small life, large life

One of the simultaneously supportive and lamentable aspects of couplehood seems to me to be an inevitable narrowing of life. Of course, we value being able to meet our partner with a lot of shared context and living experiences in that comfortable, historical and reliable space of just we two. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that kind of story whatsoever. The exclusive dyad provides a large life, in many cases, and being single or having multiple attachments doesn't necessarily guarantee a large life. 

However, my own journey into the dyad is marked by a progressive, inevitable narrowing. I am quite sure this is a reflection of codependent tendencies and I look forward to sorting that out. But I also see it in many other couples. The narrowing can be alarmingly acute when children, successful work life or real estate enter the picture. 

A friend of mine and I were observing recently how many apparently exclusive dyads end up with "outside" sexual or romantic dramas, triangulations, "betrayals" and so on. Of course this is probably more the norm than not. The tragic aspect o it is that people seem to take these "outside" adventures seriously enough to lead to the destruction of very fine partnerships, or worse. 

My claim for polyamory essentially centers around this enduring reality. I am not personally interested in exclusive monogamy with a single partner over a long period of time. I want the freedom to form various kinds of sexual or non-sexual relationships with others within a set of explicitly negotiated agreements, where a very few are non-negotiable and the rest are periodically revisited. I think this arrangement provides for a larger life or at least is humanely cognizant of the simple reality of our desires and connections. 

There are a great many ridiculous misconceptions about this approach and people get very heated about it, which I have compassion for, since it is so dramatically different from so many of our cultural norms. It is interesting to me that a relationship framework that actually acknowledges the norm is seen as "radical" or "unworkable." 

The partnership with A was on a poly basis with a pretty good set of agreements. I never had any real world adventures "outside," although there were some flirtations. The sad thing is that A looked back and said (in spite of her sexual involvement with two other men, one of which destroyed our partnership) that almost 6 years of partnership on a poly basis were "never what she wanted," and that she "only agreed to it because she was in love with me." Which, bullshit. I find it difficult to express how much this still chaps my hide. I have had so many imaginary conversations with her on this idiotic point. An either conscious or unconscious knowledge of how deeply fucked up this is must be one of the reasons she has completely cut me out of her life. I can't say I blame her, as my both barrels approach to expressing my outrage is not a pretty sight. 

One other funny thing about all of this is that a very few people who knew A and I were poly blamed our agreements for the end of the partnership. This is laughable, for reasons that are obvious to me. More than anything, it is a reflection of the deep ignorance about what poly actually is and how it works or fails. Next time a supposedly monogamous friend of mine goes through an explosive breakup due to "infidelity," I'll be certain to blame monogamy smugly for that outcome. 

If you are at all curious about any of this poly stuff, I highly recommend the latest edition of The Ethical Slut. 

Anyway, of course one could be living a small poly life or a large exclusive dyad life-- we are wily creatures and either destructive of our contexts in order to get what we want or fearfully entrenched in our ruts in order to feel safe, or both simultaneously, in painfully compartmentalized ways. 

If the idea that a large life is better than a small one is accepted axiomatically, the project would be to make whatever our relationship situation is as large as possible. There's a lot to do and live and savor and create in a short time. On my deathbed, if I get to have one, I doubt I will wish I had made my life s small as possible out of fear. 

Talking with friend

The past couple of days, I've been en route to a friend's apartment and then spending most free minutes talking with him. Our histories are so similar, our demons from the same hellish softball team of doom and our senses of humor so completely aligned that we fall into a space where little else can get in, which is fine by me. 

It's remarkable that this person also identifies as male, adn that we befriended each other in 1982. I have had very few male friends over the years. Last night we went on a Platonic date that involved a great dinner, a round of miniature golf and some frozen custard. It was more fun than a date, though, because neither one of us was wondering "what would happen." It reminded me again that I would enjoy just doing things with people and *never* worrying about "what is going to happen." The option had never presented itself in regard to women. 

The other bizarre dimension of all this is that we were hanging out in my old childhood vacation grounds of Long Beach Island, so the intersection of the present and past was eerie. 

