Ending, Unending

As I get older, I have a changing, more comfortable relationship with death. This changing relationship is also connected to the meditation practice that I started a couple years ago, in which, no matter the particular form, the central experience is one of encountering both attachment and aversion and softening those tangles, letting go of the afflictions of both to whatever degree is possible. This is the same as becoming friends with mortality, basically, since the experience of letting go on a daily basis is just practicing with the impermanence of everything in this life.

It becomes more clear to me that this is the path to loving fearlessly: Making friends with death. Reality is an excellent teacher in this regard. When I start getting all tangled up in fear, resentment, jealousy, blame, impatience, self pity and these other jumbled and unskillful parts of being human, it is effective and helpful to recall that I'll be dead someday, and so will the object of my tangled attachments, and then, to what avail will all of the agony have been? If I can get a split second of knowing I am going to die, and in that moment feel grateful and blessed to have had this one precious human life, then I have lived well and skillfully. It's a goal. 

This cactus may or may not know that there is no hope of reproducing. There are no flowering kin anywhere near and there never have been, it's whole sexually mature life. Nevertheless, look. 

The 12 steps have helped with this process of letting go, very much. I'm getting a lot out of Refuge Recovery, too. For example, this forgiveness meditation:

FORGIVENESS MEDITATION

Refuge Recovery, Page 223

Find a comfortable place to sit. Relax into the sitting posture. Take a few moments to settle into the position by intentionally releasing any held tension in your face, neck, shoulders, chest, or abdomen. Bring your attention to the present moment through the breath awareness practice.

Pause

After settling into the present-time experience of sitting with awareness of the breath, allow the breath to come and go from your heart’s center. Imagine breathing directly in and out of your heart. Feel what is present in your heart-mind and begin to set your intention to let go of the past through letting go of resentments. Say the word forgiveness in your mind and acknowledge how it feels to consider letting go.

Pause

When you are ready, bring to mind some of the ways that you have harmed others, have betrayed or abandoned them. Include both the intentional and unintentional acts of harm you have participated in. Acknowledge and feel the anger, pain, fear, or confusion that motivated your actions.

Begin to ask for forgiveness from those you have harmed:

I ask for your forgiveness.

Please forgive me for having caused you harm.

I now understand that I was unskillful and that my actions hurt you, and I ask for your forgiveness.

Pause between each phrase, bringing attention to your heart/mind/body’s reactions to these practices. Feel the feelings that arise, or the lack of feeling. Acknowledge the desire to be forgiven.

If the mind gets too lost in the story and begins rationalizing and blaming, simply bring your attention back to the breath and body in the present moment, then continue repeating the phrases:

I ask for your forgiveness.

Pause

Please forgive me for having caused you harm.

Pause

I now understand that I was unskillful and that my actions hurt you, and I ask for your forgiveness.

Pause

Spend some time repeating these phrases and reflecting on your past unskillfulness, remembering to soften your belly when it gets tight with judgment or fear.

Relax back into breathing in and out of your heart’s center. Take a few moments to let go of the last aspect of the exercise. Then begin to reflect on all the ways in which you have been harmed in this lifetime. Remember that you are attempting to forgive the actors, not the actions, and that just as you have been confused and unskillful at times, those you have hurt you were also suffering or confused. Bring to mind and invite back into your heart those who have caused you harm. With as much mercy and compassion as possible, begin offering forgiveness to those who have harmed you, those whom you have been holding resentment toward, with these same phrases:

I forgive you.

Pause

I forgive you for all the ways that you have caused me harm.

Pause

I now offer you forgiveness, whether the hurt came through your actions, thoughts, or words.

Pause

I know you are responsible for your actions, and I offer you forgiveness.

Pause between each phrase, bringing attention to your heart/mind/body’s reactions to these practices. Feel the feelings that arise, or the lack of feeling. Acknowledge the desire to forgive. If the mind gets too lost in the story and begins rationalizing and blaming, simply bring the attention back to the breath and body in the present moment, then begin repeating the phrases:

I forgive you.

Pause

I forgive you for all the ways that you have caused me harm.

Pause

I now offer you forgiveness, whether the hurt came through your actions, thoughts, or words.

Pause

I know you are responsible for your actions, and I offer you forgiveness.

2 minutes of silence

Now let go of the phrases and bring your attention back to your direct experience of the present moment, feel the breath as it comes and goes, soften the belly, and relaxing into the present. Attempt to let go of let go of the reflection on those who have harmed you relaxing back into the experience of your breath at the heart’s center.

Pause

When you are ready, begin to reflect on yourself. Acknowledge all the ways that you have harmed yourself. Contemplate your life and your thoughts, feelings, and actions toward yourself. Allow heartfelt experience of the judgmental and critical feelings you carry toward yourself. Just as you have harmed others, there are so many ways that we have hurt ourselves. We have betrayed and abandoned ourselves many times, though our thoughts, words and deeds -sometimes intentionally, often unintentionally.

Pause

Begin to feel the physical and mental experience of sorrow and grief for yourself and the confusion in your life. Breathing into each moment, with each feeling that arises, soften your belly and begin to invite yourself back into your heart. Allow forgiveness to arise. Picture yourself now, or at any time in your life, and reflect on all the ways in which you judged, criticized, and caused emotional or physical harm to yourself. With as much mercy and compassion as possible begin to offer yourself forgiveness, perhaps picturing yourself as a child and inviting the disowned aspects of yourself back into your heart:

I forgive you.

Pause

I forgive myself for all the ways I have caused myself harm.

Pause

I now offer myself forgiveness, whether the hurt came through my actions, thoughts or words.

Pause

I know I am responsible for my actions, and I now offer myself forgiveness.

2 minutes of silence

Pause between each phrase, bringing your attention to your heart/mind/body’s reactions to these practices. Feel the feelings that arise, or lack of feeling. Acknowledge the desire to forgive yourself.

If the mind gets to lost in the story and begins rationalizing and blaming, simply bring the attention back to the breath and body in the present moment, then begin repeating the phrases

I forgive you.

I forgive myself for all the ways I have caused myself harm.

I now offer myself forgiveness, whether the hurt came through my actions, thoughts or words.

I know I am responsible for my actions, and I now offer myself forgiveness.

2 minutes of silence

Now send yourself a moment of gratitude for trying to free yourself the long-held resentments that makes life more difficult than it need to be.

1 minute of silence

When you are ready, allow your eyes to open and attention to come
back into the room

(Ring Bell)

I am usually not a fan of guided meditation, but that is changing. Noah Levine and the other Refuge Recovery people understand the way a Westerner's mind works. Especially the mind of an addict. I still also sit silently and just watch the breath, but the guided meditations have been surprisingly helpful.

Imagine that. Some people know better than I do. And yeah, I am not a practicing Buddhist, and I'm engaging in that tried and true Western "buffet spirituality" thing. Sue me.

Love is a risk. What's the risk? It will hurt.

Everything hurts. Another way of saying, all life is suffering. It won't just hurt, it will cause harm. How so? Trauma! Bitterness! Betrayal! Shame! Huh. Love doesn't cause those things. Those are the stories I make up or that I am wired to make up. The profound message of Buddhism is that all things are impermanent. The natural order of the universe is that all things pass. It is my self-consciousness and my humanity that holds and holds and holds, that rages against the impermanence or that wishes it would hurry up, or whatever. There is nothing wrong with this tendency, except that it takes ordinary pain and makes it into suffering.

It also takes ordinary pleasure and makes it into suffering.

Anyway, love has always posed this central challenge to me, my whole life. How fearless can I be?