Free falling

In an ironic answer to my endless bitching about poor financial treatment from ASU, the graduate college decided to throw me a fully funded, non-teaching completion fellowship with health insurance for spring. This means I get paid but I'm under no obligation to be in Tempe. It also means I have far more time to finish the dissertation, get published, look for work, and reframe my existence as I transition out of this grueling Ph.D. process. I'm giddy with relief, really, having gotten this fellowship. They also added an extra couple of grand as a scholarship. I guess I should bitch up a storm more often. 

But it's strange, also, because, as of December 15, I have no place to live, and I was thinking of not living anywhere anyway for a while. Un-housed by choice, with very nice camping gear and intimate knowledge of dozens of places around and outside of the country, including places outside of the grip of winter, where that gear can be put to use, in many cases for free. But it is a weird, total free fall feeling, after having been in such a straitjacket for months on end. The dissertation draws to a close, the defense date looks likely to be February 28, publications are in the offing, with one committee member already greenlighting the submission of something we co-authored, etc. Frankly, I am grappling with anxiety caused by all of this good news. 

It's strange to take note of me not being used to taking a risk and succeeding. I am far more comfortable not taking a risk and succeeding. For example, the easiest thing in the world for me for decades was to apply to private schools and get a teaching job. It was always great to get hired, and I enjoyed that teaching life, but I never really rolled the dice on anything very high stakes. It was success of a sort, but not the kind that arises from truly putting a lot on the line. 

This transition feels much more high stakes. The thing I really want to do is a self-directed two year post doc where I would have lots of support to conduct a major conservation biology research project. If I get chosen for that competitive situation, there's an example of what would feel like success, to me. Not because it's competitive, but because I am aiming high in applying, and it is really what I want to do. I also would love to teach at some of the primarily undergrad places to which I've applied, and two of those feel sort of high stakes also. 

I think one of the great obstacles in my life has been a haunting fear of being rejected, of failing. In the face of that, I have not even tried, a lot of the time. But now I am experiencing some success. I got a new car that I love. I have a wide open semester to dedicate to the best activities, while getting paid. I am not bound by a lease, or by any feasible or accepted affections. A rare moment that, taken together, absolutely marks an ascent out of this katabatic journey through hell. Coming up into the light, up for air. Being set free. The price that I've paid has been fairly heavy, but it does feel like everything is shifting. 

I think it may soon be time to call it on this blog, also. Maybe I'll start another anonymous one. But it doesn't feel as much like katabasis anymore, after almost three years. 

Knocking on wood of course.