From Ally to Accomplice

Some women whose perceptions and experience of the world I respect have said to me that I am one of the very few cis hetero men who "gets it." This is in regard to rape culture, marginalization of women, the extra added intimidation and social pressures on women, the damned if you do, damned if you don't social judgments of mothers, slut shaming, bodily autonomy and a whole host of other issues related to women's experience. 

One of these women asked me recently how I have become as aware of these things as I have. What did I do? Why did I care? 

I have been trying to figure that out ever since. It's been a weird path, unfolding on social media, mostly. I have angered a lot of men. For only one example, a guy called me a "ball traitor" and said I was just trying to get "free sex" by advocating for women. I wanted to say something about how all the sex I have (especially since I put my sex life into recovery) is free already, and was free when I was kind of a dick, but I didn't. Many men and some women have accused me of merely virtue signaling, rather than attempting to communicate something of substance. Some women have found my attempts to speak about the oppression and marginalization of women to be mansplaining, or overly attached and an attempt at speaking for them. I've learned a lot from all of these interactions, along the way. 

I've definitely learned to spot, in myself and in other men, the whole arena of self defense, equivocation, what if and what about ism, denial, and territoriality. I've also gotten better at spotting the ways white male privilege erases identity and the lived experience of other people. I've become a lot more aware and respectful of epistemological privilege. I've faced some harsh call outs and criticism and have had to get past my own wounded pride and hurt feelings many, many times. I've lost a few friends over the whole deal. 

Why I care is simple- I'm fanatically devoted to women. I love women. Men are all right, I suppose. But Women's Lives Matter. Since I was roughly pubescent (so to speak) I've been like Dante drawn to his Beatrice. I admire women, I love the way they think and write, I love their minds, their bodies and their hearts. I respect their power and their wisdom. I have long been an equity feminist, and I think I absorbed a ton of that second wave feminism growing up in the 1970's. When women started speaking to me about their suffering, my knee jerk feminism started to be fleshed out in more real terms. 

How a transformation happened in me from basically being on board with equity feminism "as long as it didn't go too far" (somewhat along the lines of all those people who believe in "man-hating feminism") to actively participating in dismantling the patriarchy and being committed to overthrowing white cis het male supremacy is still somewhat of a mystery. I know that a series of wise and patient women have explained a lot to me. I suspect that the deep truth of authentic and enduring love for U, and some dawning realization of the kind of world I wish she lived in, probably has something to do with it. 

The project has been one of listening to, validating and identifying with (as much as possible) women. Not just nodding and commiserating, but getting into as much of a neutral place as possible to get as much immediate understanding of women's experiences as possible. The process has taught me that we have two ways of engaging in advocacy. One way is to be the good ally, agreeing with the principles of a cause, but only sensing the suffering that drives that cause in an analogous way, by comparison with one's own experience. This is better than indifference or outright antagonism, but it falls short of having much real power. 

I think of it as moving from being an ally to being an accomplice. Instead of supporting change, I want to participate in  meaningful ways. One of the first things this whole process has brought home for me is how important self determination is for marginalized groups. One of the strongest acts of service I can do, as an older white male, is just step aside. Get out of the way. I'm sure if there's any other way I can be useful, I'll find out. But for too long, liberal allyship has been rooted in the white savior, the male protector. I think self determination holds the real key to fundamental change.