Singles Ad

"More about me in a minute. Here's what I am looking for in a partner: 

You:

Have done and continue to do the work, and you know what that means without my having to explain it. 

Are in recovery or at least understand what that means. 

Are radical left-progressive, down to destroy the patriarchy, and are passionately, unabashedly feminist. 

Have a spiritual program, spiritual values and principles you live by, but you are an atheist and not religious. Have a sense of the divine mystery, the sacred and the larger universe.  

Are avidly sex positive, have largely freed yourself from sexual shame, and know what you want and are not afraid to ask for it and unabashedly love the male body. 

Have worked through your past heartbreak, are not bitter, and have a generally positive, kind, generous and loving disposition and do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it

Take good care of yourself but are not a fanatic—you have worked out most of your body dysmorphia, you eat well, you're fit, but you are not controlling and judgmental about food. You are comfortable in your own skin.

Can let go and be hedonistic without guilt or shame, at a gelato shop for example, and if you have food rules, you never, ever try to impose them on other people or shame them for what they like to eat

Have zero interest in head games, power trips, manipulation, duplicity or gaslighting and will not tolerate same from anyone, least of all your partner

Are capable of authentic feeling, do not try to kill your heart, are not afraid to have an emotional experience, and generally do not switch your feelings off suddenly, and are somewhat sentimental around memories, music, etc.

Are not prone to ghosting, tethering, caspering or any other form of disappearance without cues and communication. You've worked hard on developing adult communication skills and you respect the needs of your partner in regard to communication and expect the same from him 

Like your job and feel you have found right livelihood

Have mostly accepted the difficult lesson that happiness is not constituted by external factors

Are absolutely not interested in a partner as a project for improvement and know how to love and accept your partner exactly as he is and expect the same from him

Have a tender, kind, compassionate and empathetic heart BUT you also have a dark and twisted sense of humor, you love memes, you revel in the absurdity of human behavior and life on Earth, but your humor never punches down

Love reading and being read to

Are capable of being deeply moved by art of all kinds and regularly are, and love enthusiastically sharing what moves you and are open to what moves your partner

Enjoy massage, giving and receiving

Are a good cook and enjoy also being cooked for

Are into all kinds of music and love hearing new things and are open minded about aesthetically challenging music and generously share also new music that you find that you love; you like having music on in the shared space

Appreciate a beautiful, well kept living space and acknowledge your partner's labors to that end, and you are capable of sharing space generously

Need lots of alone time and have no problem granting the same to your partner

Are not really interested in a partnership that constantly has to be "worked on" yet also can step up and get real about work on the partnership when it is necessary

Are an excellent conversationalist and get turned on by great conversation

Love travel of all kinds but in particular love road trips, hiking, backpacking and camping, both car camping and more primitive forms, yet also love luxury hotel rooms, or cheap louche motels

Are deeply, profoundly moved by wilderness and the beauty of the world

Love cities also

(if a mother of children of any age) absolutely do not believe in corporal punishment, are or were a skilled listener and respecter of the personhood of your children, and now have a generally relaxed and positive relationship with them usually free from drama (within reason)

Are a fierce accomplice for LGBTQ rights, the rights of all marginalized people, have absolutely no confusion about the difference between gender and sex 

Are not into conspiracy theories, do not use phrases like "Big Pharma," are pro vaccine, not anti-GMO, understand science, are not convinced "there's no difference between the two parties," and generally have a sane, sound and proportional set of views of reality

Acknowledge without hesitation the reality of white privilege, white male supremacy and institutionalized racism and are generally capable of receiving a call out without bristling

Have close female friends and are capable of having close male friends with whom you do not form romantic or sexual attachments

Are not still enmeshed in your family system and have healthy, resilient and self-protective boundaries around toxic family members, if you have any

Are enthusiastic about your partner and enjoy introducing him to people you care about and have good boundaries about how you speak about him with friends and family and expect the same from him

Enjoy a full range of self-appearance, from glam to sweats, and have no qualms about performing femininity, yet are not preoccupied

Are DONE with your exes, whether friends with them or not, and do not speak bitterly or critically of them (unless they were abusive, in which case you also have found or are finding a way to heal from that)

Are committed to taking care of any emotional, mental or physical health issues you may have in a responsible and self-loving way

Enjoy receiving gifts and compliments

Appreciate a man who is attentive, generous, kind, supportive, passionately committed to you and present

Have a healthy relationship with social media and, in particular, do not use it to manipulate your partner or arouse jealousy, competition or weird and vague flirtation and you have excellent boundaries with male creepers

Are well educated but not pretentious

Are loyal and trusting when it is warranted and expect the same of your partner, yet are capable of acknowledging your own insecurities and seeking reassurance, as well as responding supportively and lovingly to your partner's occasional need for reassurance

Respond to the emotional pain of your partner with empathy and presence and do not attempt to invalidate or gaslight

Never, ever mock, tease, tear down or otherwise "joke" in a way that belittles your partner either to him, or in his presence, or with others when  he isn't there, and expect the same respect and courtesy from him

Know how to fight fair and practice that skill, and use I-statements or at least generally look for your own experience in a conflict

Can revel in tacky and kitschy humor but also have a refined sense of what is funny

Do not engage in revenge behavior and generally do not keep score or engage in bookkeeping behavior around emotions or events

Know that love is action, not words, and want to have a partnership of love in action, not words

***

There's more, but that's a start. Give yourself one point for each. Do not reply if your score is below 46. Thanks for your time." 

ah romance....

The interesting thing is that some of the women I've been with have reflected most of these aspects, as idealistic and maybe unrealistic as the list might seem. The most recent, almost all, I am amazed to discover. I spoke the list as voice to text while I was driving, and just went for all of the highest characteristics I am looking for in a partner. No wonder I connected so strongly with some. Yet, it's not as if each item on my list above is equal to all the others- there are some deal breakers. I never, ever want to be switched off, ghosted, tethered, caspered or otherwise fucked with, ever again, for example. Also, of course, I can be and have been flexible. Especially as I've gotten older, and recognized my own glaring character defects, I have developed a capacity to be much more accepting and resilient with others. 

But, along with the mantra "I am not your man," there's an emerging sense of this: It takes a lot to make me yours.