"We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it." (Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 69)
How does the appearance of this:
Turn into this:
One of the aspects of this inventory I have not looked at in the three times I have done it previously is how much of my codependency was motivated by my own selfishness, dishonesty and lack of consideration for others. How much of the patterns of codependency caused my own jealousy, suspicion and bitterness? I have taken the view in past inventories that I was mostly duplicitous and incapable of loyalty, monogamy or honest communication, and of course those are legit patterns of mine. But now it looks like these are symptoms-- the *result* of addictive relationship patterns. So, as we always find when we revisit step work, it's time to go deeper.
I like how, in CoDA, "the only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships." (Tradition 3). I guess I have that desire, although it kind of feels at the moment like I just don't want the unhealthy and hateful relationships of my past. I am full of the awful spirit of NEVER AGAIN GODDAMNIT. That will have to do.
Some of my behavioral patterns in romantic, sexual and love relationships with women that arise near the beginning:
-Jumping into commitment very quickly
-Interpreting sex as a requirement for commitment
-Assuming the other person is also ready for commitment and interpreting all of her behavior that way
-Getting into domestic partnership situations quickly
-Changing myself outwardly in order to get approval
-Getting into regular, almost constant "small message" performance of romance-- texts, emails, nicknames, special salutations, etc.
-Claiming to want reliable monogamous commitment when that is not what I want
-Overlapping, so that I am always in relationship
-Putting on a mask or persona and/or adopting relatively rigid roles
-Adapting my personal aesthetic/preferences to those of my partner (food, clothes, style of travel, music (sometimes, also usually switching to headphones to listen to music), art on the walls, literature, decor, sense of humor, facial hair, etc)
-Reducing or putting aside my involvement in music, horticulture, hiking/travel, writing, education, professional advancement, recovery in order to spend more time with others
-Intense communication and transparency or at least the appearance of same
-Emotional dependence in the form of always checking my compass against the mood and attitude of the other
-Making a lot of space for my partner in spite of not giving myself very much, including shifting the focus of many conversations toward her and what is going on with her
Later on, the patterns definitely shift in important ways:
-Withdrawing after a period of intense relating; withdrawing even more if asked to be more present
-Neglecting to communicate my own sexual preferences and desires openly
-Staking a claim for isolation, traveling alone, etc.
-Return to increased involvement in activities and recovery
-Rebellion against the earlier concessions
-Resentments that come out sideways (such as returning to some aesthetic preference I had abandoned earlier-- maybe changing my haircut to a style the woman hates or wearing clothes she thinks look stupid, etc.)
-Hidden sexual relationships, intrigue, porn, the double life
-Complete shut down of communication, especially around my own emotions
-Internal blame of the other person for the gradual failure to connect
-Almost complete cessation of sexual interaction, or at least an almost total icing of passion with sex becoming rote and obligatory
-A very platonic feeling, sometimes even quite tender, friendly and loving, but with little to no intimacy-- cordial but distant, familiar but guarded
-Fantasies of escaping the partnership
-Idealizing and "falling in love" with a "new" person and taking these juvenile romantic feelings seriously enough to act on them destructively or impulsively
In spite of the later emergence of these patterns of avoidance, fear and resistance, I still usually hold intense feelings of attachment to the other person and deeply appreciate the friendship, not to mention that I am often domestically and socially embedded. Separation has usually led to rending pain and confusion, guilt, remorse, shame, nostalgia, feelings of very low self worth, suicidal ideation, self-destructive acting out, impulsive decisions. These overwhelming consequences of breaking up have even occurred when, while still in the partnership, I hated it and felt truly imprisoned and dead inside, or was acting out sexually with others, or even had "fallen in love" with someone "new."
The "new" relationship usually also emerges during a time when I am depressed to some degree or other and seems to offer a "cure" for my low mood and despair. Or the new relationship is the catalyst for ejecting me out of the old one, and seems like "this time it will be different." (This is just like drinking, by the way). I also tend to think that the "new person" is "so different!!!" from my existing or former partner. These delusions operate very powerful for me. Then depression has tended to settle in yet again- the black-eyed dog shows up at my door. Baffled by how something so amazing can go so sour, I become withdrawn, bitter and hurt.
So there are definite interaction effects between cycles of depression and both phases of the relationship. There used to be intensely connected and obvious alcoholic cycles as well-- reduced drinking with efforts to hide and control at first, with gradual emergence of more frequent and heavier consumption-- and I think in sobriety there are similar cycles of hiding the symptoms of the "ism" of alcoholism at first, with gradual "alcoholism creep" coming back into play-- sensitivity, paranoia, resentment, grandiosity, arrogance, selfishness, self-centeredness, self seeking, isolation, etc.
A three way interaction then of persistent depressive disorder, alcoholism and codependency. A trifecta of romantic bliss, definitely.
Side note: This may all sound pretty harsh and like I should cut myself some slack. I can cut myself some slack *after* looking at these things in a searching and fearless way. This is how recovery works best for me. Once more into the breach-- clarity-- eventual behavioral change. It turns out that fearlessly facing these real patterns causes no harm at all. In fact, the opposite-- harm is sustained in my life through fake ass bullshit self esteem exercises that do not accurately identify my character defects and only contribute to my already narcissistic tendencies. This is the main reason why counseling therapy sometimes does not work for me-- many counselors are trained to be "advocates" for their clients, "boosting their self esteem" and getting their clients to "engage in positive self talk." These exercises work okay for people who are not already delusional and stuck in codependent patterns of victim/perpetrator extremes. But they seem to reinforce my defects in some profound ways. For example, a counselor who might advocate for me as a generous, kind, loving man might also fuel my fires of self-righteous anger-- "the dubious luxury of normal men," says Bill W, and I agree with him. I don't need to work from the outside in to make contact with what is good, true and reliable in myself. I need to work from the inside out. And that means making the character defects that are simply true *into the actual path*.
I have found women who have wanted to hang in there anyway and I have pushed them aside. I've also found women for whom the initial charm of the "fixer upper" project (since I am usually depressed and a mess at first) has most definitely worn off, and they have pushed me aside. The timeline seems to run in roughly 5 year cycles, with smaller spirals of intensity and failure mixed in.
I have been mostly in recovery from the more glaring aspects of alcoholism for the past 13 years. Now, suddenly, I am also seeking definite ways to ameliorate the depression and heal from the codependency. Efforts on all fronts!
The basic shape of my codependent behavior, however, is to drop all of my defenses and boundaries at first. I am eager to surrender the territory, even when the woman I am with is not asking me to. I surrender the territory without negotiation, without necessity. I proceed without caution in any way. What's mine is yours, you get to keep what's yours and even what isn't mine is yours-- take all of it. I don't need any space, bolundaries, time to work on stuff I love, time in recovery. I don't really care about all of my preferences that I just deeply cared about yesterday. Bah! Art isn't important to me, my surroundings aren't important-- you go right ahead and set up house and I'll settle in. Food-- whatever you want to eat. Travel-- wherever you want to go. Until about 2 years from now. Then I am going to start fucking shit up.
I have a long way to go to understand a couple other things. Namely, what kind of picker do I have that seeks women who are looking for a fixer upper, who have strong preferences so that I set up an arena where I can cave and "go along"? And, importantly at this time, how did I try, either successfully or in a futile way, to "do things differently this time" with A? I do know there were self-conscious efforts to "do things differently," but, clearly, in some ways anyway, those efforts were a kind of total catastrophe. But maybe not all of them. Maybe, even without A's interest in salvaging a single fucking thing, I can go into the blasted wreckage and find a few jewels.
Do you accept unsolicited observations/interpretations?
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