how I see myself
how I probably appear
Be all that as it may be, the plain fact is that the Pluto transit of my natal Moon that went exact in February 2017 coincides perfectly with the complete, shocking, sudden abandonment by my partner at the time. The astrologists all say that Pluto conjunct natal Moon is all about the death of long-standing ways of being with women, as well the emergence of weirdly intense "soul connections" with other women, etc.
So Pluto wandered around the Moon for a while, going backwards through Capricorn for a bit, and then hitting my natal Moon *exactly* again on July 7th, the very day the loml and I started flirting (well, I started it). Then Pluto wandered backwards some more and then went direct again and hit my natal Moon *exactly* again on December 14th, 2017, at the leading edge of a weirdly intense and problematic time the loml and I visited with each other, which may well have been the start of how wobbly things have been, on again off again, ever since.
The most recent visit was just the past few days. Originally planned for Nov. 15 through Nov. 21, canceled twice, rescheduled twice, it quickly became clear to me during the visit that it was almost impossible for the loml to carve out time to connect and that her sense of things is deeply conflicted right now (this much ought to have been crystal clear to me before the visit but no). So I shortened the visit and returned yesterday. The brief time that she and I had together was spectacular as it always is, unforgettable, beautiful, surreal, powerful, beautiful. But this is clearly not the time for me to try to fit myself into her very busy life, and I have my own PhD dissertation writing fish to fry (block that metaphor!). It was a simple matter to schedule my flight earlier this week, since Southwest is hoping to free up space closer to Thanksgiving. In fact, the change included a $16 refund. I was able to recognize my own position as something of an inconvenience, able to see clearly that I was an appendage and not made a priority, and act quickly to remedy that and not face complications from the outside world. This roughly all coincides with the Pluto/Moon thing finally easing up, on November 18th, the very day I made all of those swift, clean, clear decisions.
When this Nick Drake song starts to go around and around in one's head, hoo boy, time to bail.
All of this is weird, for sure. Going forward, Pluto heads toward Saturn and then Jupiter in my natal chart, staying 90 degrees ("square") my ascendant, Mars and Mercury and staying 120 degrees ("trine") my Sun, until 2023. So there's plenty more Hades on the way, just in a variety of different flavors. I was reading up on Pluto Saturn Jupiter, square Mars/Mercury/Ascendant, trine Sun and it is all very interesting, but much more generally positive than the whole Pluto/Moon thing. A bit of good news. Sort of.
(Also interesting-- I recently completely reconfigured my timeline to complete the PhD, with the hope of defending in April 2019. Lo and behold, unbeknownst to me until just now, my second Saturn return begins in April 2019-- whereas the first Saturn return, at around 29-30 years old, is often seen as a symbolic rite of passage into the structures and commitments of adulthood, the second Saturn return is supposedly more about completion, the creation of new material and practical circumstances, and a growth in wisdom. In fact, the very day I had tentatively scheduled my defense which is also my 15th anniversary of being sober, is the day the Saturn return begins, using the rule of three degrees on the way in and two degrees on the way out).
Meanwhile, I am deep in the throes of wrestling with quantitative, scientific reasoning and embracing that arena as a welcome respite from incredibly intense, sometimes overwhelming emotions. The chapter I am currently working on for the dissertation has proven extremely challenging. This is not necessarily a bad thing, these days. The biggest challenge is that this particular chapter is kind of boring. And the work that lies ahead is mostly drudgery. Such is life.
Regarding the loml, I have (completely?) resigned myself to the simple fact that we are not going to be together in any significant way, perhaps ever, but most likely at least not for years. (My affections remain bone deep, my desires are unchanged, my willingness waits as patiently as ever). It now feels to me that she and the universe have been bellowing this in my ear with a megaphone for months. I would not choose this and it isn't what I want, but I respect her decision and understand it, while at the same time disagreeing with the fatalism of it. My disagreement is easy for me, however, so I don't think it matters.
The plain fact is that I am not important to her in any practical, manifest or livable way, that I am not a priority and that I am in fact fairly far down on her list at this time of her life. This is neither harsh nor unfair. It just is the plain fact. Of course, this has been the plain fact for months on end, but waking up to it, accepting it at face value and simply stopping my fight against the plain hard fact of it has taken me awhile. I think I can be forgiven for that delay, (if I can forgive myself), but it is clearly time for me to move on and let go.
The loml in fact gave me a very nice big mug, with an image of a meditating person, and the words "Let that shit go." She said, "I have no idea why I was drawn to give you this," and I laughed and laughed, internally. Of course, she also gave me a couple pink marble hearts that are very sweet, and so the paradox of everything we have experienced with each other is encapsulated. In my own foolish romanticism, I attempted to give her a risky gift which she left with me, and which now has gone into a large box full of my past. I think it is also symbolic, since I am sure she "didn't mean" to leave it (twice), and "just forgot," I bet, but this is of course more significant than that.
It's interesting especially to not have broken up, so to speak, but simply to have accepted that things are what they are, intractable and as solid and real as a brick. There's no point in either "staying together" or "breaking up" when one of the two people in a relationship is by necessity an afterthought. Yet, we both think of each other constantly. We'll miss each other every day. We will reconnect on a profound level no matter the intervening time. Paradoxes abound.
One of the hooks on which I get caught is that she has a much stronger capacity to at least appear steely, unmoved and unconcerned by the failure of our being together than I do. Astrology would say that this is because she is a Capricorn.