If you're ever on Long Beach Island, go here and get a frozen custard chocolate vanilla twist with a chocolate dip. You're welcome. 

It's especially a good thing to do after a round of mini golf at Island Golf. 

Defense Against the Dark Magicians

forming a reliable relationship with myself
practicing mindfulness meditation
discussing my thoughts, plans and feelings with trusted others
observing, describing and participating 
not filling in the blank
putting aside the wrongs others have done entirely and looking for my own part.

That's the start I have made so far on moving away from victimhood toward vulnerability and liberation. 

I think the final stages of this process involve larger realizations that may actually be useful in future situations. I'm especially interested in cultivating a level of detachment where I can honestly refrain from taking things personally. Friends outside of a situation often say "It's not about you-- they are just going through what they need to go through." Even when it is about me, it's not about me-- that is, even when other people are behaving in ways that are intentionally malicious toward me, it is still possible to decide not to be on the hook for it.

“Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up….” Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

So there is the development of a kind of magic power in remembering this shift, in moving away from getting hooked all the time by the illnesses of other people. 

When I reflect on times when it has been easier for me not to take things personally, I realize those were times when I was engaged in a life that felt purposeful,creative, substantial and busy, but not in the distracted sense of busy.I guess the word people use is "full." 

In Al Anon, sometimes people say "Get off of their backs, get out of their way, and get on with your life." That is one of the approaches to being more immune to perceived slights and injuries. If I repeatedly redirect my attention to my own activities,my own circle of influence and my own work in the world, getting hooked and hurt happens less often, doesn't go as deep, and wears off more quickly. 

It's one of the behavioral re-directions I have been practicing. I might begin to remember something with a big rusty hook and a lot of potential hurt that A said or did at the end of our partnership, but have been redirecting my attention to what needs to be done for the PhD, who I could help in AA, who might be around to talk with or do something with, how I could learn more or create more myself, play the drums, work out, organize my photos, finish other projects, etc. 

These feel like ways to turn dark magic to a purpose. It may even be that my emotional turmoil isn't moderated by these re-directions, at least not at first. But acting in spite of the emotional turmoil in ways that go toward myself and the present rather than toward A and some searing memory of the past eventually always has a transforming effect.   

Post 101: Of the Realness

The 101st post on Katabasis Central! It's been a wild and awful and awe inspiring trip, since post 1, published on Monday, March 6, 5 days after I moved all of my shit out of the house I shared (or was a guest at, in a lot of ways) with my ex, put it all in storage and took off for a surreal road trip to Albuquerque and Santa Fe. The partnership shitstorm happily coincided with spring break, and it was great getting out of town for a while and connecting with beautiful people, etc.

(The side comment about being a guest in my own house will probably generate some future posts, because it has been a pattern since...age 10?)

The State of the Blog:

Who knows? I do notice that I have tended to censor myself lately. So it's good to reflect on that. 

I am fucking enraged and hurt, still, over the events that unfolded a few months ago. In particular, in spite of my strong desire that this not be the case, the utter classlessness, passive aggressive cruelty and manipulative weirdness of A's couple's selfie on FB (she knows me and my extensive FB life and the dozens of friends we have in common-- she knew I would see it-- people have said "don't take it personally," but fuck that, it IS fucking personal), for example, still gets to me (obviously). Smug, lacking in compassion, cold, narcissistic, childishly "rebellious" and creepy. The kind of thing only a dedicated asshole would do. (And then, of course, it occurs to me that I invested in the shitty low value stock of a dedicated asshole for almost 6 years, and that's a pleasant set of realizations as well).

Other things I have refrained from writing about: my continuing struggles with mood, my severe and sometimes crippling or completely paralyzing doubts about my PhD projects, my anxieties about financial insecurity, my feelings of resentment toward various people who are *not* A or her new fuckboy, etc. 

