How I drive people crazy

I was doing a relationship and sex inventory as part of my step 4 the past couple of days (Big Book, pages 68-70) and, as always, picking up some new insights. In particular, recalling how many essentially kind, decent, generous, affectionate and loyal women I have been with and how, after enough time (sometimes weeks, sometimes years, depending on what stuff she's made of) experiencing me and my relationship shenanigans, many of them became resentful, dishonest, stingy, hyper critical, withdrawn and no longer interested, or even downright excoriatingly hostile. It occurs to me that the Occam's Razor explanation for this pattern is simple: I drive people to act out their worst character defects.

I know, I know. I can already hear the other possible explanations and objections. But bear with me. 

On harm, Bill W says this in the 12 and 12:

"We might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we have "harmed" other people. What kinds of "harm" do people do one another anyway? To define the word "harm" in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision, which cause physical, mental, emotional or spiritual damage to people. If our tempers are consistently bad, we arouse anger in others. If we lie or cheat, we deprive others not only of their worldly goods, but of their emotional security and peace of mind. We really issue them an invitation to become contemptuous and vengeful. If our sex conduct is selfish, we may excite jealousy, misery, and a strong desire to retaliate in kind."

So Bill's definition of harm is, basically, that we fuck with people and they act out of their defects. Our own behavior, that arises out of our character defects, becomes an invitation for others to act out their own worst qualities. Inviting people to act out of their defects is how we harm them. Because the whole scene essentially enhances suffering and offers little else, in the long run, reinforcing the sense of despair and isolation. 

I'm guessing that most people drive other people to act out of their defects, given the right circumstances (being "in love," or married, for example) or given enough familiarity and time. But one of the valuable things to learn and change about oneself would be the unique ways each of us brings out the absolute worst in people we supposedly care about. 

Bill goes on:

"Such gross misbehavior is not by any means a full catalogue of the harms we do. Let us think of some of the subtler ones which can sometimes be quite as damaging. Suppose that in our family lives we happen to be miserly, irresponsible, callous or cold. Suppose that we are irritable, impatient, critical and humorless. Suppose we lavish attention on one member of the family and neglect the others. What happens when we try to dominate the whole family, either by a rule of iron or by a constant outpouring of minute directions for just how their lives should be lived from hour to hour? What happens when we wallow in depression, self-pity oozing from every pore, and inflict that upon those about us? Such a roster of harms done others-- the kind that make daily living with us as practicing alcoholics difficult and often unbearable-- could be extended almost indefinitely. When we take such personality traits as these into shop, office and the society of our fellows, they can do damage almost as extensive as that we have caused at home."

It's funny that he says "as practicing alcoholics," because even as a sober alcoholic I have acted out these defects and more in my relationships, as I'm sure many people do. I've already unraveled how I show up strong-- Mr. Wonderful on the white horse!-- at the start of things, and then gradually become much more of the hermit (or downright anchorite) I actually am. Underlying this pattern is a suite of emotional insecurities and ego feeding propositions that are easy to uncover. It's obvious that my lavishly affectionate and available phase is to hook a woman into being with me. My astonishingly remote and unavailable phase is at least partly a result of the terror of real intimacy, as it threatens yet again to unfold over time. It's also in part that I just get bored and take my partner for granted. But the fear is probably more operative. "You don't get to really see me, because you'd hate me." Ironically, of course, disappearing causes its own kind of hate.

Other challenging aspects of myself that I have been able to identify so far: depression and the stubborn refusal to get help; arrogance and a sense of superiority; very high ideals and a critical attitude toward others; irritability and crankiness on a daily basis; my default response of finding fault; lying and having affairs; being attracted to other women; a lack of financial stability; not very careful attention to my physical possessions or even self care; obsessions with odd things that it's hard for other people to get very excited about; absolutely impenetrable selfishness and self-centeredness. This list along with the knight in shining armor/hermit conundrum would make a great Tinder profile. Let them know up front. Attract women who like a challenge. 

Of course, like everyone, there are excellent qualities I act out in relationship as well. But that's not the point of this kind of inventory, not at first anyway. The point is to find the patterns that have blocked me, that have caused the greatest misery for myself and others, and see as much of it as clearly as possible. The hope is that the revelations lead, constructively, to what the Big Book calls "a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life." 

Anyway, there are very very very good reasons that people partnered even with recovering alcoholics find they benefit from Al Anon. I think probably the peculiar insanity of alcoholism and addiction operates in many ways, especially in close relationships, regardless of one's sobriety or even spiritual fitness. For example, it takes a lot of time and energy to stay sober. It's a huge commitment. One of the weird ironies of the breakup with A is that she developed her infatuation with her new person largely in the many hours that I was out at meetings, working with sponsees, doing step work with my sponsor, etc. I spend 20 hours a week or more on activities directed toward maintaining my sobriety and helping others achieve sobriety. So to be in a partnership with me means you have deep inner resources and do not respond to being lonely by looking for love elsewhere.  

Other aspects of alcoholism that seem in common, even among sober alcoholics, include extra doses of sensitivity, fear and anxiety, grandiosity, pride, selfishness and self-seeking, paranoia, jealousy and controlling behavior. You hear sober alcoholics with years of time working a good program talk about these things. It comes with the territory. Of course these are just ordinary human frailties. But they often seem exaggerated in alcoholics and addicts. "Extreme examples of self-will run riot," says the Big Book, and this can often be true in sobriety as well as active drinking.