Note also the heart of the Virgo in this utterly hilarious illustration
A recent event that sledgehammered home the reality of my current position was her arrangements with her mother to visit our adopted hometown, where the two of us have visited each other three times over the past 16 months, each visit very powerful for me. The announcement of that family trip, including husband, was made on Facebook, without any communication with me or warning. People's actions speak much louder than their words do, and this reality was quite a wake up call for me. I *still* resent this and have work to do to get free of that resentment.
It amazes me how much it takes for me to get the message that I am largely out of someone's picture, and I am struggling with some fierce self-hatred, wherein I regale myself with what a stupid romantic idiot I have been. Not helpful. But I arrived in her city a few days ago, in spite of all of this, with candle, roses, incense, a little string of festive lights I bought at CVS, a romantic risky gift into which I had put a lot of thought, and set about creating a romantic atmosphere in the Airbnb where I was staying, as has been my wont on other visits. All of this courtship behavior was hopeful but based on zero prior communication. All of it seemed clownish and idiotic and a way for me to set myself up in light of the dawning reality, and how clear the prior indications were that romance was not in the picture in any strong or definite way. Believe me when I tell you I am working on letting myself off the hook for what I see as foolishness but what is understandable. I guess. ?
She also did not change her work schedule during my most recent visit. I know it is possible for her to do so, since clearly she has had to do so in order to make the family visit possible. But it is not a priority for her to do so while I am visiting. I acknowledge these facts without rancor. But it has a pang to it, not a rancorous pang mind you, but a pang nonetheless, because when I originally scheduled the visit, I had, for the first time ever, made a request that she actually make an effort to carve out a long stretch of time that we could spend together. Under our initial arrangements for the visit, before it got canceled, she had agreed to do this. For me to make the arrangements to go to her city, and to invest the time and energy in the actual travel, is a big time and energy suck. My choice, I know, but when it feels barely even acknowledged or met, how can a person not feel slighted or taken for granted? But I guess after she ended things between us, but then I told her I wanted to visit anyway, and she agreed, the old agreement to carve out a long period of time was moot. I didn't ask, however, (I see now that I didn't want to know) and she did not communicate to me anything at all about what the schedule of my visit would look like. And her repeated confessions of feeling conflicted and guilty, which for some reason I was finally able to hear and accept. In spite of which we tumbled toward each other as we always do. In spite of which the prognosis is not at all good. She enters now into the season of having to show up for family, in all the ways the holidays require of married people with children. I wish her well in everything, sincerely. I guess if I were a relationship oncologist, I would say the five year survival for this grade and stage of relationship is maybe 3%. Lower than for pancreatic cancer.
It occurs to me that I have clung tenaciously to the red thread of hope for months longer than many people would have. I'll have to find ways to be kind to myself for that, as well. I do not think my essential behavior or love has been codependent, however. I only see my codependent compulsive behavior in all the ways I have tried to control, manipulate and orchestrate, instead of just letting go and acknowledging what is. My resistance to feeling rejected, abandoned and less than is so fierce, I obviously am capable of very strong persistence in various delusions that I am not being rejected, abandoned or treated as less than.
The most nightmarish moment along this walk was when the loml flipped The Switch. Those of you who have been reading for a while might remember the post about The Switch. Lo and behold, the loml is yet another woman who has The Switch. From passionate proclamation of undying love to zilch. Zero. Subzero. Instantly distant, "I can't do this anymore," expressed without any tenderness or sense of regret. "Sorry for the injury" was a phrase that actually was uttered with a tone of absolute coldness. Just straight up unemotional distance. And that, my sentimental friend, is that. Sorry. Unilateral and sudden. Absolute and detached. Practical. Frankly, terrifying. Not my style, most of the time. I understand it better now, and I get the fear that underlies it. But it's a nightmare to encounter, when one is emotionally invested in another human being and has been formerly met with warmth and affection. It flipped back to more warmth later, but the experience was like jumping out of a plane in the dark without a parachute into a sky at 50 degrees below zero, it was so unexpected (to me) and out of character.
Onward into other levels and degrees of Hades go I. It seems there are a great many experiences on the way. I'll endeavor to stay awake for them. But a resolution that is crystallizing for me is to find ways to make those people a priority who make me a priority. And if no one is making me a priority, making myself the priority for myself anyway. I am an excellent partner for someone, someday. I've done a shit ton of work to be a better man. I continue to do that work. I'm generous, passionate, kind, supportive, a true feminist ally to the full degree I am able, dedicated to the domestic proposition that all human beings ought to do equal labor with children and home. I'm intense, sure, but I'm not boring. I make an honest effort to get to know authentically and attentively a woman and what she likes and how to show up for her. There are a lot of ways my character defects fuck with my relationships still, and I realize this. But I am worth being a priority for someone, especially since I have a fairly devoted relationship style myself, even when codependent compulsions are not driving me.
It's time for me to take my wants seriously enough to insist they be met, or to forego even the most amazing and intensely passionate relationships where I am way down on someone else's list. I want an available person, within reason, within the largest healthy view of interdependence and being present, and if none is available, if even the loml is not available, I want to be present with myself. I would make many concessions and be flexible and open if the loml were able to meet me. She has made it abundantly clear she does not want to or is unable to.
It's time to let that shit go.
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