Omphaloskeptical

One of the themes that runs throughout some of the more spiritually oriented works available in contemporary culture is that we must discover and create love and compassion for ourselves "before" we are able to practice love and compassion for others. 

I'll perform loving actions in the world as soon as I am exactly like Green Tara

There's deep wisdom in that, of course. If I don't carry the seed of self-acceptance, gentleness and non-aggression toward my own humanity, it makes sense that I would be more prone to rejecting the humanity of others, consciously or unconsciously. Bill W's maddening spiritual axiom from Step 10 in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions comes to mind:

"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about 'justifiable' anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Can't we properly be angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it." (pg. 90)

However, my experience of the path is that there is not enough time to get that self-acceptance and compassion "right enough" in order to start being of service to others. And that ends up being a blessing, because I have also found this weird alchemy— when I take the risk of performing loving actions and bearing witness to the joy and suffering of the world even from my place of abject discomfort and rejection of myself, I experience relief, but not only relief; also growth, healing and increased self-acceptance. 

And through service from my place of imperfection or even self loathing, compassion for myself and love and acceptance for myself naturally begins to arise. In fact, it effortlessly arises, since my efforts are directed elsewhere. 

Pema Chödrön often mentions sitting meditation as the main way toward cultivating self-acceptance and compassion. But I think what is missing in a lot of her work and in the work of many spiritual teachers is the simple power of becoming socially engaged. The work is as much outside in as it is inside out. When I step out into the risky interaction with someone who is asking for help, in fact, my self hatred becomes powerfully useful. A sponsee might say to me, "I want to stay sober but I hate myself and it's so uncomfortable to not have any relief," and instead of going to a strategy and saying "have you tried sitting meditation?", I can simply say, "Yes indeed. I really struggle with that too."

I value the ways that therapy, meditation and "working on myself" begin to heal the wounds that give rise to despair, a feeling of uselessness and self pity and flat out self loathing. However, I also value the ways that service, getting out there and doing things and bearing witness, performs the same kind of healing. 

whoa dude, fancy chair setup

Far more the reality. If you hang around recovery long enough, you will discover the ancient healing benefits of folding chairs and church basements

I think the inside work and the outside work truly work together naturally for me. It is both/and, not either/or. But I will say that, for me, the outside work sometimes gets the job done much more simply and quickly. I can therapize some ugly looking snag in myself for a long time. Suddenly, however, if I just get off my ass and go to a meeting and help set up chairs and make coffee, the sense of the importance and knotty persistence of my suffering evaporates. 

An apothegm in recovery is that self esteem comes from esteemable acts. I have directly and powerfully experienced the undeniable truth of this statement, when all the cultivation of warm feelings for myself and an open self-acceptance repeatedly fails. This of course may not be the case for all, but for me, action truly works in many cases when no therapy, meditation or self-directed practice works at all. And that is incredibly good news, because it means I don't have to wait in order to begin to live a purposeful life. I don't have to venture out into the weird and wild world only after I have somehow gotten my self-compassion license. In fact, for me, I can find healing right now, moving out into a broken world, with my broken self.