Trust and WTF?

I used to take at face value the things people said to me, more often than not. I think this was a reflection of my codependent tendencies. If my intuition was fairly screaming that something weird was going on or that someone was lying, I would push that down and reassure myself that they were telling the truth. I think I did this most often because I wanted to feel respected and loved, and the idea that people I cared about might lie to me, deceive me or betray me was too acutely painful. 

I am not sure whether this denial of mine made me come off as a total rube or as having made a tacit agreement to not rock the boat, but it was a definite pattern. Looking back on the many times I also lied and people took what I said at face value or at least didn't question it, it seems I have been in a dance of mutual deception many times in my life. 

When my love swears that she is made of truth, 

I do believe her, though I know she lies, 

That she might think me some untutored youth, 

Unlearnèd in the world’s false subtleties. 

Thus vainly thinking that she thinks me young, 

Although she knows my days are past the best, 

Simply I credit her false-speaking tongue: 

On both sides thus is simple truth suppressed. 

But wherefore says she not she is unjust? 

And wherefore say not I that I am old? 

Oh, love’s best habit is in seeming trust, 

And age in love loves not to have years told. 

    Therefore I lie with her and she with me, 

    And in our faults by lies we flattered be. (Wm Shakespeare, Sonnet 138)

For some reason, over the past year or so, I have been transitioning into basically not believing what people tell me if my intuition is telling me something strange is going on. In some ways, I think it has been benefiting me to trust my intuition rather than other people. I think it has helped me develop more of a compass, more discernment and more of a sense of how to protect myself. 

However, it sometimes feels like I have over-corrected. I have tended toward paranoia at times, which is a distinct feature of the alcoholic mind anyway. Sometimes I fantasize about not being in a position to either trust or mistrust anyone. That is, if I had no feelings or attachment at stake at all, regarding anyone. Total gaps, drops, silences and strange changes in communication patterns mean nothing at all to me when they are occurring in regard to an acquaintance or in a situation where it doesn't matter that much to me. But knowing someone I would like to interact with is on their phone, connected in some way to both texting and social media, but is ignoring me or leaving me on read— that is an unsustainable situation. 

I wonder what would happen if I just said "I don't believe you" in a matter of fact way, every time I don't believe someone? I guess that's pretty much annoying af. I also wonder what would happen if I made a commitment to radical honesty regarding social situations. "I know I agreed to have dinner with you tonight, but now I just don't feel like it, maybe another time." Instead of telling that kind of truth, I'm still drawn to the "little white lie" of "I'm sick" or "Something came up at work" or "my phone died." 

I actually don't use that excuse, because anyone who knows me well enough knows that I am fucking addicted to my phone, and I *never* let it die. Ever. I guess I could use some of the elaborate excuses I've heard like "Oh, I ran my phone over but got it fixed this morning," or "I dropped my phone in the toilet!" or whatever. 

It's definitely the case that my intuition is often telling me that *something* is going on that is not being communicated. But in this case, any effort on my part to confront or get clarification is met with what I take as very artful dodging and denial. And my intuition continues to sound the alarm. But I know that this might just be post-traumatic hypervigilance due to the catastrophes of a lifetime of bullshit, so it's a weird situation. 

Not good.