Sentimental

I recently set up a Johari Window online and invited Facebook friends to visit and pick some words that they thought describe me. It's a fun game and it was somewhat revealing in a variety of ways. For one thing, no one out of 33 respondents so far chose "sentimental," which surprised me, because I feel like I goop up Facebook fairly frequently with love songs, poetry and sentimental posts. On the softer side, people did choose "caring, kind, loving, responsive, and warm." That's great, since I think a few years ago a lot of those qualities would not have been associated with my Facebook persona at all. 

A friend of mine responded to my wondering why "sentimental" wasn't chosen by anyone at all by pointing out that "sentimental" has all sorts of negative connotations. This took me aback somewhat, as I had in mind the positive connotations only. But, upon investigation, "sentimental" ends up being one of those odd words in English that has both positive and negative connotations, and it got me thinking. 

Definition from Merriam Webster:

1. marked or governed by feeling, sensibility, or emotional idealism; resulting from feeling rather than reason or thought

2: having an excess of sentiment or sensibility

From some other sources, the negative aspect of "an excess" of sentiment seems most applicable to literature or art, but also is used along with other pejoratives, such as a phrase like "sentimental old fool." 

I tried to explain to my friend what "sentimental" means to me in a positive light, and the best I could come up with was describing a single instance of a triggering memory involving a Krispy Kreme donut sign (of all things), followed by the cascade of details that tumble out for me, and the attendant softness, tenderness, and heartache. This psycho-emotional reality for me is probably why I immediately understood the sentimentality in the stories of James Joyce, for example, and his "epiphany" approach to telling tales.  

I think a lot of what I mean when I describe myself as "a Romantic" is related to this incredibly vivid memory and the feelings that are attached to those memories. The mode of consciousness and the gestalt of experiencing attachment in these ways makes for intense love, but also some challenges in letting go and moving on when things come to an end. I guess I picture other people being much more skilled at forgetting, or at least de-sentimentalizing their memories. 

Sometimes I feel like I am more present in the memory than I am in the present, and I can also get swamped by overwhelming feelings as a result. I have had memories that have taken my breath away, also. And it is often an experience of an unmanageable consciousness, with triggers and contents "invading" unbidden and sometimes unwanted. I am often tumbling through all of these multi-layered associations, triggered by a smell, or a location, or a distant and mysterious association. 

I think the transmuting of the searing, stabbing memory that is only a reminder of what is no more to the same memory or memories becoming softer, happier, and a source of gladness is a huge part of how these things work for me. I do not forget, so it is futile to try to shelter myself. I have only ever increased my suffering by trying to force myself to direct my imagination more or kill my feelings. If the memories were without affect, my emotional life wouldn't be so stormy and labile. I don't forget, but the feelings do soften. Acceptance and resignation set in. It was, it was great, it was unforgettable, but it no longer feels like it can kill me. 

But I carry so much with me always, once it has embedded itself. I am learning to live with it. Learning to make friends with the plain fact of exactly who I am and how I operate.