Even on an anonymous blog, I am inclined to try to keep my look good. To post about emotional sobriety, tools for getting off the victim vertex, all of this deep spiritual and psychological wisdom and so on. It's okay, since a lot of that is also happening simultaneously, but really, honestly, I am just as much a fucking mess now as I was March 1st. Both are true-- but the look good is much better served by avoiding talking about the darker stuff. 

This goes right along the lines of the tendency I have had in the past of lying to my therapists. Being dishonest about what is really going on with me *on an anonymous blog* is perfect somehow. Just as much as all of the liberating spiritual work, or really a key part of the whole process, is just cutting the bullshit and getting as real as possible. 

One of my musical heroes, Cecil Taylor, recently had a horrible thing happen where he won the $500,000 Kyoto Prize, but a guy he had hired to do repairs on his home stole all of the money. This is a hilarious account of a press conference with Taylor that is 100% accurate. 

But something that caught me off guard was when someone asked Taylor what he wished for the man who stole his prize money and Taylor's one word response was "Die." I think of the spiritual and creative life as one of progressively finding ways to become better, to let go of attachments, to forgive and move on, to be liberated. But a big part of that "positive thinking" is a fucking trap that just plays right into my old Presbyterian "Nice Guy" upbringing. In fact, the ugliness and directness of just wanting people who have fucked with me to suffer is also who I am, as raw and human and real as that is. Taylor, typically, didn't pull any of the sort of idealistic Coltrane love and light "spiritual" rhetoric. What do you want for someone who ripped you off? Die.

Simple. 

I have a friend in AA who, almost every time he sees me, he asks "How are you?" and if I answer "I'm good!" or "I'm fine!" and so on, he says "You're full of shit. You're not fine. What's the real deal?" I know if I am avoiding him there's something I'm carrying that I don't want to tell anyone. 

My motto: "I'll figure it out myself and fix it. Meanwhile I will pretend I already have it figured out. Have to keep my look good!"

Fuck that.

Much more effective than spinning my intellectual wheels and coming up with cute formulae for growth and healing along self-help lines: an honest, regular check in on what my authentic emotional life is. While of course I have experienced more equanimity, peace, clarity, even moments of forgiveness and happiness, the simple truth is that an honest, direct assessment is much more raw. 

Anger, resentment, bitterness, retributive fantasies, ill will, outrage, disbelief, rationalization, evil dark spellcasting, hopes for eventual schadenfreude, sadness, sorrow, remorse, guilt-- this is what is on the menu much of time. 

That's just the way it is, at Post 101. 

the line between compromise and self-negation

A friend of mine who just went through a divorce after many years of marriage and I were comparing notes on things we have done since we have been single that we would never have done with our partners. My friend, for example, bought a bunch of clothes she liked but that her ex husband would not have approved of. I think certain adjustments we make when partnered are normal and easier-- especially if we ourselves don't really care that much about something our partner has intense feelings about. I made many adjustments in the best interest of my ex's son also, in an attempt to model good things for him. 

But there's a weird line we cross sometimes (or often, if you are codependent like me) where the things we give up or limit or whatever are actually important to us. The only way I have been able to realize where that line is has been to be single again and look back. I lack the ability to make honest assessments of the difference between minor and major concessions when I am in a partnership.

It's interesting to look back and realize that most of my partners have had some serious rules and limitations around food. The majority of them have been vegetarian, but have also had other values around diet, health, etc. While I admire that and often have similar tendencies, I am also a food hedonist in a lot of ways and have been with several people who seem to have trouble having a guilt free dining experience at a restaurant, for example. 

I am somewhat undisciplined with money and most of my partners have been frugal and more interested in managing money wisely. 

I don't naturally include regular housework in my weekly schedule, but most of my partners have valued it. 

I listen to music very loudly sometimes to get that full physical experience and most partners have not really wanted to do that. I also have tastes that run to music that is aesthetically challenging for a lot of people, and I always end up partitioning a lot of that music off and not listening to it when a partner is around. 

I intentionally arrange my life around the academic year so I have plenty of time to travel and many partners have not done that, which means that I have gone on a lot of solo trips. 

