I have manifested a middle position regarding U, which is holding gratitude, love of all "kinds" and friendly kindness for her while practicing "non-attached appreciation" and not expecting to see her. The two of us have had several inexplicable, synchronicitous (?) experiences involving each other, a pleasant mystery that I feel no need to explain. The kind of strength that it takes to remain present but unattached would have been utterly impossible without CoDA and I'm grateful.
The main thing up for old Percy now is the tremendous boredom of finishing the dissertation combined with the crushing anxiety of not knowing either when the defense will be nor what will happen after this process is over. The dissertation has become boring because I'm just reshaping a ton of analysis for the molecular phylogeny that I have already done a few times and then writing it up. I have grown weary of the science writing style where the first three to nine pages have a fairly comprehensive lit review with approximately 50-80 citations, and then there's the usual other formal elements. I mustered a lot of energy for the first two chapters, but these last two, which oddly enough are the most publishable, are truly challenging.
But at least this collapse of motivation is resulting in much shorter and more concise chapters, which should be a relief for both my committee and myself. I was in the middle of doing a workflow yesterday, to do some congruency tests of the DNA sequences I'm working with and I couldn't figure out the software and it was the absolute last straw. I'm done analyzing. If anybody wants some other aspects, they can suggest them in the review.
The future is murkier than Tempe Town Lake. My preference would be to do a cool post doc somewhere like a botanical garden with a research program. Either related to plant evolution or conservation or both. Those are rare. My second preference would be a nice job at a primarily undergraduate institution, where I would teach and still be able to do ecological research. My third choice would be adjuncting somewhere, and/or Maricopa Community Colleges (pretty good pay and great benefits) and/or teaching high school again (which actually would pay much better). I love teaching high school but I worry about the work load- it is always such a fucking brutal schedule. Adjuncting is too these days. I know adjuncts at ASU who are teaching 5/5/3 just to survive. Big nope from me. I guess I could do it for a couple of years while pounding the pavement for a post doc. Who knows.
The big challenge right now is searching for opportunities while finishing the PhD draft and teaching human anatomy. It's a lot.
I did start a new CoDA meeting here in Tempe, 6:30 to 7:30 on Tuesday evenings, selfishly to fill the gap in the CoDA meeting schedule. My favorite meeting is an hour drive and 40 miles round trip. It was the very kind, solution oriented and non-judgmental people there who got me going on CoDA, so I enjoy going back. But I needed a meeting here, and the room I snagged is one block from my apartment. The church where the meeting is was willing to take 50% of our donations for the first six months as rent, so that's great. The first meeting was last Tuesday and there were three people there including me, but I think it will pick up.
Refuge Recovery is helping enormously also, especially the daily meditation practice, whether simply paying attention to the breath for 20 minutes or using a guided meditation. There's a kind and supportive community forming around that meeting and it feels good to see the same people every week, for whom this particular path seems to be working.
A mid-February much, much better than two years ago.
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