It's amusing to read some of the psychological lit about limerence and note the ways in which the mind tries to categorize and classify experiences of the heart- usually dismissive, reductionist, overly simplified. One of the issues with a lot of psychology is that the emotional life presents as a problem to be solved, rather than a richness of experience to be creatively cultivated. My own experience of counseling has been that I present some kind of seemingly unendurable pain and the counselor and I set about finding ways to alleviate that pain through rational thinking, behavioral change and other methods.
Psyche revived by Cupid's kiss. Note: revived.
I have never had a counselor say to me "your pain is completely proportional to your experience of the world and let's find some ways for you to explore it, engage with it, take it seriously enough to spend some real time with it. There may in fact not be a solution, but just a growing familiarity." Maybe a counselor has taken that approach but I ignored it because I myself have been looking for anodynes. There's also the whole area of flat out self care. A friend of mine wrote about a relationship breakthrough, in trying to extricate himself from a clingy partner, where the phrase was "I could do that, but it wouldn't be good for me." I've been trying that one on and experimenting with it, and it's especially interesting to note areas of resistance. In many ways, I don't want what's good for me, clearly, but in other ways, I feel like it is a bypass of something important, a deeper good for me than the immediate. Anyway I have been confronted with a lot of anger in myself lately and no outlet for it. Also a lot of sadness, and sometimes despair. No outlet for that either, really. Some conversations have been good. Mostly, the dark and painful places where I am meeting myself are solo, and there's no legitimate way to connect around the experience. It is what it is. The new CoDA meeting that I started is picking up steam, fortunately. We had three people on the first night, eight people last week and five last night. We're putting together the script for the meeting chair, we decided on a varied format based on the week of the month we are in, we decided to get medallions and incorporate that into our routine, as well as a newcomer packet, etc. There are times when CoDA provides that one or two second hit of total serenity and clarity that I am powerless over others and that my anxiety, anger, despair and lack of peace all goes back to various ways that I am either trying to have power over others or letting them have power over me. Even just one or two seconds of clarity around that can be a valuable reset. Nothing is simple with me. I try to force things at my peril.
Or somewhere in there. It took Valentine's Day 2017 and the sig other being on the phone at our house with her new boyfriend when I got home from my AA big book study for me to melt into a puddle and realize I had been depressed for a long time and decide to get help. I went to ASU counseling, did the intake, alerted the intake counselor to my suicidal ideation, worked up a safety plan. Started counseling and CoDA shortly thereafter. March 10 will be two years in CoDA, which has helped me enormously. Freedom is an amazing thing. Of course, being madly in love with an unavailable woman during 18 months of that has offered many, many opportunities to practice relationship recovery skills. Still does.
I have manifested a middle position regarding U, which is holding gratitude, love of all "kinds" and friendly kindness for her while practicing "non-attached appreciation" and not expecting to see her. The two of us have had several inexplicable, synchronicitous (?) experiences involving each other, a pleasant mystery that I feel no need to explain. The kind of strength that it takes to remain present but unattached would have been utterly impossible without CoDA and I'm grateful. The main thing up for old Percy now is the tremendous boredom of finishing the dissertation combined with the crushing anxiety of not knowing either when the defense will be nor what will happen after this process is over. The dissertation has become boring because I'm just reshaping a ton of analysis for the molecular phylogeny that I have already done a few times and then writing it up. I have grown weary of the science writing style where the first three to nine pages have a fairly comprehensive lit review with approximately 50-80 citations, and then there's the usual other formal elements. I mustered a lot of energy for the first two chapters, but these last two, which oddly enough are the most publishable, are truly challenging.
But at least this collapse of motivation is resulting in much shorter and more concise chapters, which should be a relief for both my committee and myself. I was in the middle of doing a workflow yesterday, to do some congruency tests of the DNA sequences I'm working with and I couldn't figure out the software and it was the absolute last straw. I'm done analyzing. If anybody wants some other aspects, they can suggest them in the review. The future is murkier than Tempe Town Lake. My preference would be to do a cool post doc somewhere like a botanical garden with a research program. Either related to plant evolution or conservation or both. Those are rare. My second preference would be a nice job at a primarily undergraduate institution, where I would teach and still be able to do ecological research. My third choice would be adjuncting somewhere, and/or Maricopa Community Colleges (pretty good pay and great benefits) and/or teaching high school again (which actually would pay much better). I love teaching high school but I worry about the work load- it is always such a fucking brutal schedule. Adjuncting is too these days. I know adjuncts at ASU who are teaching 5/5/3 just to survive. Big nope from me. I guess I could do it for a couple of years while pounding the pavement for a post doc. Who knows. The big challenge right now is searching for opportunities while finishing the PhD draft and teaching human anatomy. It's a lot.