There's probably a lot more, but these are some areas that I end up limiting, compartmentalizing, eliminating altogether. It's probably a valuable area to consider as I go toward that first idea that would contribute to getting off the victim vertex-- forming a relationship with myself. I imagine some non-negotiables will arise that, in the past, I have been all too quick to compromise on. 

Motivated to age well

My parents are in their mid 80s. Neither one of them has taken particularly good care of themselves for the past 20 to 30 years, or really, at any time. I mean, they both avoided the ravages of alcoholism and addiction, gluttony, bitterness, serious mental illness, serious physical ailments, injury, accident or even catastrophic loss. Our family so far has been blessed to have few surprising tragedies. The parents will celebrate their 64th wedding anniversary this month. 

But there are a lot of realities for them that I don't want for myself, if I can manage to avoid these things. They just moved last November out of the house where they had lived for 50 years, for example. There's no chance that I will ever become that rooted in one place, and I'm glad for that. I appreciate the downsizing, re-evaluation and fleetness that comes from moving a lot and having a small footprint. My recent project of digitizing 300 records and selling five boxes of those and getting rid of 3 boxes of books has been salutary along these lines. 

I want to be in excellent physical condition until I drop over. I think what this will take will be dietary refinements, yoga and continued exercise. I don't smoke and I don't drink or use drugs, so I might be around for a long time. If that's the case, I want to find out how to avoid chronic pain, illness, stiffness, lack of mobility, etc.

I also want to be in excellent mental health. It seems that my parents' biggest challenges now, in spite of their frail physical condition, center on their mental and emotional resilience. They have become acutely isolated, for example, and this makes me grateful for the AA community, since, if I want to stay sober, I will have to stay connected there no matter how old I am. Neither one of my parents has ever had much of a creative, productive art-like hobby or activity, and I will always want to be able to play music, grow plants-- something like that. Maybe even something entirely new. 

They are both relatively happy, considering, and maintain a positive outlook, which is great. They are doing their old age the way they want to, in many ways. But there are a lot of things I want to do differently, if I get the chance. The simple fact is that time moves very quickly. The way of life that will make it more likely to have a good old age has to start now. I'm already into a lot of it-- better diet, exercise (I'm in better shape than I was in my 30s and 40s), staying interested and mentally active (PhD program in my mid 50s?), gaining more effective emotional skills, etc. 

Of course, I could get hit by a train tomorrow. That would be hilarious. 

Circles, spirals, jumbles

Of course, the process of moving from feeling victimized while adopting the self righteous "I'm blameless" attitude toward simply being vulnerable and taking responsibility is not linear and has little to do with insight, a lot of the time. 

You practice the skills, and you take your chances. It's still true that, in the middle of the night or any time during the day that there's a reminder, or any time at all, randomly, you can be thrown back into what feels like the exact same mire you were in months previously. Or an even worse storm of pain. 

whatever. It's not going to happen on your time. And the feeling of being wronged and being caught in the pain of that experience might get worse before it gets better, no matter what you do. This is just the way it works. 

It's maddening to have the expectation that progress toward liberation from the feeling of having been victimized will be in a tidy straight line from imprisoned to free. 

The only thing we can do sometimes is keep showing up. In fact, passages occur where all of the skills and insight seem utterly ineffectual and as if it is all just a distraction to keep us occupied while time passes and we forget.

They also heal who only stand and wait.  

Independence

I didn't even remember that today was the 4th of July until I saw the woman who works the front desk at this motel in the hallway-- and she was dressed as Uncle Sam. "Happy 4th!" she said cheerfully as I gathered a starchy, flavorless "free" breakfast. 

With the current state of things, I don't think I need to belabor the truth that I do not feel very celebratory. 

SO- here's another set of possible remedies for getting impaled on that pointy victim vertex of Ye Olde Karpman Triangle--

So far I've thought of

forming a reliable relationship with myself
practicing mindfulness meditation
discussing my thoughts, plans and feelings with trusted others
observing, describing and participating 
not filling in the blank

All of these approaches can also be seen as paving the way for the very difficult turn that a "searching and fearless moral inventory" calls for. That is-- putting aside the wrongs others have done entirely and looking for our own part. I wrote about this a while back. 

