Checklist of precariousness: part three: compliance patterns

The list:

Compliance patterns:

Codependents often—

are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long

compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger

put aside their own interests in order to do what others want

are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings

are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others

accept sexual attention when they want love

make decisions without regard to the consequences

give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change

***

The recovery patterns:

I am rooted in my own values, even if others don't agree or become angry

I can separate my feelings from those of others

I am committed to my safety and recovery work. I leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals

I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately

I consider my own interests first when asked to participate in another's plans

My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. I know the difference between lust and love.

***

I see no necessary need for that last one. As long as I'm not using sex to replace a lack of love, the moralistic emphasis on "genuine intimacy and connection" feels biased to me. But of course genuine intimacy and connection are great.

Anyway, these compliance patterns are central to my inability to form real relationships with people. I can count seven times since 1980 that I have moved in order to "keep" a partnership going, when the long distance nature of it became uncomfortable. I can also count a few times when I did what I wanted without regard to the difficulty of the long distance situation and the relationship ended, often very painfully. So there's a punitive resonance now around following my own path and hoping the relationship "works out." I also agreed to share domestic space at the behest of the woman, when I had misgivings that I did not express. 

Reflecting on these patterns, it occurs to me that no one has ever given anything up in order to be with me, in any significant way. In the nearly 40 years since I left my childhood home, my parents have visited me where I live four times. One of my four siblings visited me twice. No woman I have ever been in a relationship with has moved to be with me. A couple male friends have visited me, which has always felt extremely special and like quite an honor. I should point out that this weird pattern of no one ever showing up for me has been a result of my own passivity. I don't recall ever asking anyone for anything in this regard. I never invited let alone demanded anything. In fact, quite recently, when the loml was thinking of visiting me in Hades, it became a little complicated and I just changed everything around and arranged to go visit her on her turf. I didn't really let it play out in any way. Just: "never mind, I'll visit you." 

Those are just the obvious "concessions" (often, totally giving away the entire store) that I have made, in romantic relationships. I can do a detailed inventory of my work situations where compliance has posed problems. A similar inventory of friendships with men. In particular, compliance has definitely damaged my artistic and musical paths. The opinions of others regarding my writing or music have really spun me out, sometimes for years at a time. I always admired those artists who just do not give a fuck and do whatever they want, no matter what others think or say. I was never able to do that. I made the mistake of sharing work in progress with the wrong audience and getting shitty feedback but taking it 100% to heart and completely shutting down for years at a time.

I'd add a weird compliance pattern that is the reverse of one of the above. The list mentions "accept sexual attention when they want love," but I think a manipulative strategy is also pretending love when the only thing wanted is sexual activity. This has been a huge area of pretense and harmful lies for me. A lot of damage and confusion could have been prevented by simply being honest and saying "I don't want a love relationship, I'm only interested in sex." But I could never be that honest because of a complex web of morality and guilt where sex was only "okay" within a commitment or within the context of "being in love." And I always assumed I would not get sex if I were honest about that being the only thing I was interested in.

The darker side of these compliance patterns is when I wake up one day and say "fuck this." Because then the level of rage I am feeling over having ripped myself off yet again, hollowed myself out for the sake of "keeping" someone, or whatever awful, thin deal I have arranged for myself, is usually a very high level of rage. And especially when I was younger, I took it out on the other person, not taking responsibility for the simple fact that I was the one who made those decisions. 

I vividly recall when my romantic partner announced, out of the blue, that she had been accepted at the MFA poetry program at a university in a city I definitely did not want to move to. I told my sponsor that I was on the horns of a dilemma, because I didn't know what decision to make. Should I go with her or stay? My sponsor said "well, she already made your decision for you. Do you want to stay with someone who doesn't even take your desires into account?" Yes, sure, why not? My desires are not important. 

So I did move. 

Here are the things that have gone on a back burner as a result of caving repeatedly:

music
writing
education
career
finances
sobriety
health and well being
attachment to particular cities or landscapes
extended social networks and friendships (including recovery communities)

So, as much as I resonate immediately with the low self esteem list, the compliance patterns have obviously caused as much turmoil and loss. 

Okay! Three down! Only two to go. Fun stuff.