I did start a new CoDA meeting here in Tempe, 6:30 to 7:30 on Tuesday evenings, selfishly to fill the gap in the CoDA meeting schedule. My favorite meeting is an hour drive and 40 miles round trip. It was the very kind, solution oriented and non-judgmental people there who got me going on CoDA, so I enjoy going back. But I needed a meeting here, and the room I snagged is one block from my apartment. The church where the meeting is was willing to take 50% of our donations for the first six months as rent, so that's great. The first meeting was last Tuesday and there were three people there including me, but I think it will pick up. Refuge Recovery is helping enormously also, especially the daily meditation practice, whether simply paying attention to the breath for 20 minutes or using a guided meditation. There's a kind and supportive community forming around that meeting and it feels good to see the same people every week, for whom this particular path seems to be working.
A mid-February much, much better than two years ago.
"mantic (adj.) "relating to or pertaining to prophecy or divination," 1836, from Greek mantikos "prophetic, oracular, of or for a soothsayer," from mantis "one who divines, a seer, prophet; one touched by divine madness," from mainesthai "be inspired," which is related to menos "passion, spirit," from PIE *mnyo-, suffixed form of root *men- (1) "to think," with derivatives referring to qualities and states of mind or thought. Related: Mantical (1580s). romantic (adj.) 1650s, "of the nature of a literary romance," from French romantique, from Middle French romant "a romance," oblique case of Old French romanz "verse narrative" (see romance (n.)).
As a literary style, opposed to classical since before 1812; in music, from 1885. Meaning "characteristic of an ideal love affair" (such as usually formed the subject of literary romances) is from 1660s. Meaning "having a love affair as a theme" is from 1960. Related: Romantical (1670s); romantically. Compare romanticism. romance (n.) c. 1300, "a story, written or recited, of the adventures of a knight, hero, etc.," often one designed principally for entertainment," from Old French romanz "verse narrative" (Modern French roman), originally an adverb, "in the vernacular language," from Vulgar Latin *romanice scribere "to write in a Romance language" (one developed from Latin instead of Frankish), from Latin Romanicus "of or in the Roman style," from Romanus "Roman" (see Roman).
The sense evolution is because medieval vernacular tales usually told chivalric adventures full of marvelous incidents and heroic deeds. In reference to literary works, often in Middle English meaning ones written in French but also applied to native compositions. Literary sense extended by 1660s to "a love story." Meaning "adventurous quality" first recorded 1801; that of "love affair" is from 1916. Romance novel attested from 1964." (all of the above from the Online Etymological Dictionary, where I spend a lot of my time these days) Funny that "mantic" and "romantic" of course have no etymological connection. Anyway, I've been having conversations with Amrit Brar's Marigold Tarot a lot lately, and I find the cards to be perfect for the darker shadows of my psyche.
It's been interesting becoming more familiar with a new deck after years and years of the Rider-Waite. I have had a few other decks in the past- The William Blake Tarot for example, which is super cool, and the Thoth Tarot, which is creepy. But I am really resonating with Brar's images and mood.
I'm also back to more in depth meditations on the I Ching's unpleasant messages. It's funny how the I Ching is a bit of a scold, a disciplinarian, a critic. Last night, for example, I thought the hexagram "Inner Truth" was great, until the yang lines all dissolved except for the top one, leaving "Disintegration/Collapse/The End of the Relationship."
