A checklist of precariousness: Part Two, Low Self-Esteem

Onward into more aspects of codependency, part two of five:

Low self-esteem patterns:
Codependents often—

have difficulty making decisions

judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough

are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts

value others' approval of their thinking, feelings and behavior over their own

do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons

seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than

have difficulty admitting a mistake

need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good

are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want

perceive themselves as superior to others

look to others to provide their sense of safety

have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects

have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries
(from CoDA World Services, Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency)

***

This particular list truly resonates with me, point for point, all the way down the list. I certainly have "issues" with the other four sections, but in this case, all the bells ring at full volume. I am only beginning to unfold all the different ways that I have tried to live with, manage, ameliorate and exorcise this self hatred. I think "low self esteem" is a misnomer. I think self hatred, self loathing, self killing are more direct and true. With this list of ways that I have ben ripping myself off and attacking myself for many years, it becomes even more clear to me that alcoholism is a symptom. (Note: after publishing this post, while proofreading again, I noticed that I had typed "ben" instead of "been," and the thought that went through my head was 'you are a fucking clueless idiot.' So that tells you something). 

This marks the clearest departure between AA and CoDA that I have identified. In AA, traditionally construed, childhood circumstance and fundamental psychological dynamics may or may not be acknowledged, but one is strongly discouraged from seeing any of it as *causal* of alcoholism. Alcoholism is a disease, period, and nothing causes it except a "spiritual malady," which is never very clearly defined. To be fair, AA emerged at a time when there was no family system theory, little credence given to the power of childhood trauma and the Big Book was largely written by a man who clearly had not confronted and processed his own demons in that regard, in my opinion. I appreciate also that childhood trauma, abuse, isolation, wounding and loneliness are not *necessary causes* of alcoholism, and many of my alcoholic friends at least claim they had "good childhoods and loving parents."

But in CoDA, one is flat out required to dive deeply into the primal origins. Personal life history, family system dynamics, childhood and adolescent trauma— all are not only "allowed" to be looked at, but *necessary* in order to find the roots of codependency and engage in the recovery process. It makes sense to me. Doing the deep inner child, family system healing work would not have kept me sober from drugs and alcohol. In fact, in early sobriety, those themes may have just given me more excuse to drink. It was important for me to deal directly with alcoholism as a plain fact, not as a consequence of childhood issues. It was important that immediate family be on my 4th step, but with the goal of letting go of blame and finding at least some level of forgiveness. 

Codependency is a different beast altogether, though. Like all "process addictions," it's not related to substances (except insofar as oxytocin, for example, is a substance, or epinephrine, for that matter). To some degree, AA provided me with tools to alleviate the harsh self hatred and negativity toward myself that I carry inside. It especially is lifted by service work, helping others, prayer and meditation, a thorough step 4-step 9 process. But my feeling for nearly 14 years has been that these are all covering activities. I often return home alone from being of service somewhere and the old isolating sadness still washes over me. A voice chimes in: "You just did that for approval. You probably fucked it up anyway. Who do you think you are, trying to help others?" 

The recovery patterns around "low self-esteem," as listed in CoDA literature:

I trust my ability to make effective decisions

I accept myself as I am. I emphasize progress over perfection. 

I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive

I meet my own needs and wants when possible. I reach out for help when it's necessary and appropriate. 

I have confidence in myself. I no longer seek others' approval of my thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

I recognize myself as a lovable and valuable person. 

***

I am not close to much of that. In fact, for example, merely typing that last one gave rise to the feeling of impending mockery and ridicule. Lovable? Ha, right. You are a sick motherfucker, selfish and spoiled, with no regard for the feelings and needs of others and with nothing to offer anyone. The more someone sees of the real you, the faster they will want to run away. Valuable? In what way? What a joke!

I can say with complete confidence that this is the voice of my father. I say this without rancor and without blame. I have done four different 4th steps on good old Kronos in the past 13 years and have made amends for my part. The present person, a frail 86 years old now, and I are on excellent terms and genuinely like each other. This in itself is a miracle. 

But the little 3 year old Percy, or 8 year old Percy, or the somewhat rougher 14 year old Percy— they are full of anger, loneliness, frustration, isolation, resentment, pain. They have not gotten to a place of acceptance with my father that I have, if that makes any sense. In many ways, AA merely echoes the voice of my father: "Grow the fuck up. That was years ago. Get over it. Go help someone." This was helpful for a long time. It isn't any more. There's a lot of sibling ridicule and belittling in there as well. Again, they are off the hook for it, from a blame perspective. I only recognize their voices in that ridiculing, dismissive, shaming, rejecting and isolating chorus that is in my head.

I think of all the turns that my psyche could take, a turn toward self acceptance, gentleness, kindness and compassion toward myself, matched by a friendly, encouraging, appreciative inner voice, would be the most powerful. Whether intentionally or not, AA offers a lot of opportunities for attacking oneself. CoDA doesn't allow it at all. 

It's remarkable how uncomfortable this makes me.