The truth is, this kind of behavior simply shows someone who you loathe that you are still attached to them and still engaged in the wrongs you think they did you. It also shows that one is operating under a delusion-- the delusion that it is one's job to set the record straight, get justice, teach the other person something or even just let them know what a steaming pile of shit they are because, by God, they DESERVE to know what a steaming pile of shit they are.
I hereby resign from this job. I hope to resign from it all day today, and maybe even all day tomorrow. It's not my job. I'm under no obligation to stay attached to people toward whom I bear ill will. I am under no obligation to achieve justice in this world, or teach anyone I hate a lesson, or set the record straight or, well, anything. I'm under no obligation to do anything at all.
"We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it." Bill W, 12 and 12, page 90.
Because it really is potentially a life or death matter. One of my old hobbies, after all, was drinking AT people who had angered me. It is a classic alcoholic caper of utmost self-destructive impulses. "This person wronged me! I will imbibe a large amount of poison so I can show them how much they wronged me!" Weird.
In fact, my obligations lie elsewhere and are much more valuable and important than wasting all that energy and getting entangled in unnecessary pain. It's of primary importance for me to let go and move on from people and situations that rouse rage in me. Instead of going into battle, it is very important for me to work with my own emotional state, my own defects and my own role in creating my own life. In these ways, instead of being always at the ready to slash and burn, to let everyone know how wrong they are, to get retribution using acidulous speech, I have the energy to be of service to people I might actually help. I have the focus on myself, on where I am going, on where I want to be in this short life. I refrain from indulging in any acting out that would further attach me to the object of my loathing, and I get a chance to work on my loathing in ways that might convert it to something useful.
The delusion of all acted out anger is that it is a powerful display of rejection, of not caring, of justified enforcement of separation and a way to let the other person know that we think they are shit. The truth is that acted out anger is a display of attachment, of still caring *a lot*, of being enmeshed and a way to let the other person know that we think they are important enough to get angry toward.
This is not a rejection of the energy of anger-- it must be felt and dealt with on its own very severe terms. It refuses to be dismissed, mollified, pushed away. It can absolutely signal to us that we have truly been violated and that we need to protect ourselves or others. But it need not be acted out in the direction of the "cause" of the anger, or even in any outer way. It is in fact happening in me-- not out there. So the proper place to address it and find ways to let it move through and not condition my behavior, is to address it in me, where it is happening. When I put it out there, I expose myself to harm, at least, and at worst I cause a lot of harm as well that will have to be cleaned up someday, if I am to live.
Part of the reason I have often acted out anger in shitty ways, especially in writing or speech, is I hate feeling angry. It is my attempt to get the burning shirt of anger off me. I want to get out of anger as quickly as possible. It scratches my shiny look good of being a "nice person" or a "good man." Sadly, none of the strategies I have tried to use to get out of it quickly work in any effective way, however.
Becoming comfortable with the discomfort of feeling anger is part of owning it and avoiding causing harm. Or even-- imagine-- making the world a better place. Think of what the world would be like if everyone took responsibility for their anger. Non-violence in a true sense has to start with this. It can't start with pretending one isn't angry or blaming or avoiding. Violence comes out sideways. Owning, sitting with, processing, recognizing, praying and meditating and dissolving through the action of compassion toward oneself and others-- that's where non-violence starts.
Which reminds me of the three tenets of Zen Peacemakers:
Not-knowing thereby giving up fixed ideas about ourselves and the universe
Bearing witness to the joy and suffering of the world
Taking actions that arise from not-knowing and bearing witness
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