These extremes of wisdom and folly, equanimity and agony, have been characteristic of the past two years in many ways. I did finally finish the draft of the species distribution modeling chapter and email it to my chair and the committee member who specializes in same. I am very glad to be done, but I expect they will both take a hatchet to it. It is extremely challenging to do ecological work within the short time frame of a PhD. I have renewed respect for ecologists who use sophisticated statistical methods, but I also have an increased skepticism regarding the robustness of the analyses and the reliability of the findings. I am ready to launch right into the last two chapters- the molecular phylogeny and the estimated divergence time/ancestral state reconstruction/biogeography chapters. I expect these will be shorter and more publishable. Interesting to note that it was exactly two years ago that the "month of total silent treatment" started with A. I still feel a knot in my stomach when I recall that time. By March 1, I would have all my stuff in storage and that was that. Catastrophe that still feels traumatic now. I'm hoping I have a chance to work through it and let go. The hexagram "Disintegration" above is exactly what it felt like. Wilhelm translates the Chinese as "Splitting Apart." From James DeKorne's Gnostic I Ching: Whenever we go deep enough toward the core of a sub- personality, we find that the core -- which is some basic urge, or need -- is good. For practical purposes, this can be considered an absolute. No matter how many layers of distortion may surround it, the basic need, the basic motivation, is a good one -- and if it becomes twisted, it was because of not being able to express itself directly. The real core -- not what the sub- personality wants, but what it needs -- is good. A basic purpose of the coordination phase is to discover this central urge or need, to make it conscious, and to find acceptable ways in which it can be satisfied and fulfilled. And, provided we have sufficient understanding and skill, it can be satisfied -- if not fully, at least enough to maintain the process of growth.
I think one of the hardest things about this trundle through Hades for good old Percy is that it has been precariously affected, repeatedly and chronically, by the decisions of other people. Many things have occurred that are against my will. For one thing, the starkness of this has made me much more aware of how often in the past I have, for better or worse, gotten my way. There's a line in an otherwise not very good Helmet song that goes "all the good that never comes, from always getting your way." And I'm feeling it.
All the good that you discover
In people that you hate
Draw them close and pencil thin
Then they're easy to erase
You've got it down just feed them lies
And watch them starve to death
Keep them crowded and short of air
Then you can take their last breath
I'd rather be insulted by you
Than someone I respect
If I don't share the same view
It's just my birth defect
All the good that never comes
From always getting your way
For a couple of years now, the decisions of others have had a huge impact on my life. My ex, A, decided she was sick of me and had fallen in love with another man and basically evicted me from our home. My progress in my PhD program is entirely contingent on the decisions of my committee members. U could have chosen to restructure her life to get us into the sunlight but decided not to. Or could have decided she had the psychic endurance to stay in the shadows, but decided she did not. My own passivity was *MY DECISION* not hers, and I "could" have bailed anytime along the way for my own very good reasons. (Of course, I never wanted to bail, at least not for very long. I wanted to do what we were doing forever, if we couldn't be in the open. Pathological or not, them's the facts). Her husband's passivity also affects my life-- he "could" decide he doesn't want to be in the situation he's in, as well as she "could," but then I am reminded of the statistic that only 25% of people who have an affair leave their partnerships as a result and this seems so sadly human to me. Understandably human.
It's been very important for me to realize that I am under no obligation to allow the decisions of others to fuck my life up. Their decisions are theirs, and I am a free agent (within reason) to make my own decisions accordingly. For long stretches of time stuck here in Hades I have assumed without reflecting much that I just have to find a way to arrange my life around the decisions of others. I am realizing that this is my own passivity and is a delusion, and if people make decisions that fuck with me I can just change my own course and not drag out suffering for the decisions of others.
I am experiencing a lot of anger the past few days arising out of my hurt feelings of being thrown over for an existing situation that I have a lot of judgment about. I haven't expressed that judgment directly very often, out of respect for the people involved. It is a weird reality, respecting someone's choices completely, understanding the reasons, respecting the person making the choice 100%, but simultaneously thinking they are...unnecessary?... choices. Yes, it is possible to do both at once.
I am finding ways to deal constructively with the anger within a context where there is no communication. U has completely shut down any direct communication between we two at this time without explicitly setting a boundary, but by just acting out a boundary, so there's no room for conversation. It was not possible for her to make space for a conversation we could have benefited from in the past week because of circumstances out of her control, and so the communication came down as an edict, a unilateral decision of hers via a few text messages. So be it, what the fuck ever. I must continue to try to remember that her choices are not mine, and after a certain point, my life does NOT have to be impacted by the decisions she makes.
Anyway, back to work with me. A hair's breadth from finally getting the draft of chapter two of the diss off my desk. Met with committee chair yesterday and he had completely forgotten that I sent him the draft of chapter one way back in mid October. This pisses me off no end and seems unprofessional and stupid in the extreme, but there's no way for me to express that, of course, other than firing him and getting another committee chair, which I just do not have the energy for right now.
Fuck, basically. Not liking any of this. Is the converse of all the good that never comes from always getting my way, having some good come from never getting my way?
