely like every other appearance. Arising, presenting as if real, passing away. Clearly, if feelings themselves are "the problem" or "the solution," then I am in a delusion. Because I have no success managing my feelings, so this means I am always looking for external situations that I think will be more likely to "cause" good feelings and eliminate or reduce "bad" ones, and I am always relying on luck. This is ineffective and impossible. "Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?" (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 61). 

The tangle is in my position regarding feelings, not in the feelings themselves.

Two less than ideal consequences of this complex, exhausting dance: first, in the midst of the action/reaction cycle, I am unlikely to be able to hear clearly what the actual information is in the feelings. Second, I am likely to engage in acting out behavior that only causes harm to myself and others and is absolutely unnecessary and truly just a form of self-sabotage. 

I like the perspective on emotions that they are information. My feeling life is one of the most powerful sources of information I have. AA people often say "feelings aren't facts," and I think what is usually meant (when one assumes best intentions) is "feelings are not always proportional to situations," or something like that. Because, for me, the one thing a feeling is, is a plain and simple fact. And the decades I have spent denying my feelings and the simple fact of their presence have not been the best. When I am angry, I'm angry. That's a fact. However, of course, mindfulness is available to me, a saving grace that gives me a middle way of observing, describing and learning from the arising of a strong emotion, letting it take its chemical course in the vulnerable meatspace of my humanity, and learning from it. But I don't stand a chance of getting the message when I try to manage the feeling that has come up. 

It's a message. But it's in a bottle. Get it?

So, trying to deny and manage my emotions maybe has this chain: I feel anger. I panic and feel I have to do something about it right the fuck away. I judge myself for feeling angry. I try to get rid of the anger. I blame someone else for the anger. "I'm having a feeling and it's all your fault." I have a mess I have to clean up which is humiliating. I never stop to evaluate why I feel angry, what the information might be. I get actually nothing whatsoever out of the entire experience, except confirmation of the delusion that I am a broken, toxic person, unsuitable for relationships. And, of course, the payoff of that (because there is always, always a payoff) is that I am off the hook, not responsible for my reality and such a piece of shit that I never have to have any feelings ever again, because of course, my feelings just show what a worthless piece of shit I am. 

On the other hand, mindfulness gives me access, with practice, to this chain: I feel anger. I don't resist it. I give it space because I honor my experience. I observe that I am angry and walk it back to what might be underneath it. I recognize that my feelings are hurt. I assess whether or not my hurt feelings and anger are proportional to the event that I see as the cause. This assessment is carried out with patience and self-compassion, and often involves discussion with a trusted friend. It usually can't be rushed or forced or faked and needs to be given as much space as it needs. 

If the feelings are out of proportion to the event, there is valuable information there. That usually means that the event is loaded down like a lint roller with some past, unprocessed offense or trauma, either involving the person who "caused" my feelings, or someone else entirely. Then I can honor *that* and get to know myself along those lines with love and compassion. 

If the feelings do seem proportional to the event, there's valuable information there, also. Let's say my feelings are hurt in response to being ignored. Have I put myself in a position to be used, taken advantage of, taken for granted or treated as an afterthought? Do I want to continue in that position? How can I most effectively communicate that this seems to be the case, how can I make clear that this is my perspective and not use blame or shame? How can I use the arising of hurt feelings and anger to protect myself, to stand up for myself, to set a legitimate boundary, rather than either simply cave and pretend I am not hurt or overreact and erect an impenetrable wall? (those two things go hand in hand for me). 

My goal is to live mindfully with emotional intelligence. This is not a primarily rational process, as it might sound above. That's only because it is put into words, which naturally create structures of connotation and denotation. Rationality is only one small part of mindfulness. Mindfulness is a totality of awareness that arises from physical sensation, feelings, intuition, reasoning and an expansive, slow, patient cultivation of self-compassion for one's basic nature. The nature of mindfulness is that it allows for all of it, not just some of it. My reasoning mind only allows for whatever fits within the ratios of reason. When I have tried to rely, like one of the old stoics, entirely on reason, I just end up hurt and baffled again. The only way to get the whole experience is to use our own wholeness to meet it in an open space where it has as much room as it needs. 

If I am particularly riled up, the best action for a while is non-action. No strategy, no thoughts, no conversation, no looking for relief, nothing. 

Reflecting on the Serenity Prayer from this perspective: I'm asking for the clarity to accept my feelings (since I actually *cannot* change those as they arise); I'm asking for the courage to change my *behavior* (including my intellectual, perceptual behavior) in response to feelings, and I'm asking for the wisdom to be mindful of this difference.

It is what it is.