feeling and talking about feeling

My usual modus operandi is to ignore feelings as they arise, or, if they are unable to be ignored because they are too strong, to keep them to myself, try to "figure out what is causing them," and work on "figuring them out" and "dealing with them" entirely internally, without "bothering" anyone else about them. 

All of the scare quotes are because none of that shit is actually what is going on. It's about shame-- any and all feelings are a). very bad news, b). a sign of weakness and a warning that I am going to be fucked and not in a good way and c). invalid from square one because who am I to have feelings anyway? So all of the stories I tell myself are really just rooted in shame. 

Shame has been on my mind a lot lately. I carry way less of it unconsciously than I used to, but its essential engine of hiding everything away except what makes me look good is still roaring away. 

I was reminded recently of a very insightful passage on shame in the Big Book:

These patterns of course are not limited to alcoholics, by any means. 

Most of us live a double life, I expect. I'm not sure if Bill is right that alcoholics live a double life "more than most people." I would venture that "shame bound" people absolutely do.