A Taxonomy of Loneliness

The road trip provided a lot of time to reflect (fortunately, not a whole lot of awful rumination, but mostly productive realizations), and one of the areas I thought about a lot was loneliness. There's a certain type of loneliness that follows the uncommon experience of feeling truly seen, truly understood and "gotten," that is particularly piercing. I think that I have spent the vast majority of my time feeling lonely without really knowing it. I think one really knows it subsequent to amazing connections that come along and then have to be severed. 

I was reflecting mostly on how important it is to move through loneliness in order to get to solitude. Solitude is a lovely experience for me. I am not with anyone, but I don't feel anything lacking at all. Nothing is missing. I am just enjoying my own company. There were some much needed stretches of true solitude on the trip. But most often, in order to get to solitude, I have to pass through loneliness. And it's very tempting to avoid loneliness via distraction, staying busy, hanging with people I really don't like all that much, etc. I think one of the great areas of pain in my life that I have tried to medicate away has been loneliness. It's unfortunate, since, when I do arrive at solitude, I enjoy it. 

I have at times stayed in relationships simply to avoid loneliness, but of course, and sadly ironically, I have felt even more lonely in those relationships. Nothing reinforces loneliness more than hanging with people who just do not get me. No matter how fine they may be, how funny or interesting, or attractive, or whatever, if I am using them to stave off loneliness, I will always, without exception, end up feeling even more lonely. 

I think loneliness unfolds in each of the domains. Emotional loneliness, physical loneliness, intellectual loneliness and spiritual loneliness. Emotional loneliness is reinforced for me when I try to express what I am feeling and get met with gaslighting, denial, resistance, reassurance, indifference. Spiritual loneliness is quite common in recovery groups, since I rarely feel met regarding my concept of a greater power, I'm an atheist, and so on. Physical loneliness is of course felt in the body in so many ways. Touch deprivation, tension, emptiness. Intellectual loneliness is, for me, that disappointment that comes from someone just not getting how I think, what I value, how I see the world, or even just missing a cultural reference. In particular, intellectual loneliness can be reinforced around humor—when someone just doesn't get why something is funny, and I find it incredibly hilarious. 

Anyway, avoiding intimacy is a strategy for trying to avoid loneliness too, oddly enough. Solitude, for that matter, is simply intimacy with myself, a daunting prospect when there are thoughts I am resisting or emotions I am trying not to feel. 

There's also just the overall, cosmic, existential loneliness of being a person on this planet. I don't vibe very well with others who do not know this feeling very well. I have trouble with hard core extroverts who are always sunny. One hears in many rooms of recovery that the feeling of not fitting in, of being unsuited for life, of feeling alone even from a very young age is very common. I definitely had it. I recall when my first drink hit my brain and it absolutely felt like I had found a way to dissolve that awful isolation. I recall when my first romantic and sexual experiences arrived in the exact same way. But of course, the sustainable, reliable experience is to learn to accept loneliness, or to pass through the pain of loneliness to solitude, or to show up for intimacy with someone else to whatever degree is authentically possible.