Excellent question. Are you single?

Of course, if I'm hurting, raw, beating myself up and generally feeling like dog shit on the sole of the universe's running shoes, I'm not going to take too kindly to the suggestion that it would help me to forget about what was done to me and just look at my own stuff. It takes time, patience, healing, redeveloping a healthy ego structure and sense of identity and a lot of trust to finally get even close to making this turn. It's wisest to start from a place of radical validation. 

I recall a couple's counselor I went to once as a marriage I was in was completely falling apart and I was just bewildered and heartbroken and angry. The counselor sat across from us and bellowed: "YOU ARE CAUSE IN THE MATTER." And I was like, okay-- where's the goddamned exit?

Of course it's true. But let's admit also that the truth requires a safe and trusted space in which to be heard, much of the time. 

So- maybe with enough practice at having a loving stance toward myself, practicing meditation, talking with trusted others, learning to use the skills of observing and describing, I can finally begin to move off of that key phrase, "I'm blameless," to taking responsibility for my own part. This is anti-victim work. It is the opposite of the victim inclination altogether. 

I honestly cannot do it without the help of an AA sponsor and a spiritual life. It's unmanageable by me on my own power. Even with all of the tools at my disposal it is such an ego deflating proposition that it has to be done piecemeal, much of the time. I recall that the "positive" opposite of the victim role is the vulnerable role. What could be more vulnerable than taking an honest look at how we created a situation that hurt us?  

There's always someone at a 12 step meeting ready to ask you: "How free do you want to be?" 

A great question on independence day. 

Observe and Describe: On Not Filling in the Blank

My awareness of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is entirely vicarious, via people I love who have benefited from it in life saving ways. Although I don't match many of the criteria very strongly for Borderline Personality Disorder, either by the older checklist or the newer one, I have found even a passing familiarity with the skills training in DBT to be helpful.

In particular, since I am very quick to judge, to be reactive, to categorize as good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant, welcome or unwelcome, as well as to take action impulsively as an automatic response to those judgments, I find it helpful to practice simply observing and then simply describing. Here is an excellent outline of these two skills, with a greater level of detail than I will go into in this post.  (At least, I think it's excellent-- if anyone who has actually done DBT disagrees, please comment accordingly).

Oooooh, look! A conceptual model!

When my partner at the time, about 10 years ago, first explained these mindfulness skills, they were a revelation. It had never even occurred to me that I didn't have to judge what was happening around me or categorize my thoughts and feelings as "good" or "bad". Not having any other real mindfulness training, such as meditation, I hadn't ever cultivated much of a sense of equanimity or spaciousness in my thought life, and much of the time, if someone asked me what I was feeling, I would just be flummoxed. 

Much of the energy I got from drinking and drugging arose from a quieting of my judging and reactive, chattering mind and a liberation of my ability to be with what was happening and participate un-self-consciously. Music, either listening or playing, often served that purpose, as did the blissful oxytocin rush of sexual and romantic connection with someone. Of course it gradually becomes problematic if one's only access to ease, comfort, peace, the flow of events as they are and a fundamental acceptance of what is happening is via a ripoff chemical like ethanol or even oxytocin. Especially since the action of both chemicals on me is such that, once I have some in my blood, there is never enough. The mental obsession for the first drink or the first infatuation combined with the craving for more once I did drink or crush guaranteed that my solution was eventually going to be catastrophic. 

At any rate, it occurred to me somewhere along this literal trip I am on in my rental car, driving across this weird country, that another set of skills that are useful in getting off the victim vertex of the drama triangle would be observing and describing. Cultivating this kind of non-categorizing mindfulness helps in not taking the behavior, decisions and choices of others personally. 

