Down to the roots

"Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt."-- Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 62

Photo by Noell S Oszvald

The above passage was largely the topic of discussion at the Big Book study meeting last night. I was particularly drawn this time to Bill W's use of the word "driven." This is a dramatic word in context-- and it has taken on some more connotations since the late 1930's when the Big Book was written. The definitions in the dictionary that Bill used are very forceful-- being impelled, forced, pushed. 

Driven by a hundred forms of. Then comes one of Bill's lists, always worth paying attention to. 

Fear.

Self-delusion.

Self-seeking.

Self-pity. 

Nice. Good looking stuff. 

The first thing that stood out for me in the series is "self-seeking," because it seems to have a slightly different, but somewhat overlapping, set of connotations than plain old "selfish." I think of "self-seeking" as more behavioral-- a set of actions taken in the interests of the self. "Selfish," I think of as more of a general mode or internal attitude. It also seems to me that "self-seeking" implies a particular mode of how I get my information or sense of compass. I don't ask other people, I don't discuss things, I don't negotiate or compromise-- all of my information, all of my "little plans and designs," start and end with me. There is no open mind. 

Now, before I get too far into this, it's important to add that I want to make peace with it. No hairshirt or self-flagellation for me. Of course it's not a pretty picture, especially considering that it often seems I have no choice in the matter (Driven). However, if I outright reject this state of affairs, I'm rejecting my humanity. My compassion begins with self-compassion. The core of what needs love is fear, for example. The only way out of the anosognosia of self-delusion is participating with other people. The antidote to self-seeking is seeking others. The anodyne for self-pity is helping others. 

And all of those loving actions in the world have to start and have their ground in my own relationship with myself. Focusing on that relationship, however, is counterproductive. Tuesday night, I was down-- grey, moody, sad, restless. In sobriety, I notice these phases much more acutely-- I have nothing with which to numb, medicate, escape. I still fall into self-judgment: "What is wrong with me?" 

I walked over to my home group, the great gathering of the broken, the identified patients of society, the nearly 100 men every Tuesday night who have gone far down the scale and come back out into the light to talk about it (and, believe me, when you look around that room, you know the entire city is much safer with all of us in recovery)--

And the instant I walked in, actually before I was even in the room, the root of my troubles was obvious. Self-pity. There it is. Simple enough. And in my first interaction with one of my fellow drunks in recovery, the self-pity started to lift and I started to rediscover my anchor, my compass, my night light, whatever you want to call it. 

Sometimes it feels like this passage through Hades could kill me, and sometimes it feels like it could give birth to me. Either way, it's what it is. 

The best get well card I've ever seen, designed by a former student of mine