Gorski and yet more Gorski- part 4- of 5

I've given myself two more posts to cover Gorski's thinking on addictive relationships, in his booklet "Addictive Relationships: Why Love Goes Wrong in Recovery," because I think there's a lot more specific unpacking I'll be doing around my own patterns, not so much his more general framework. 

Yesterday's post listed the features of an addictive relationship: magical thinking, instant gratification, dishonesty, compulsive and obsessive control, lack of trust, alternating doubts, isolation and a repeating cycle of pain. Aspects of this litany that are lower level or even not operating for me anymore are: magical thinking, instant gratification, alternating doubts, isolation. Items that are huge for me still, presenting serious challenges: dishonest, compulsive control, lack of trust and a repeating cycle of pain. 

remember the good old Karpman drama triangle?

Dishonesty usually has the form he describes- I can't possibly express my authentic self- how I am feeling and thinking, or what I want- because then I won't be loved. I am working with this one. I think all it takes, behaviorally, to break through is to demote other people to being less important than my higher power, my recovery and myself. So other people are 4th on the list, and if they can't or won't love me after I am authentic, then at least I am only losing 4th place, rather than how it feels sometimes- 1st place. This is a sure sign that I have made people my higher power, so to speak, since the very ground of my survival seems to rest on what they think of me, and how they act. 

Compulsive control and lack of trust go hand in hand now. It's a strange feeling that I haven't had to deal with in a long time. I am fraught with the deep suspicion that things are happening that I am not privy to. I often feel gaslighted, by a few different people. This in a context where I have no evidence for any of my suspicions. A clear, direct sign that these are issues that are up for me right now, not situational but emerging from things that happened a long, long time ago. 

The repeating cycle of pain has been alleviated recently, but when it is operating, it consists of connection, followed by disappearance, with my abandonment shit coming up, followed by connection. The outer circumstances are all entirely normal for the most part, just ordinary life and a relationship between friends, for example. But my inner life gets severely buffeted as I am enthused by connection and then feel isolated, alone and abandoned when it disappears. Rather than being a glaring, repeated cycle of pain (such as that arising from abuse), this feels more like my own instability regarding intermittent reinforcement. I take the interaction to heart and I'm uplifted by it and enjoy it- I take the disappearance to heart, and I'm confused and feel lonely. 

The highs and lows have definitely calmed down a lot, a sine wave with a much lower amplitude. I am grateful for that. 

So, as I said in last night's CoDA meeting, I am not in an addictive relationship now, but I could be, and I sometimes feel "half-addicted," with some fragment of old patterns and attitudes at play. 

In the last post from Gorski, I'll look at his concept of a "healthy" relationship. The features are basically the opposite of the above- realistic expectations, delayed gratification, honesty, letting go of control and obsession, voluntary and free-flowing cooperation, social integration and a cycle of deepening contentment. Again, Gorski identifies the major culprit in creating an addictive relationship as sex, especially sexual behavior early in getting to know someone. I disagree, pretty much completely, but I'll have to take a closer look at my values and experiences in that area. Next time.