Actions and words

I have this way of judging people as "bad communicators" when they perhaps rely on behavior to do their talking for them, instead of using words to explain their behavior. For example, I have a lot of judgment about feeling like I am being ghosted. I always want to pursue the person and find out what is going on. Of course, if I am being ghosted, I am always free to take my power back by removing myself from caring. Not so easy for me, however. 

I recently posted something on Facebook from an Instagram account called Truth Potato- silly thing where a potato speaks "hard truths." This one said "No one is too busy to respond to you." I was struck by a young woman's reply (and U's heart reaction) that this attitude was "bordering on incel," and her assertion that "no one is entitled to my time." This is obviously true- no one is entitled to my time. I don't think the truth of it makes for a very happy way to operate in the world, however. The fucking potato was not saying "no one is too busy to interact with you and get into a conversation, or go out to have coffee with you." Of course, we are often too busy for those things. The key word in the stupid meme is "respond." Just say "I'm overwhelmed, tired and don't have time. Thanks for contacting me though. Maybe we can connect later." Or even more boldly "I just don't want to be in communication with you right now. Thanks though." It's funny/painful when someone we care about says "I'm too busy" but has all the time in the world for interacting with others, apparently. 

No one may be entitled to my time, but there are people who are worth it because of what they mean to me, the gifts that have already been exchanged, the trust on which we are operating. If I suddenly find myself adopting the attitude of feeling they are an imposition or a burden, what is going on? Maybe they seem to expect too much from me. Can I just say that to them? If not, why not? Maybe I am not interested in them anymore and find them boring or have lost my desire to be in interaction with them. Could I say that in some compassionate way? Simply disappearing definitely says it. But it says a lot- most of it probably fictional. It's weird how there is this dagger-like ability of people who ghost to choose people to ghost who are probably the worst people to ghost. 

I've ghosted women, for sure. In particular, about a decade ago, after the breakup with the Poetess. Here was my thinking at the time: every time we are in contact, it seems to hurt her. Also, she keeps bringing up how much she wants us to get back together. I feel like shit after these interactions and I think she does too. So I'll just totally ignore her and I bet she'll get over me and move on. 

That's a rationale for sure, but it leaves out a very important piece: the intermediate communication of saying, directly to her: "I feel like every time we interact, it is painful for you. I don't feel we are going to get back together, and my perception is you keep hoping we are and our contact makes it worse. The situation has me thinking maybe total disconnection between us would be best, at least for a while?" No- instead- just the cruel and indifferent-seeming silence, which is itself a lie, because during the time I was totally ghosting her, of course I thought of her and wished her well and would have liked to be friends. Meanwhile, when we finally did talk for a couple hours about a year later, she broke my heart anyway by saying that she used to sit in her place and envision me coming over to visit, and telling her I had been wrong and I wanted to try again. So, what I thought was my best effort to "help her get over me" had zero effect anyway, and may have made things even worse. 

     It's a definite characteristic of my codependency that I unilaterally decide what is best for people and then do that, without even having a conversation with them. One story I am thinking is that U probably thinks that I "would be better off" with less communication. I do not think that is true, and it would be an interesting conversation to have. Edit: the conversation was had, and in fact, I am better off without any communication at all, for however long it takes. This change warrants a whole other post, but that will have to wait. 

However, here's the thing: actions are a very powerful form of communication. Sure, without explanation and exchange, many actions leave it up to us to construct the attendant story, which can be very painful- for me, usually far more painful than just being told the truth. Now, if I could stop at the observation of facts only and cease the storytelling, especially all the ways that the story is a form of me taking everything personally forever and ever, that would be great. I am getting better at it. But it is damned hard. 

I do not read silence well, at all. I am not skilled at cleanly responding to actions without words. I always want to have "the conversation" about "what is going on." But I'm also trying to practice the skill of not pursuing that which retreats from me, but echoing the retreat. It feels outside in, and like a performance I have to force myself to do, and I don't feel skilled at it. 

It reminds me of the Al-Anon saying: get off of their backs, get out of their way, get on with your life. 

So easily said. If someone asked me today what superhero power I would have if I could- it would be that. The power to get off of their backs, get out of their way, get on with my life.