One way down is to put pen to paper, even when you expect nothing of substance or import will happen. And for some reason, probably related to sense memory, putting an actual pen to actual paper has a different effect from typing digitally. There is a physicality to it that seems to invite more of the unconscious mind out to play.
In working through a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself in this latest round of step work, I have rediscovered something I knew before: you can reflect on a close family member, for example, and not "feel" any resentment toward them at all. But once you put pen to paper, you'd be surprised.
Of course, sometimes you either honestly are clear in regard to some central figure in your life, or you know immediately and without reservation that you have a resentment. But sometimes, especially if your defenses are strong or you were raised to be "nice," or you are just good at denial or whatever, you would swear you carried nothing but kindness and tolerance in your heart toward a certain person, but once you actually start writing, watch out.
I am in that process now with my immediate family members. And this is the third time I have done a 4th step. And I am 13 years sober. So the lessons are many-- we don't know on our own power what we are actually carrying around, for one thing. That is an important thing to keep in mind. We think we know our emotional landscape and what our various defects and problems are. But we honestly do not.
For those who aren't familiar with step 4 (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves), the idea for the resentment inventory is to make a grudge list of people, institutions and principles. Then in column two, write a brief description of the cause of your resentment. Then in column three write (from a limited list of descriptors) what of yours the offending behavior or idea affects-- is it your self esteem? ambition? pride? pocket book? sex and other relationships? security? It's also helpful to connect what the offending behavior affects with what your fears are. Finally in the very important 4th column, you put aside the wrongs done to you entirely and look for your own role. Where had you been self-seeking? Selfish? Dishonest? Afraid? What harm did you cause, if any? (Usually there's some harm).
A concrete example:
Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
A She's completely cut me off This affects my
and is giving me the silent self-esteem, pride,
treatment sex relations and relationships
security, ambition, pocket book;
fear: being abandoned, rejected,
ignored, hated
Column 4 (my part)
I abandoned her emotionally, repeatedly, starting in summer 2016. I tried to punish her for her new relationship from November through January by giving her the silent treatment and acting out resentment. I refused to communicate with her for weeks. I made it clear that I hated her new person and had lost respect for her as a result of her becoming interested in him. I let my jealousy completely ruin our communication.
This process is repeated as fearlessly as possible for everything you put on your grudge list. My advice to sponsees is to always, always put immediate family members and all close relationships (including boss, sponsor, friends, etc.), whether they "feel" resentment or not, and then start writing. If nothing comes up, great. Move on. But something almost always comes up.
This process is some of the strongest medicine in life, let alone recovery. It has worked repeatedly to relieve me of the most abject attachment to the wrongs others have done me, real or imagined. It has set me free repeatedly. My fear that justice will not be served, or I will not get to punish people who have wronged me, or I will lose a vital part of my identity or whatever-- all of those fears end up being baseless. The end result is getting rid of damaging stories, attitudes and baggage that are blocking me.
As people sometimes ask in AA-- How free do you want to be? If you want to be free in profound, lasting and fundamental ways, try the way down. Down into your deepest hatred, fear, pettiness, jealousy, anger, selfishness, entitlement, egomania, indifference and lack of compassion. The full glory of your inescapable humanity.
A few caveats: cultivate a strong sense of a spiritual foundation and connection to a power greater than yourself first. In particular, a few months of a daily meditation practice is very helpful. Take that connection with you into the work. Also, never take the way down without a guide. Find someone who has already done a 4th step and work with them. Follow the directions meticulously in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 64-71.. Come up for air occasionally. It can be immolating work and it is easy to become self pitying or otherwise to get lost. The point is to get free, not beat yourself up. Just be clear eyed and honest with yourself and keep moving.
If you are painstaking about taking the way down, you'll find it is the way up.
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