I'll introduce a problem: Nothing has been going on until a couple days ago regarding the breakup, really. I've been continuing to grieve, feeling some progress in letting go and lightening the road, moving on and reducing attachment. There continues to be exactly zero communication from A regarding anything at all.
However (cue ominous music) a couple nights ago I got a message request on FB from A's new person. Very triggering and uncomfortable. It turns out he wanted to defend himself against a truly nasty message I had sent him *two months ago* and of course picked the night after the first night I had slept through the whole night in months.
This reinforces some negative beliefs about this person-- in particular his deep need to remain present for people and to be powerful or important for them, to stay on their minds. Why else would you message someone two months after they send you a message, reminding them of their faults in sending it? Of course the lesson for me is really-- just don't send nasty messages to people I hate. Then they won't have any reason to message you later. If they do message you, you can just ignore it, because you don't owe them a damn thing.
What I had said to him, however, has been on my conscience and the indication from the universe was that, well, here's a chance to apologize. In my message a couple months ago I had implied that he intentionally ruined my partnership with A, was a sociopath, and (verbatim) "a fucking abusive piece of shit." Not a proud moment.
My apology yesterday was brief, and followed by a request for no more contact going forward, except possibly in the context of 12 step work in a program of recovery. I was glad to have an opportunity to apologize for my outburst (which I had sent him the night A ended our partnership). But it felt like being poisoned to be in contact with this person again.
The interaction, as slight as it was, sent me tumbling back to where my heart and mind were a couple weeks ago-- jealous, incredulous, angry, unable to let go, rolling through a lot of dark turmoil all night long. It's understandable that my gains would be fragile. And I do feel more resilient in general. But it is like coming into contact with an allergen, or toxic poison. Distance is best. As in: as much distance as possible, forever.
But if you throw a razor's edge boomerang out there, it's bound to come back somehow. One of the subtle benefits of non-action is you don't get tied to someone who is toxic for you and then have to re-encounter them down the line. If I stay unattached from the beginning and keep my side of the street clean, I don't owe anyone anything. One of the worst situations to put myself in is to owe someone I hate. It's a way to demolish my freedom and be tangled in the barbed wire of loathing, which is strong attachment.
The codependency of this behavior is more clear to me now. When I outright hate someone, I feel my self esteem plummet. In the midst of loathing myself so thoroughly, it seems perfectly reasonable to lash out and expose myself to retaliation. It feels like I deserve retaliation. It feels like violence will solve it. A person engaged in self care, kindness toward oneself, self respect and dignity would realize that lashing out will only lead to some indignity down the line. That it is a formula for self harm to lash out at someone you hate. When the hate boils off, which it always does for me, there's just regret and foolishness waiting. Eventually, I find whoever it was was actually not even worth hating, and all the energy I put into that and displayed was just a waste and was totally futile anyway.
To keep oneself safe, restraint of pen and tongue is very important.
Anyway, onward. I offered a sincere apology. I set a clear boundary. I'm done, once the poison boils off.
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