32 fucked months

I was reflecting a little on the initial impulse for this blog, way way back in March of 2017, when there was a heavy astrological transit just starting, and I had lost my entire personal life in a very painful breakup. Then I was thinking about what a weird trip it has been, and how many challenges along the way. 

-diagnosed with depression
-realization of codependency issues
-serious difficulties finishing my prospectus and defending it
-moving into a house with a man who was in early sobriety and had just lost his partner to suicide months previously
-in the middle of grinding lab work to prepare a full plate of DNA extractions
-working with several different software packages for the first time, using challenging data and methods, experiencing repeated frustrations for months
-pretty much constantly fighting impostor syndrome, raging self doubt, incredibly low self esteem and a repeated, almost daily urge to just quit everything, including life
-tumbling through the grief around the breakup with A, and then major and unexpected discovery of what I still think of as the most important connection of my life
-but trying to navigate that through the dark
-losing that
-diagnosed with prostate cancer
-detached retina and months of complications
-enormous struggles whipping the dissertation into shape
-now, as that draws to a fairly smooth close, trying to move forward on preparing manuscripts for submission to journals
-engaging in a constant job search involving writing and re-writing to customize research goals, teaching statements, etc.
-an almost daily experience of doing new things that I have never done before and never with a feeling of being truly prepared
-no idea where I will be living come December 15, only a little more than two months from now

That's an overview. The internal states have been truly desperate and awful a lot of the time. Less so since the glories of the road trip this summer, with a lot of softening up, opening up, and the ability to just grieve and be more accepting of how things are. Moving out of the last place, as nice as it was, was very important for me. Too many associations. The new place, although temporary, has been great. 

The things I have managed to do in spite of everything include remain loving and open, kind and compassionate. Remain friends with people. Stay sober, work on emotional sobriety, continue to recover from codependency. Practice self care fairly well with healthy food, sleep hygiene, meditation. Maintain recovery community connections. Stay focused in spite of repeated setbacks with the dissertation and just keep plugging away, with as positive an attitude as possible. Keep looking for work in spite of fierce competition and not much response. 

I am fairly amazed that, with the mysterious universe's help, I've managed to show up for all of this. One day at a time, sometimes more like one hour at a time. 

Heartbroken but still breathing.