Independence

I didn't even remember that today was the 4th of July until I saw the woman who works the front desk at this motel in the hallway-- and she was dressed as Uncle Sam. "Happy 4th!" she said cheerfully as I gathered a starchy, flavorless "free" breakfast. 

With the current state of things, I don't think I need to belabor the truth that I do not feel very celebratory. 

SO- here's another set of possible remedies for getting impaled on that pointy victim vertex of Ye Olde Karpman Triangle--

So far I've thought of

forming a reliable relationship with myself
practicing mindfulness meditation
discussing my thoughts, plans and feelings with trusted others
observing, describing and participating 
not filling in the blank

All of these approaches can also be seen as paving the way for the very difficult turn that a "searching and fearless moral inventory" calls for. That is-- putting aside the wrongs others have done entirely and looking for our own part. I wrote about this a while back. 

Excellent question. Are you single?

Of course, if I'm hurting, raw, beating myself up and generally feeling like dog shit on the sole of the universe's running shoes, I'm not going to take too kindly to the suggestion that it would help me to forget about what was done to me and just look at my own stuff. It takes time, patience, healing, redeveloping a healthy ego structure and sense of identity and a lot of trust to finally get even close to making this turn. It's wisest to start from a place of radical validation. 

I recall a couple's counselor I went to once as a marriage I was in was completely falling apart and I was just bewildered and heartbroken and angry. The counselor sat across from us and bellowed: "YOU ARE CAUSE IN THE MATTER." And I was like, okay-- where's the goddamned exit?

Of course it's true. But let's admit also that the truth requires a safe and trusted space in which to be heard, much of the time. 

So- maybe with enough practice at having a loving stance toward myself, practicing meditation, talking with trusted others, learning to use the skills of observing and describing, I can finally begin to move off of that key phrase, "I'm blameless," to taking responsibility for my own part. This is anti-victim work. It is the opposite of the victim inclination altogether. 

I honestly cannot do it without the help of an AA sponsor and a spiritual life. It's unmanageable by me on my own power. Even with all of the tools at my disposal it is such an ego deflating proposition that it has to be done piecemeal, much of the time. I recall that the "positive" opposite of the victim role is the vulnerable role. What could be more vulnerable than taking an honest look at how we created a situation that hurt us?  

There's always someone at a 12 step meeting ready to ask you: "How free do you want to be?" 

A great question on independence day.