Lame Communication

I was hanging out with an old friend of mine in Pasadena and had just finished giving him the thumbnail sketch of the events leading up to March. I glanced at my phone and noticed I had a text from A. Which, at first, didn't seem unusual, because of course we used to text each other all the time. But then of course I remembered, and was startled. No communication initiated from her side since the end of February and there, in June, was a text.

I had sent her son E a birthday card back in May, and she texted:

"Hi, E says: 'I love you P, and I also love the dancing/singing ice cream cone that you sent me. It's hilarious and I also love the letter. From E.'

Thanks for thinking of him! E just returned from a long vacation with his dad (Hawaii trip), so he just got his card tonight.

I hope you are well in all ways."

This text has been pissing me off since I first read it, for a variety of reasons. First of all, I know that E likes to write his own thank you notes and actually mail them. A has my temporary mailing address and that could have been arranged. That way, she would not have been the intermediary. I resent that I spent nearly 5 years helping to care for and father her son and I get a text from her relaying that he liked his birthday card. I also resent the "Thanks for thinking of him!", as if I have not been, as if I haven't been missing him since March 1. Finally, "I hope you are well in all ways" fucking pisses me off, because a). I am not well in all ways and b). way to wash your hands of that fact. No invitation for any communication, no open door at all, let alone a simple acknowledgement that things were handled like shit-- disrespectfully, dismissively, without compassion or kindness and in basically as awful a way as possible. I am quite glad she hopes I am well. That is awfully kind.

These ruminations of resentment are compounded by being back, not only in the US but also back in Phoenix, where there are many associations, of course. San Diego-- many associations. Los Angeles and Pasadena-- many associations. I wish I weren't sentimental and did not have such a memory.

Another compounding factor is that I had just begin to get freedom and peace of mind out in the wilds of Baja, and the return in general has been jarring. The text message seems shitty and infintely detached and dismissive on top of everything else.

I am not even close to being in the kind of charitable mood that would say "well, she probably meant well. She's trying. At least she let you know that E got his card." Seriously, at this point, god fucking damn that noise.

So-- moving through that. What fun.

I am also editing and posting pictures from the trip-- hundreds. I do find solace and a sense of restored narrative in going through what amounts to a photo journal. And in two weeks I go to Fort Worth for the Botanical Society of America conference and then embark on a road trip. Looking forward to that.

But it's jarring to be back and to feel at least temporarily thrown back into internal ugliness and anger. I had not really worked through much of it on my trip I guess, so much as just suspended the process. I wish that were not true, but, as helpful as the temporary relief was, the harder work continues,

Here's a picture from the trip to provide some balance: