the experience of a CoDA meeting

Bah, I say to myself, I don't need this CoDA shit. I have a solid program of recovery in AA, after all. 13 goddamned years sober have to amount to something! Work the steps, go to meetings, get a sponsor, sponsor guys, pray and meditate. I got this. Besides, yeah, alcoholics are crazy, but these codependent people are fucking BATSHIT. I'm probably not codependent anyway, just wrecked by the breakup-- that's totally normal!! I'm really just a very loving person-- That's what it is!! 

But somehow I get myself to a CoDA meeting anyway. 

And every single goddamned thing every person says there, whether reading from the lit or sharing their experience, floors me, as if I myself am speaking-- but without resistance or denial. 

And whether I like it or not, I belong 100%-- the puzzle piece fits right in. 

Makes me relieved. And angry af. Is there no end to the work I have to do to be "happily and usefully whole," as Bill W describes it in the intro to the 12 and 12? WHEN WILL THIS END. Can't I just BE. 

An interesting idea-- just being. Not having to work on anything, or recover from anything. Not having to grow, or change, or learn anything else about myself or the harmful ways I have learned to be in the world. To just sit absolutely still, and get covered with spider webs and mold, and die. Nice. 

Anyway, the most recent paradox is accepting Cheri Huber's basic formulation that there is nothing wrong with me, yet being in recovery. There is nothing wrong with me, but I need to be in recovery every day as a way of life. Both are true. HOW CAN THIS BE. 

No idea.

Check this out if you want to know how I relate with other people. It's like my honest Tinder profile.