Forming a relationship with myself that was trustworthy, practicing meditation and discussing what I am feeling and thinking with others sound like helpful ways to start moving on from the central mantra of the victim, which is "I'm blameless." I posted some perspectives on that yesterday. It seems the practice of the skills of observing and describing arises naturally out of that self relationship, meditation and the vulnerability of discussion with other people. 

As we headed toward steps 8 and 9, my first AA sponsor wrote this on a piece of paper and handed it to me:

"I AM __________________."

And he said, "Make a list of everything that pops into your head to fill in that blank."

So I made a pretty long list, lots of different ways to fill in that blank, some "good," some "bad," some functional roles, some aspects I thought of as core identity items, etc. You could try it right now if you wanted, before you read on. 

He and I were sitting on a bench outside a meeting room, where the smokers normally congregated, but it was long after a meeting. He asked me to read him the list I had written down. Then he took the piece of paper and said "Okay, so how do you feel about this?" and he lit it on fire and dropped it into the ashtray. I couldn't help laughing, since he was always pulling inscrutable stunts like this that seemed to me to have absolutely nothing to do with AA, sobriety or the Big Book. As I watched the paper burn and turn into ashes I told him I felt sad about it, like my self was ephemeral, transient, everything I valued or thought about myself was meaningless. He smiled that Zen smile of his that always made me want to smack him and said "Now you're getting the idea. This is basically what steps 6 and 7 are about, and really, all the step work. Letting go completely of all the stories. Putting it all down and then setting fire to it and saying goodbye to the ashes." I thought about that for a second and said, "Damn, I am not entirely sure I want to do that." He replied, "No worries, you don't have to. But here's something you can practice until next week when we get together again. Practice not filling in the blank. Practice just staying with 'I am,' without putting anything after that."

Again, I honestly had no idea what the fuck this had to do with not taking the first drink, and it is only occasionally and after a little more than 13 years (13 years, 2 months and 22 days and a few hours and change, to be exact) that I have more of a clue what he was trying to tell me. It's funny that he had me practicing "until next week," when of course something so fundamental is a life practice, one way of looking at the core of spiritual growth. 

But then I look back at that defensive, warding, wounding, isolating key phrase of the victim in Karpman's schema: "I am blameless." 

What a self-destructive way to fill in the blank. 

Victim Vertex meditations, part 2

On the way to Van Horn TX on day one of this little epic, I was reflecting on various strategies, behaviors, redirections and perspectives to help myself move from the victim vertex of the Karpman drama triangle (keywords: "I'm blameless") to the vulnerable vertex of the "Winner's Triangle," (god I hate that)-- where getting to the vulnerable vertex has to do with problem solving, options, consequences. Basically, the idea is that one transforms the central idea of being a victim ("I'm blameless") into a realistic and more empowered perspective. 

VS.












Isn't that graphic cute? I am well on my way to writing a best selling self help book, with graphics like that. 

Anyway, it seems to take a lot of energy to hold on to being blameless, since it isn't possible to keep that position without also blaming others. There's a profound self defense involved there that powerfully blocks the bigger picture. I was talking with a friend yesterday who is having serious difficulties in her marriage and she was bemoaning how all of the outside observers judge and criticize the person who wants to end a marriage or partnership. "Isn't it like slavery if you just try to stay in it, even if you are unhappy?" And I saw from an outsider's perspective A's choices-- I assume she ended the partnership with me because she was unhappy and wanted to take a chance on happiness. Since I was completely capable of supporting my friend-- "Yeah, even in the face of a commitment, people need to be free to find their own path to their own happiness and others have no right to judge"-- it suddenly occurred to me that (in theory) it ought to be possible for me to reach acceptance of the decisions A made. 

Our emotional anosognosia is corrected by conversations with others, at least in part. 

Reflecting more on this, it occurs to me that a central reason why we might be able to support a friend in behavior that we feel victimized by when it comes from a partner is that we do not take the behavior of our friend personally. The central pain of my victimhood regarding the end of the partnership is a maelstrom of personal feelings of hurt, ruin, rejection, abandonment, etc. I imagine some weird far shore of equanimity where I am able to not take being broken up with personally. 

