A Moment of Clarity

I gave myself plenty of time yesterday, hanging around ASU for a few hours before the plant biology seminar. I've been making a lot more space and time lately, trying to a). always be doing only one thing and b). introduce a slower tempo and move away from the habit of always leaving just enough time to get places. My usual mode is extreme multitasking (even as I write this, I am digitizing Duke Ellington's 1943 Carnegie Hall concert), and my usual way of planning is to know down to the minute how long it takes for me to get somewhere-- ASU, for example-- and leave at exactly the time required. The multitasking often leads to an exhausted, scattered, desultory state of mind. The last minute departures lead to aggravated driving, tension and agitation, because I hate being late, and when you are in a hurry, there's always some asshole who isn't. 

So both of these games seem to be about creating distractions. I've been noticing that if I only do one thing at a time and leave more time for travel, I am paying much closer attention to my mind, my feelings and my general sanity level. In the spaces that are created, I appear. It's not always comfortable. It feels much more purposeful and safe to be busy, distracted and rushing.

In the space yesterday, I knew strongly that I was dysphoric. Caught in that place of just not feeling well but not knowing where it was coming from. Sitting outside on May 1 in the warm spring air and watching ASU students walk by, in a tiny opening where I was not defending myself, I suddenly very clearly knew what I was feeling. "I feel abandoned and worthless," I said to myself, and it completely fit. 

Of course our ego instantly starts pushing back on such a clear insight-- "it's not true, you have a lot of friends, you'll get over it, and anyway, you're not worthless, why do you think these things?" Etc. Jabbering away. Whistling past the graveyard. The understandable attempts to replace the bare truth of experience with a story, a buffer or some distraction. 

But I simply sat with it, somewhat meditatively, and observed my encounter. It explained everything. How have I been reacting to the world? As if I am abandoned and worthless. Why have I been feeling so desperately out of place? I feel abandoned and worthless. The insight arose alongside the realization that it was alright to just hold space for the feelings. No need to interrogate, shame, push aside, explain, run or fight. No need to solve any problem, because there was no problem. It felt like myself giving myself permission to tell myself the truth. 

Of course, staying in it is also not required and yet another form of attachment. The blessing of feelings is, when you leave them alone, they rise up, give you information and then they pass away on their own. They do not have to be managed. Much of the information gets lost when I do try to manage them. 

You'd think that it would be painful to realize that you feel abandoned and worthless. But in fact the insight is liberating, if it is really what you are feeling. Because it gives you a true place to start. Everything else is just avoidance and distraction. Once you get right into what is really happening, however, a lot becomes possible. 

For one thing, all the energy that it takes to fend off the insight is suddenly free for other things. In general, I always experience an unmediated insight into my feeling state as liberating. There's no need for any more story, pretense, fight, rationalization or even outright dishonesty. The moment is just absolutely clear. It is an opportunity to live at peace with myself. It frees me up to start to really get somewhere.