Recovery Patterns

Overall, moving relatively quickly from the focus being "out there" on U, to bringing it back to me. What can I do? How can I respond to the situation with healing and recovery? This is the attitudinal shift represented in the Serenity Prayer- accepting what I can't change (U, the situation, the reality), changing what I can (myself, my attitudes, my behavior) and cultivating at least some wisdom about where the line is.

One thing that time in recovery seems to help with is that the behaviors that cause suffering turn around more quickly than they used to. I like cultivating that resilience. It's crucial for my well being. Since there is a murderous and resigned part of me that seems to want me dead, it's great to also have some ways to move differently through the world.  

The welter of self hatred is where a lot of my reactions to situations start. 

"If only I were more cool. If only I could just relax and not care so much. If only I were not so insecure and needy. If only- I could have continued to pretend, why not? why the fuck do I have to be so sensitive and demanding?"

But resilience shifts that fairly quickly, although not in a linear way, but- 

"You feel things deeply, it's who you are. It's okay. You can just accept it or even embrace it. It's natural to have wanted more interaction- it's a significant source of joy, pleasure and intellectual stimulation. The two of us fit together very well and it was great experiencing being met that way. It's a rare thing, to be met like that. To get it. It's natural to want to have that in one's life."

Self hatred to self acceptance is so valuable for me, since my default first self talk and feel is hate. I need the skills to talk myself down from that cruel voice and be kind to myself. I'm glad I'm developing and practicing those skills, because, as an echo of what felt like murderous rage in my childhood home, my internalized self hatred just wants me to fucking die. 

Part of self hatred is in comparison also. "I wish I could be as detached and functional as her. I wish I weren't so pathetic. She's moved on, she's super strong and capable, she's handling this shit. Why can't I?" But, again, easing out of the comparison, which good old Teddy Roosevelt called "the thief of joy," is a great help. She is who she is, handling her life the way she needs to and is able to, having her experience in the way she is meant to have it. You are you, living your life the way you live it, having your own experience. There's nothing necessarily better about her way, and nothing characteristically pathological or sick about your way, or vice versa (since part of comparison is to feel superior as well). 

Where I am in recovery now is that my initial reactions to many situations are identical to what they have been my entire life, largely problematic, causing suffering for myself and others, and arising out of trauma. But the deployment of skills that I am practicing and tools of recovery is relatively quick now, and at least there's a way out of the searing hatred and difficulty of the initial storm. 

It's too bad all of this romantic and relationship pain coincides with the almost total isolation of writing the dissertation. I have committed to getting myself to at least one meeting a day- the best time is around sunset, a time of day I have felt emotionally destroyed by for a while now. My sentimentality, tenderness and longing peaks at sunset. I keep remembering Nina Simone's simple dictum:

Simone is not talking about other people here, at the core. It's about self love, so to speak. A sense of self worth that insists on love having a place in one's life where it is generous, reliable, reciprocal to the degree that is possible, kind, supportive and based on shared experiences. 

But here's a little glimpse of what it's like to be me, and why these processes are so very difficult for me sometimes: Last night at CoDA, I glanced at the hands of the woman sitting next to me. My associative and suggestible mind immediately recalled, in vivid detail, U's hands. "What the hell can I do with that?" I wondered. Confused and frustrated at first, angry that an uninvited recall had completely taken over my consciousness, frustrated by my own attachment. But I tried to practice going to acceptance. And I found myself thinking, here's to those hands weaving the best life. I recalled vividly also sitting across from U at a diner, eating pie a la mode, and taking pictures of her gesturing hands, pictures I cherished for weeks afterward. Here's to those hands, long may they be free. Here's to those hands, with gratitude for having held them. Here's to those hands that are sort of somehow equaling U, symbol and sign, numinous and bright. May she be well, because those hands are well.  

Sure, I still wish my consciousness didn't ring so loud and weird with metaphor and sentiment and memory all the damn time- it has gotten even more pronounced as I have aged. It's become even more important, as a result, to practice yet more acceptance around it. 

Mindfulness also helps. Instead of being completely immolated by these things, I can observe. "You're in love, it's just what it is. Watch it roil around, as it arises, and remember, the experience of the reminder and the numinous metaphor will also naturally subside. This is just what it is like at this time. These things arise, burn bright, and then subside. You don't have to do anything about it. Just watch and don't become attached."

Challenging, and admittedly sometimes exhausting, but at least marginally achievable for me, some of the time.