Her push suddenly made crystal clear to me that I have, all this time, since she ended our romance, been hoping against hope that she and I would be able to find a way to be together. This feels really sad and somewhat disturbing to me- as I had myself completely convinced that I was over it and that we were in contact only because I wanted to be friends. I mean, I do, and I enjoyed our interactions. But a lot of my denial and dishonesty with myself came crashing down when she was super clear and firm.
The opening script for CoDA says "Codependency is a most deeply rooted and compulsive behavior," and I truly got that in my guts when I realized I had been, at least in part and at intermittent intervals, pretending to be okay with things simply so I could continue to be in U's life, with the hope that she would wake up one day and snap to how awesome I am and say "I want to do this." Ugh. The shame, disappointment, negative self talk, ego deflation and general collapse the realization brought is still intense. A bottoming out sensation of not being able to trust myself. I gathered myself up and went to my old Sunday night CoDA meeting. Grateful these groups are out there and that I remain in relationship recovery.
Of course, an outsider would have easily been able to at least ask and probably did)- "are you sure you aren't staying in contact at least partly because you want to be lovers and partners?" It wouldn't have mattered. People generally sense that it's a bad idea to try to be friends with someone one is still in love with. But that wisdom is not always available for the lover. Or there is a different wisdom available for the lover. The wisdom of the Fool rather than the wisdom of the Emperor. It's still also true that I was at least experimenting with not being black and white. But the pain of being rejected (kindly) did push me to black and white anyway, and realize I am probably best served by a stop to interaction, as unwanted as that is for me. Disentangling from Facebook in particular, where things always hit me hard, like pics and interactions, etc.
I am heartbroken, yet again, or the same heartbreak for months, underneath my self judgment. Do we find that pathetic? One of the things I admired about our interaction is that she admired me and I admired her- and now I feel less than admirable. To put it mildly. Like I am a burden and a trial and a fuck up and if I could just, if I could only, if I could this or that. I'll have to work on that one, since it isn't helping.
It's been a series of these things. I think the first time we broke up was December 2017. It looks like maybe we broke up a few times after, and again in November 2018, and then of course again in December- with finality. Yet even with finality, as recently as about 10 days ago, fire kindled up again between us- taking to heart being called her person- and just as quickly, the door slammed shut.
That angry voice in my mind: "you ruined things, you couldn't just be cool for once in your life?" Working today on just accepting myself as a lover. At being a person who prefers cues. Forgiveness for still feeling, in spite of everything. Maybe I can reframe some of these things from defects to assets. I do know that I would rather have a blazing heart than a dead frozen or wooden one, as tempting as it is for me to kill my feelings and although I am sure those are not the only two options.
Ugh what a trip this whole thing has been. I'm still grateful for it. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. And I do wish I were more skilled at being honest with myself- it would have helped me if I had been able to acknowledge that I was lying to myself while she and I were in communication, since I was pretending I was "fine" and in fact had the secret hope that she would change her mind somehow, conncected to the secret hope that I could somehow *do something* or *say something* that would cause that to happen. It doesn't seem easy for me to let go of that hope. Especially, I just have very little practice at this kind of intensity of love for someone. Truly, in spite of some heartbreak over the past decades, the whole deal is a tricky and new-ish area for me.
A woman at the meeting last night talked about her assumption that just sitting in the pain would eventually be healing. How she had years of knowing that was not the case, but she still assumed it. But how, the other day, she realized that, without trying to medicate or kill the pain, she could just be in the present. Instead of stewing in the pain believing it had healing power, she could sit in the present instead. I took note of that, as "taking refuge in the present" is one of the skills of Refuge Recovery. When I realized I had still been hoping that U and I would be together (even still hoping we would just rekindle the affair, even just for one measly visit, in spite of all the difficulties there, or even just message each other romantically), I was unwillingly thrown into an avalanche of memories of being with her, as well as a vortex of what-if thinking about the future. The present went completely dark. But the woman's share at the meeting reminded me to practice that skill, to let go of the past and to stop projecting, to whatever degree I am able, to take refuge in the present.
The memories are particularly difficult. And it has been the case that I am not going looking. They arrive on their own. Practicing being grateful and saying yes yes, that was great and letting them move on. It's challenging.
Blake tumbled into my world last night also:
Thanks for the reminder, old friend. It's still what it is. And no one owns my bliss. It was the spirit of that quotation that got me into this transforming encounter in the first place.
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