Being socially antisocial

In the odd and still surreal aftermath of the breakup, I have been experimenting a little bit with non-attached social experiences with women-- dating, I guess people call it. I've been on a few dates in the past few weeks. I am by no means "ready" to get into anything complicated, but of course, shit is complicated for me, just by nature. I got myself a wildly elaborate complicator. 

Posted this on FB yesterday and today:

"I have no idea how to date. You know, how to go on a date. Or what is dating? Or how to date, basically. No idea."

"figured out that what I meant was more specifically how to move from the dating part of the date to the possibly more intimate part of the date. Most of what I have experienced has been when the indications are absolutely crystal clear-- either yes of course or no absolutely not. But it's the grey area with a person where maybe both of us are not going to make a move that seems hilarious to me. And then I think it's about "what to say." Because I put a lot of value on words. I guess if it's a struggle or strategy over what to say, maybe things are just not clicking? Like- what DO you say? I love the old movies where the woman says "Kiss me, you fool!" (and it always made me picture a cut to a guy in a full jester's outfit grinning like a maniac). "Do you want to come back to my place and check out my collection of aesthetically challenging but existentially exhilarating free jazz recordings of the '60s as an obvious but awkward prelude to some anxious probably mostly clothed writhing around?" "I like your face and want it nearer to my face." "Hey so uh I was kind of wondering if well we were going to you know maybe osculate or if you think I'm gross?" "Listen up, what the fuck are we doing? Are we ever going to mack or what? Damn." "I am very shy. This is incredibly awkward. DO ME.""

It's led to some interesting conversation on FB and some important reflections of my own. 

For example, there's some kind of fundamentally inculcated ground/context wherein making out and sex are bad. It's so weird to realize the plain fact that the old anti-sexual conditioning is still way down in there somewhere, after all this time. I guess it is a good place to start unpacking, at the very bottom. I have no idea how pwerfully it still operates or colors my proceedings, but I must admit that it is indeed still present. 

Also becoming more apparent is a whole assortment of other fundamental assumptions. Seduction is bad. Desire is bad. Me wanting someone who is not interested is fatally humiliating and the rejection will kill me. If I am not wanted I am a fundamentally flawed piece of garbage. Etc. Is it any wonder that, with all of these toxic stories running (and there are a lot more), relationships have been fraught? 

It seems like the old stories run less and less powerfully as I get older, which is cool. And certainly, for me, being sober is huge. So many fewer nightmarish and bizarre things occur in my life in the midst of continuing sobriety. Of course, the sexual connection with women is itself intoxicating. I am in a close connection with another sex and love addict and she and I are having an interesting time examining how our addictions are unfolding in the ways we are communicating with each other. It's kind of hilarious, but I'm getting a lot out of it. 

The breakup was so catastrophically leveling of all of my look good and my usual ways of habitually operating that it has opened up entire sets and settings that have been well hidden for decades. So on this level I am glad for that-- as excruciating as it has been.