If it's not about me, though, then I don't need to defend myself. Theoretically, I could take off the armor and start moving toward responsibility, empowerment, problem solving, etc. 

Sounds like relief

All well and good. But some of this gets to what I distrust about self help stuff-- helpful insights, clarity, resonant ideas that make perfect sense-- but no lasting, fundamental behavioral change. Maybe it's just me, but I can easily think that I have a solution to ineffective ways of doing things as soon as I assent in my mind to the reasonableness of the larger perspective. And yet, sometimes abjectly, I am entirely stuck in the mire of unconscious patterns and bound to repeat them again and again, in my actual real world non-intellectual blood and guts behavior. 

One of the unlikely but true aspects of Alcoholics Anonymous is that, in the early days and perhaps still in areas of the world where there are no meetings, people got sober entirely from reading the Big Book. I think this was possible because, while the text definitely outlines the situation clearly for the mind and lays out in very reasonable terms the problem and the solution, it shifts to a chapter called Into Action. The program of recovery goes far beyond knowledge and insight into actions one must take in order to live happily sober. Most self help books of the insightful kind stay almost entirely in the realm of the "aha! how true!" and ask nothing of the reader in the way of behavioral change. 

Here's another million selling graphic:

It's such a simple idea. But I am so easily convinced that, if I just change my perspectives and my thinking, my life will change. In some ways, of course, this is true. But it is only partial and can even be a dangerous delusion, in my opinion. And I admit to some laziness in this, because I find it very easy to "change my thinking" or to "have a realization," but I find it very challenging to "change my behavior" and "make different choices and stick to them."

So, as annoying as the 12 step people can be when they suggest "shallow" behavioral approaches to potentially fatal delusional behavior, they are often right. Paraphrasing the Big Book, be quick to see where behavioral psychologists are right. 

Back to the core wound of the victim: taking the words, behavior and choices of others personally. What actions could I take to ameliorate this tendency? To get a larger perspective that honestly assesses what is about me and what is only about the other person? And when it is about me, accepting it anyway and moving on? Using it as a path toward lasting change? Chalking it up to something other than being loathsome and worthy of abandonment? 

A whole series of actions seem to promise at least some reduction in that personally affronted, searing, wounded feeling. I'll start with the first three that come into my mind.

1. Forming a reliable, realistic and trustworthy relationship with oneself. This probably involves a commitment to being alone long enough to make it real. Not with the goal of "becoming ready" or "becoming perfect" so that one can finally be in a "healthy relationship," but with the goal of simply having a solid place to stand. I have always felt that, when a partner ends things or when I end things, entire energies of my core identity also end. It's a killing feeling. I imagine it would be more enjoyable all around if I had a solid core of reliable and trustworthy connection with life and with myself that was not so seriously shaken by partnership, either good or bad. 

2. Daily silent meditation practice. I have been meditating most days for 10 minutes since last July, and have found that it is a reliable and fairly realistic, doable way to get a bigger sense of things. A larger perspective. A daily contact with the essential core feeling that everything is okay. I've been centered down from some extravagant delusions and a false sense of urgency many times through this practice. For me, to really get on a cellular level that everything is exactly as it should be and that all is well is a miracle. 

3. Discussing everything that is going on honestly with trusted others, either professional or not. I was headed toward an unconscious repeat of a self-destructive set of behaviors recently and simply saying out loud to my counselor what I was doing and what I was thinking of doing broke through my delusional re-enactment inclinations completely. It was crystal clear to me that it would not serve me at all to act out of those inclinations, and I was actually able to refrain from doing so. In the step 10 part of the Big Book, one of the key actions one is supposed to take in response to selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear is to "discuss with someone immediately." A huge behavioral change for me, since my usual strategy is to "figure it out" and then go ahead and do whatever my impulses are telling me to do anyway. It takes a definite vulnerability for me to just tell people what I am thinking of doing and to have that possibility of starkly seeing how self destructive it could be. 

So- deciding to be alone, meditation, discussion. 

A few actual behavioral changes. 

Simple, right?