Stochastic spoons

The white hot flame of burning magnesium, combining with oxygen to form magnesium oxide

Jung wrote: “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” This quotation has meant a lot to me over the past 25 years or so, and it occurs to me every now and then. Now that I'm teaching chemistry, it's possible to pursue the analogy in great depth, in a wide variety of detailed ways. 

A wondrous Mexican figurine given to me by my former stepson when he was 7

There's not much going on in my hermit cave, so there's sometimes a lot of presence from the past, or ways that I have been transformed by others, manifesting in all of this space. I had a weird dream last night where I was completely unprepared to teach today and ended up trying to teach out of a highly technical textbook, improvising and faking, pretending I knew a lot more than I actually did, and I sensed throughout the dream that the students knew full well that I was bullshitting. These teaching anxiety dreams are odd, and I have them often during the school year. 

My old cat Anya looking cute, demonstrating the wonders of evolution

The basic fact is that peace is not a frequent experience these days. The past is too much with me? Yeah man. It's diffuse, a lot of the time, and includes all kinds of odd memories. The shame of motives late revealed. Cringe-worthy things I said or did. TS Eliot's outline of what old age is like settles in as a lot more realistic and less bitter and cynical than I used to think it was, when I was younger. Yeats comes to mind too, with his Among Schoolchildren. For the first time in my life, I am having experiences where I actually feel old. I have not felt old until now. It's very odd. Unexpected. "You're only as old as you feel!" Well, great. 

The big sage desert in Nevada along highway 50, "The Loneliest Road," a couple summers ago

I guess some would say, well, you are 59 buddy. You feel old because you are old. Welcome to reality. But it's interesting for a couple of experiences that are novel for me. For example, I am feeling age in my body a lot more. I am feeling some limitations I did not have before, or of which I was unaware. I am feeling mentally exhausted. I think the mental fuzziness has as much to do with being overwhelmed and stressed out as anything, of course, and the weird demands of the new job, and the pandemic, and the auditory distractions of living in LA. And. 

boo cat

This season is also the leading edge of a stretch from Halloween to New Year's that really has felt like it might just demolish me, the past two years or so. Two years ago, it roughly coincides with the detached retina and the diagnosis of prostate cancer, so there's that. It's time for me to get another biopsy on ye olde prostate, but how in hell am I supposed to schedule that exactly? Seems almost impossible. Can I get an evening drive-through biopsy at the drive through urologist? Probably not. 

An actual painting of what my life was like when I was getting the PhD

Anyway, I think there's two other priorities along with the biopsy. One is to get started on preparing my teeth for old age, so to speak. Back in 2011, I got an estimate on a bunch of work that could be done, and now I have dental insurance, so I should be in that damned chair for hours this year. I also need to get my dysfunctional butt into counseling therapy. Geez. These would all just be swell ways to take charge of my self care. However, the state of mind I am in is such that simply walking a block away from my apartment to get a fucking haircut feels altogether too daunting. None of the spoons needed to take care of all of the reasons I have no spoons. 

Spoonless in LA.