Offering and Moving On

Another aspect to going where one is invited is related to issuing an invitation oneself. After the invitation, there are a lot of levels of entanglement that are possible. "Would you like to spend your life with me?" There's a lot of possible answers to that question, including grey areas between yes and no, or let's talk about it again in a while, or I would like to, but I can't, or. All of the maybes can be kind of tough to figure out sometimes. But I've been realizing a few things around this whole theme of being invited and issuing invitations. 

One is that I have been too afraid of rejection at certain times to issue a clear, committed invitation. The other is that I do have a long history of issuing invitations that are not accepted, as well as turning down invitations issued to me, or accepting them grudgingly, etc. The whole exchange has not been free and easy for me, on either side. 

It occurred to me yesterday that the simplicity, clarity and solidity of issuing an invitation and being told no and then accepting tat no and moving on is a difficult cycle for me. I'm not skilled at accepting rejection, at not getting what I want, at not "creating the outcome" that I feel I ought to be able to create. 

But the phrase went through my mind last evening: "In these situations in your life, you made it clear what you wanted, you offered it, and it was turned down. There is actually nothing more to do than that. After it's turned down, that, my friend, is that."

It's maybe perfectly clear to some people that this is how life works, but it came as a revelation for me. So the flip side of not chasing is of course just accepting rejection. The gift I offered was refused. That's that. 

As stinging and stark as that seems, it's also freeing and very clear. And it cuts through that repeated experience I had when I was a child and then a young adult, into the present, of constantly trying to offer my gifts to people who are unable or uninterested in accepting them. I have tended to be extremely attentive, very generous with my time and interest, wen I am into someone. I want all of their gifts. I think there have been some who have wanted the same from me, and I've been unwilling to give. And then I have given, and they have been unwilling to show up. 

The meeting of these energies isn't perfect, of course. But in general, it feels to me now that it is not just going where one is invited, but also having the courage to offer and then the resilience to accept rejection. This whole cycle has been one I have shied away from many times. It has kept me from trying to publish writing, from being more active in music, from pursuing people I was interested in, from letting go and moving on from people who have said no to me. 

The boiler plate remedy for codependence is often said to be "letting go." But I think letting go has a ton of different dimensions. I think one form of letting go is to either accept an invitation or clearly say no. Another form of letting go is to courageously issue an invitation and then accept rejection if it is turned down. Moving in these ways through interactions that are worn more lightly, where, one feels, no matter the outcome, one will probably be okay. 

A trip, for sure. 

The bathroom at the Shamrock Country Inn, Shamrock, Texas. Do you think it's inviting?