No solution because no problem

My first real AA sponsor used to always ask me, "So, what's the problem?" I would tell him some long tale of woe or other-- the IRS seized all the money in my checking account, for example-- and he would pause, and with a glint in his eye, ask me, "So, what's the problem?"

I hated this ferociously at the time and probably still wouldn't dig it all that much at nearly 13 years sober.

But his point was always the same: My self, my story, my ego, my being ensnared by the 8 worldly dharmas-- that was the problem. And he would go further: since all of that is illusion, there is no problem. "So, you don't need a solution-- there is no problem."

Maybe I should read this book:

Easy for you to say, Thubten

I remain strongly attached to feelings of loss, anger, jealousy, astonishment, hatred, tenderness toward the ex and her new paramour. It's not linear. There are good days and bad days. The past 24 hours or so have been very bad indeed. 

In particular, it has become absolutely clear to me that I am codependent like a motherfucker. I am always looking for "the solution" outside myself, without even knowing it consciously. My boundaries often suck. I want to be rescued, I want to be seen. I tend toward partnering so quickly. The performance of love starts to kick in-- morning texts, goodnight texts, romantic messages, etc. I can't do it. Not now. I have a new and excellent friendship with a woman that started to morph over to that performance and I snapped to it in the middle of night and felt such a strong aversion on a core, gut level. Just no. Can't do it. In spite of how fond of this person I am. And how "lonely" I am. Too bad. 

The solution has to come from within myself, and there is no solution, because there is no problem, because I am the problem. So really the solution has to amount to trusting in a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity. "Cold and hot loneliness" as Pema Chödrön calls it is the stone cold truth of my current situation and no amount of fondness for another person can alter that. My pattern is all in the overlaps and I just can't. Won't. But not a matter of will: cannot anymore. Just cannot. 

Powerless over sex, love, romance and my life is unmanageable. The step 1 experience around all of it-- total and absolute hopelessness. No hope. 

Which of course leads to step 2 naturally. Being restored to sanity in this case means taking care of the wildness of my emotional life, making friends with myself, without looking for a "solution" from the outside. Long ago, I stopped even thinking of alcohol and drugs as that outside fixer of problems. Throughout this harrowing break up and Pluto shenanigans, I have never once seriously considered drinking or drugging. 

But I have definitely longed for a romantic savior. A connection that would just ease the pain a little bit. The problem is just like with booze though: with alcohol, if I have one drink, I get the physical craving for more, and there is never enough. With romance, if I get just one flirtation or cuddly exchange or make out or whatever, I get a similar craving, and there is absolutely never enough. This puts both me and the other person at a terrible disadvantage. For one thing, up front, boundaries are bound to erode or be completely obliterated. Obviously I am not "in relationship," but rather, taking hostages and looking for oblivion from my own pain at someone else's expense. 

No more. 

Cannot.