Chronic

My affections in the past have been intense, but relatively brief, or at least easily obfuscated by new affections, or new experiences that have been distracting. I had long considered myself loyal and devoted, until I did a thorough relationship inventory in 2007, at three years sober, and got it all down on paper. I realized that, even in the process of extremely painful breakups, my attachments would fairly quickly either disappear or at least be forgotten. It was jarring to realize that I had been performing a self image of being a deep feeling and devoted person, when in fact it was more accurate to say that I was deep feeling but capricious and flighty. 

The alacrity with which I have jumped from one "serious relationship" to another for much of my life is a part of this. As I have mentioned before, I think a very few, core, primal wounds were never healed, from my family of origin and then a couple of early romantic-sexual attachments, and a lot of my serial monogamy has been simply affect looking for content, as Marsha Linehan calls it. I rarely saw women very clearly for who they actually were, since I was using them, at least in part, to work my stuff out 

I'm experiencing something altogether different now, and it's definitely painful, but also seems like a sign of growth. I have not reached for the distraction of new affections, even though I have been sorely tempted to do so. I have made it so that I have no choice but to deal with things that have long been not dealt with. It's very slow and painful. It's not got that alacritous, bewildering feeling of "whoa, okay, here I am in another relationship! Cool!" feeling. Combined with my realization that I am demisexual and need to be emotionally connected with someone before being very interested in sex, I feel like I am honoring myself a lot more these days, and making different choices, and living a different set of behavioral norms. 

It's not enjoyable in the least. 

I keep finding myself with the plain realization that it is the way it is, and none of it is a problem to be solved or necessarily even a state of suffering to be endured. Yet my unconscious dynamics are powerful, and have not been inclined to a fundamental shift. Given the reality of the situation, I have been left with only acceptance, plain and simple,. No despair and no hope, when I am able to be in the present. Just, well, this is this. 

My oracular friends, the tarot and I Ching, keep basically reassuring me that everything either is or will be okay, just keep showing up. It's a funny contrast to my negative thinking. 

It is odd to discover that I actually meant what I said. It's a benefit to learn to trust myself more, and honor what is really happening for me. I have said a lot of things in the past, made a lot of promises, spoken a lot of vows, and I certainly usually thought I meant them at the time, but have so often experienced my own total unreliability and fickle nature, and have abandoned myself and betrayed myself first, and then others, many, many times. The opposite is occurring now, in unexpected ways. 

All of this shift is directly related to recovery from codependency. In particular, the basic idea of not trying to manage or control my feelings or the outcomes in my relationship life. In letting go, there is a truly weird combination of vast relief and terrible grief. I have been avoiding the experience for decades, enacting a repetition compulsion of distraction after distraction in the hopes of "getting it right" this time. These patterns have caused me and others a lot of harm. 

I do find myself wistfully wishing there had been an easier way for me to have this experience. Futile, of course, but a natural impulse. It's also very challenging for me to avoid catastrophizing into the future: "I am always going to feel this way. This is never going to get better. How can I possibly live like this?" That's natural too, at least for me, but not useful in any way. 

Honoring myself, stepping into my power (as the self help movement puts it), taking myself seriously, not abandoning or betraying myself, accepting reality in as radical a way as possible, and taking refuge in the present. That's my to do list from here to the grave. Well, the urn, since I want my body to be incinerated. And the ashes thrown at the foot of some cactus somewhere.