A walk in beauty

It's a miracle that I have put together 13 years of continuous sobriety since April 11, 2004. I honestly believe it is a miracle in the old classic sense of being a thing that occurs contrary to nature. Because I know that it is my nature to drink. Drinking and drugging is what I do. It is my nature to suffer from a mental obsession combined with the phenomenon of craving. I cannot stay stopped on my own-- those of you who are not addicts do not know what that means, really. You think I have trouble stopping or it's difficult or I lack will power or any of a thousand other formulations that make perfect sense from the perspective of the rational mind and the world of conscious choice. But my experience was that I could not stop. Was not able to. Did not have the capacity to. That is the mental obsession. 

Then, after I would take the first drink, which I always eventually did, I could not control what would happen. I might have two more and that would be that, although I would probably be cranky. More often, I would give in to the craving and all the brakes would be off. I cannot tell you how many times I said to myself, "Tonight, you are only having two drinks, max." And at 2 a.m. I'd be into my 12th beer and 4th shot of Wild Turkey, yet again. Countless times this happened, no mater what the consequences were. That is the phenomenon of craving. Alcohol crosses my blood brain barrier and I want more. There has to be more. There is never, ever enough-- there's only oblivion. Blacking out. Passing out. 

This combination is the outward manifestation of alcoholism (and all addiction, in my opinion, although some alcoholics resist the idea that all addiction is essentially the same and hold to the idea that alcoholism is special somehow). The ground of alcoholism however is neither mental nor physical, but spiritual. It is a spiritual sickness with a spiritual reprieve. 

This doesn't sit well with a lot of people, since we are all grown up now and don't need God anymore. We've put away superstition, we've discovered the ability of our scientific thinking and our systematic insight into the material world to solve all problems, address all mysteries, cast away the fog of vague mysticism and childish belief in the invisible. 

I get that. 

I also know without a doubt that I am sober because I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. After I fully conceded to my innermost self that I was alcoholic, and came to believe that there was some power actually assisting me in the process of relieving the mental obsession to drink, I have had the opportunity to stay on the path of improving conscious contact with that power. This is how I have shown up for 13 years, one day at a time. Lately, one hour or even minute at a time, although I have had absolutely no desire to drink, in spite of how massive the changes in my life have been. 

In this context, I might be interested in trying to find words to explain what my beliefs are, someday-- but it is truly irrelevant what my beliefs are, beyond their ability to be helpful to someone else, possibly. Beliefs are forms of thought. Consequently, they reside within the tiny human world that I inhabit with my thought life. Like all thoughts, beliefs are delusional and irrelevant to reality. At first, all I had was belief that there was a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity. But living sober goes infinitely beyond that initial willingness to believe. It goes to a living experience. 

Anyway, I try not to get my mind in gear as the tool to best figure out what is or isn't. I have gradually learned, sometimes painfully, that my mind is not to be trusted. I have a lot more consciousness available to me to get to the essential rightness of reality than just my mind. The sense of the ground I stand on truly is felt much more strongly when I quiet my mind and allow myself to walk into something bigger. I don't have to figure that out, but I need that experience like air and water. 

Speaking of which, in celebration of lucky 13 years of extra life that I have been blessed with, here's a version of a closing prayer from the Navajo Blessing Way:

Walking in Beauty: Closing Prayer from the Navajo Way Blessing Ceremony
In beauty I walk
With beauty before me I walk
With beauty behind me I walk
With beauty above me I walk
With beauty around me I walk
It has become beauty again

Hózhóogo naasháa doo, Shitsijí’ hózhóogo naasháa doo, Shikéédéé hózhóogo naasháa doo, Shideigi hózhóogo naasháa doo, T’áá altso shinaagóó hózhóogo naasháa doo, Hózhó náhásdlíí’, Hózhó náhásdlíí’
Hózhó náhásdlíí’, Hózhó náhásdlíí’

Today I will walk out, today everything negative will leave me
I will be as I was before, I will have a cool breeze over my body.
I will have a light body, I will be happy forever, nothing will hinder me.
I walk with beauty before me. I walk with beauty behind me.
I walk with beauty below me. I walk with beauty above me.
I walk with beauty around me. My words will be beautiful.

In beauty all day long may I walk.
Through the returning seasons, may I walk.
On the trail marked with pollen may I walk.
With dew about my feet, may I walk.
With beauty before me may I walk.
With beauty behind me may I walk.
With beauty below me may I walk.
With beauty above me may I walk.
With beauty all around me may I walk.
In old age wandering on a trail of beauty, lively, may I walk.
In old age wandering on a trail of beauty, living again, may I walk.
My words will be beautiful…

Linguistic Note: The word “Hozho”  in  Dine’  (roughly translated) Concept of Balance and Beauty. Consideration of the nature of the universe, the world, and man, and the nature of time and space, creation, growth, motion, order, control, and the life cycle includes all these other Navajo concepts expressed in terms quite impossible to translate into English.   Some Navajos might prefer the term: “Nizhoni” meaning  ‘just beauty.”