It's funny that, given the circumstances, people seem surprised when I say I am unhappy. I guess most people don't really want to know. And those close to me are probably sick of the same old same old. I will say this: I am consistent. It is a consistent unhappiness. Reliable and loyal. By my side.
I have been feeling surges of resentment and anger lately, and I'm reminded that, in Chinese medicine. it's liver season, and the liver is the seat of anger. Supposedly, all the "toxins" (basically alt medicine's equivalent of "demons" or humors") start to clear, but in doing so, one experiences greater than normal levels of irritability and anger, up to and including red eyed fire breathing rage.
This does happen to me fairly reliably every spring, so who knows.
There's some kind of weird resignation phrase that has been scrolling across my Jenny Holzer mind a lot lately. "You love someone you can't be with. Big deal. It happens all the time. It happens in a lot of people's lives. That's the breaks kid."
I do find it oddly reassuring. In a despondent, Casablanca-ending sort of noble way? Or something.
It's CoDA meeting time, so this will be brief. I do see the shrink in a couple days, and I'm toying with the idea of starting Zoloft. I can be on that combo my counselor last year called "Welloft." We shall see. I have had a great many days where simply taking a shower or sort of working in a very slow and painful, desultory way has been excruciatingly difficult.
Often lately I just want to stay in bed and not get up. Like, all day. Definitely the down turn of the wheel.
And I can say that I am actually doing better than I was two years ago. I have had a whole flood of memories of the soul killing awfuloness of two years ago the past few weeks, since anniversaries are important to me. I wish I had a shit memory. I wish I weren't sentimental, too, and especially seeming to get emotionally attached to people who just are not sentimental. Or hide it well. But yeah probably just are not.
Anyway- bring on those 12 promises of CoDA, and thank you! Uh. Any time now. Checks nonexistent watch. Whistles. Sighs.
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