Some supposedly sane things I have actually never done

-Gotten to know several different women in a dating sort of way without falling in love or moving in with one of them

-Been physically connected in a relaxed, enjoyable and no pressure context without falling in love or moving in

-Been emotionally connected but maintaining a strong sense of my own boundaries and experience

-Gotten attached to a woman but maintained my own space and held my own ground in a truly independent way

-Taken seriously the ramifications of agreeing to a partnership with a woman, as opposed to being with someone but not going toward a partnership agreement

-Been single for longer than about 18 months since I was 16

-Been able to recognize clearly and without equivocation when someone is using me until it is so glaringly obvious that I feel like a 100% sucker

-Been presented with the dilemma of maintaining my course in life or abandoning it in order to move so I can stay with someone and chosen to stay my own course

-Been unhappy in a relationship, acknowledged that, and insisted on the two of us getting to the heart of the problem and either reconnecting or moving on

-Chosen my highest interest over the requirements of a relationship

-Kept relationship in perspective as a valuable part of my life rather than the singular focus of my life

There are probably more of these, but they all revolve around what one could conveniently call "codependency issues." I had a spectacular dinner with a former student of mine who now has a lot of life experience, at a hip place in Pasadena and she counseled me-- "You go with your heart too much. It's great to be romantic and able to feel deeply and all that-- but when you are headed toward a partnership with someone, you have to think of it like a job interview." I am so taken aback by this approach. But, in spite of the enormous pressures of her life in the advertising biz and so on, she has stayed married to her partner for years-- I asked her how. "He's my opposite in many ways. Stable, level headed, cautious and calm. He keeps my feet on the ground. The passion comes and goes but when you are going to combine your life with someone else's, they have to be good for you. They have to fit the job description."

My usual MO in regard to these things is- meet someone through work or an existing social situation (not dating, which I have only done maybe 3 times in my life). Fall in love. Become partners. Share living space, commit emotional suicide. I don't even really think about the other person's actual qualities very much. I don't have a critical cell in my body when I fall in love, which is odd, since every cell in my body is critical when I am not in love. I wave all the red flags away. I imagine I am able to accept a lot that I may well not be able to accept, actually. These self-abrogating tendencies are also combined with an enduring desire to be the White Knight and various other pathologies, many typical of the disease of alcoholism and all intertwined.

It's no wonder I have repeatedly gotten myself into partnerships that didn't last, were unsustainable or soul killing in some way. Sometimes the other person has been a willing accomplice in all of the screwy blindness and glomming, sometimes not. I do act the part of being emotionally healthy and independent very well. I seem to be a lot of things that I am not.

There are perhaps 8 or 9 crucial turning points in my life where I was saying NO internally but said YES out loud. I'm sure a big part of changing these entangling, toxic and self-abrogating behaviors is, quite simply, learning how to say no. Learning to honor saying no as an essential aspect of being a person with integrity.

For example, as A's relationship with her new person unfolded, after I had indicated to her that I felt unsafe and threatened by him and didn't trust him, and yet she continued on her way with it-- instead of waiting for her to pull the plug, after four months-- what would it have been like for me to recognize that I, myself, could not agree to what was happening? What would it have been like if I had taken the decisive step and ended our partnership and extricated myself? Released on my own recognizance, so to speak. I had every reason to do so-- miserable and lonely as I was. Or evenm, in a middle ground way, actually acknowledged that things were rapidly becoming awful and insisted on the two of us reconnecting and getting some kind of outside help?

Although of course this is all fantastical hindsight, it is probably also highly instructive.

So there's a tiny bit of a relationship inventory 5th step for all my dedicated readers. There's a lot more detail in exactly how I am harmed and how I cause harm through all of this. But it's a good start.

It's really along the lines of the old dumb joke:

"Doc, it hurts when I do this!"

"Well, don't do that."