Limerence, trash fires, progress

It's amusing to read some of the psychological lit about limerence and note the ways in which the mind tries to categorize and classify experiences of the heart- usually dismissive, reductionist, overly simplified. One of the issues with a lot of psychology is that the emotional life presents as a problem to be solved, rather than a richness of experience to be creatively cultivated. My own experience of counseling has been that I present some kind of seemingly unendurable pain and the counselor and I set about finding ways to alleviate that pain through rational thinking, behavioral change and other methods. 

Psyche revived by Cupid's kiss. Note: revived.

I have never had a counselor say to me "your pain is completely proportional to your experience of the world and let's find some ways for you to explore it, engage with it, take it seriously enough to spend some real time with it. There may in fact not be a solution, but just a growing familiarity." 

Maybe a counselor has taken that approach but I ignored it because I myself have been looking for anodynes. 

There's also the whole area of flat out self care. A friend of mine wrote about a relationship breakthrough, in trying to extricate himself from a clingy partner, where the phrase was "I could do that, but it wouldn't be good for me." I've been trying that one on and experimenting with it, and it's especially interesting to note areas of resistance. In many ways, I don't want what's good for me, clearly, but in other ways, I feel like it is a bypass of something important, a deeper good for me than the immediate. 

Anyway I have been confronted with a lot of anger in myself lately and no outlet for it. Also a lot of sadness, and sometimes despair. No outlet for that either, really. Some conversations have been good. Mostly, the dark and painful places where I am meeting myself are solo, and there's no legitimate way to connect around the experience. It is what it is. 

The new CoDA meeting that I started is picking up steam, fortunately. We had three people on the first night, eight people last week and five last night. We're putting together the script for the meeting chair, we decided on a varied format based on the week of the month we are in, we decided to get medallions and incorporate that into our routine, as well as a newcomer packet, etc. There are times when CoDA provides that one or two second hit of total serenity and clarity that I am powerless over others and that my anxiety, anger, despair and lack of peace all goes back to various ways that I am either trying to have power over others or letting them have power over me. Even just one or two seconds of clarity around that can be a valuable reset. 

Nothing is simple with me. I try to force things at my peril.