Bill W, St. Francis, Bodhichitta and tonglen meditation

I'm at that point in When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chödrön where she starts talking about tonglen meditation as a way of awakening bodhichitta. Basically, tonglen meditation is breathing in pain, suffering, anger, attachment, darkness and alienation on the in-breath, then exhaling pleasure, wellness, love, non-attachment, light, connection, relief and whatever other opposite on the liberation side seems appropriate. Bodhichitta is basically the awakened mind that strives for empathy and compassion for all sentient beings.

So the practice is specifically designed to go against our automatic impulse, which is to get as far away from pain as possible, as well as to take in as much relief and light as possible. Instead, in a context of breathing meditation, you go toward the heart of the pain and send out as much compassion and relief as possible.

The spiritual framework reminds me again of the 4th step prayer: "This is a sick person like myself. How can I be helpful to this person? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done." It also reminds me of the general framework of step 4, which is to make direct contact with what ails us and is eating our lunch and taking up space in our emotional and spiritual landscape, then begin to find ourselves in whatever those stories are, and really make contact with our role and our reality, the way in which we are pushing our own agency out of the picture. We take in our ailments and send out the spirit of forgiveness or at least a willingness to forgive or at least a recognition that we were cause in the matter. Owning and releasing.

It also reminds me of the opening opposites of the so-called St. Francis or 11th step prayer. "God, make me a channel of thy peace, that where there is hatred I may bring love, where there is wrong I may bring the spirit of forgiveness, where there is discord I may bring harmony; error, truth; doubt, faith; where there is despair I may bring hope; shadows, light; sadness, joy." To be effective with these apparent opposites means knowing the first of each pair very intimately. Going out to encounter each one of those aspects of our experience in order to show up with something different means being present and bearing witness. While the duality might be an illusion, the fact is that it sure as fuck feels real indeed. So we might as well wade right in and find some ways to bring wellness to ourselves and others.

In the midst of having been wronged, especially, how odd it is to practice letting go of the desire for retribution, validation and acknowledgement. I'm aware of the way my mind sends out barbed and poisoned arrows toward those I feel have wronged me. Anger and resentment put me in a place of wanting justice, wanting revenge and retribution. One of the forms that takes is wishing actual harm on those who have harmed me. This is the gut level direction I tend to go-- and it is on the edge of insanity, let alone very slippery territory, as those I wish would come to harm usually have no idea I am wishing that, and when they do, they just get confirmation that I'm ill and that they are dominating me. This is the self-poisoning way we absolutely give away our power. Putting aside the desire for the suffering of others who have wronged us is one definition of forgiveness-- that can be as far as we ever get. Just not wishing people ill, shooting out those little poison darts of fantasies of suffering and pain.

Tonglen-- sending out relief and joy and wellness and liberation; breathing in misery and sorrow and sickness and imprisonment-- is a way to start letting it all go. Because otherwise we are shackled to those we feel have wronged us. It feels like we will never get any breathing room at all. In our repeated or constant search for retribution and acknowledgement, both of which will never arrive in any satisfying way, we put ourselves in a position of constant struggle. Our entire story is precarious and contingent on what happens outside of us, on what happens to other people and on what was done to us-- not only are we shackled to these sick people but we are also imprisoned by what happened, by the past, by how we suffered and how we were victimized. So this hope for retribution, validation and acknowledgement is hung up on the idea that somehow it would free us from pain, but instead it has the opposite effect. We stay stuck in misery and the people who wronged us go on their merry way, not giving a shit.

Breathing in my own misery, thereby going to meet it in person and without defense, and then breathing out freedom, wellness, peace and ease and loving kindness, also begins a process where I am not alone in my suffering. I am being kind enough to take my own suffering seriously, but then to widen the circle to include all those who have been rejected, abandoned, hurt, who feel lonely, enraged, ignored and fucked over. I begin to awaken that bodhichitta mind and realize that I am just a small part of all of the suffering that is always going on, that people are always working with in one way or another, and that I may actually be able to be a channel of whatever seems to be the opposite of whatever pain I am in. If I can even get a few glimpses of this alchemy a day, that's significant progress in emerging from the morass of misery that I could otherwise allow to imprison, poison and annihilate me, moment to moment.